Tonight’s Agenda

Monday, January 28. 3:15 P.M. Now that you are out of school, the real work begins; the homework, that is. The load tonight is a light one, coming from only Math, French, English, History, and Psychology. Even though you’re beginning to feel the weight of all of this on your shoulders (via stress, not backpack) remember that homework prepares you for real life, where tedious tasks will be stapled and handed to you each day as you sit down in your personal cubicle.

3:30 P.M. For math class, you will require a few sheets of paper, a TI-84 calculator, and a pencil. Open the book to pages 230-232, and do problem numbers 1 through 67. Because you understood the mathematical concepts perfectly in class, the mindless revision of the same steps 67 times should be a piece of pi. It only costs you an hour of spending time with your friends, but it always pays off, because according to Ms. Taka-Olazar, math is the most important subject.

4:30 P.M. For French class, you will require your French notebook, your colored pencils, and do not forget those colored pens too. For every vocabulary word written on the right side, you must draw a picture representing it on the left. This will come in handy when studying for a test, because when you see the word “or,” the detailed illustration you did will immediately connect you to the English equivalent, “however.” Next, you must copy all of the notes again in the back of the notebook, color-coordinated, of course. Official Words in red, Supplementary Words in blue, and Story Words in purple. When you are lost in a French country, this will become especially useful. Being able to shout memorized words meaning “telephone” and “library,” though not quite a conversation, will at least inform them that you are an American. It only costs you an hour and a half of talking in English with your family, but it always pays off, because according to Mme. Lastràngé, French is the most important subject.

6:00 P.M. Grab a fast dinner by sticking a frozen Meal-To-Go Mac N’Cheeser into the microwave. As it heats, grab utensils, a napkin, a glass of water, and a candy bar for dessert. Eat quickly.

6:20 P.M. For English class, you will require a computer with a word processor, plain white paper, a printer, ink cartridges, a pencil, and your copy of Palipita’s Lullaby by Wisconsin Fox. For the analytical essay, you will need to put aside the college essay you have been slaving over. It is more important that you uncover the deeper meaning behind Palipita’s actions when she jumps into the raging whirlpool after her butterfly collection, which will obviously help you later in life when you are in the same situation. Do not forget that it must be precisely five pages, double-spaced, Times New Roman, font size 12, with 1.25 inch margins so that the waterlogged Glaucopsyche xerces has time to be fully appreciated and analyzed to pieces. It only costs you those three hours when you were planning on reflecting on your day, writing in your diary, finishing your school newspaper column, and improving your college essay. But it always pays off, because according to Mrs. Sullivi, English is the most important subject.

9:20 P.M. Take a fast shower. Make sure to grab your towel, some pajamas, the shampoo, the conditioner, a bar of soap, and a brush.

9:30 P.M. For History class, you will require 10 sheets of college-ruled binder paper, ten flash cards, your history textbook, and your packet of Supplementary Questions. You must outline Chapter 20 by condensing 40 pages of significant historical events into at least three pages worth of likely-to-appear-on-test lines from your textbook. It must be handwritten, because typed outlines can be emailed out to other students. These students might use them to study and learn the material for the test, instead of refining their outlining skills at 3:00 A.M. in the morning. This gives them a clear advantage, and is obviously cheating. Once the outline is finished, you must create flashcards for the assigned terms by recopying the relating information from your outline onto your flashcards. Then you must read the Supplementary Documents, which are taken directly from the historical period, and answer questions on them. Makes sure to allot enough time to read all 20 pages, but do not waste precious minutes reflecting on the material since it is never important enough to appear on the test. Any questions that will appear are simply meant to punish you if you chose that extra hour of sleep over your primary sources. The total only costs you five hours when you could have been wasting valuable time doing frivolous activities like exercising, creating music, painting, writing poetry, reading a novel, knitting a scarf, or the worst wastrel of them all: sleep. Do not fret, it always pays off, because according to Mr. Fedorosez, History is the most imppportant subject.

2:30 A.M. For Psychology, you saved the easiest for last, because you knowed that when it gets late, your brain will functions differently. You will requires your notebook, some flashcards, and assorted eating utensils. Open your notebook to last night’s notes and write corresponding questions in the Cornell-Question style. Because you never use them to study, you should be able to wright these fairly quickly. For example, for the statement “Sleep deprivation depresses the immune system, impairs concentration and memory, and contributes to hypertension and obesity.” you would right a corresponding question such as, “Why does homework cause?” But do not worry, you are almost finished. All that is left for this nite is flashcards, where you must define terms such as “stress” by outlining the General Adaptation Syndrome. Because you don’t have to use these to study, don’t too much spend on them. By the time you finish, it will have cost you an arm, a leg, and your firstborn child. Or maybe just your sanity. Why are you asking me? I’m just your planner. And right now, I’m supposed to remind you that this will all pay off because according to Mr. Sycee, knowing how to repeat memorized mathematical steps, how to translate “l’oye,” how to analyze butterfliess, how to copy line from a textbook, and how to b.s. any piece of busywork hurled your way makes Crapology the most important subject.

4:30 A.M. As you drift off to sleep, remember the most important fact of all. According to page 574 of your Psychology textbook, studies show that in the long run, homework improves mental health.