I blinked in confusion, staring at the computer screen and attempting to process what it read. My best friend, the girl who I’d had a crush on for two years and had just managed to forget my infatuation with, a few weeks ago…she admitted she loved me. The girl who I’d wanted for so long, but she swore she was straight…the girl I’d given up on for the girlfriend I had now…she decided she’d wait until I admitted I got a girlfriend to tell me this…

I never thought I’d have a hope with any of the girls I liked, I mean come on, with my school? Every girl, guy, androgynous being, thought gays were freaks. I never thought there’d be any possibility of getting a girlfriend. Then…then I met her. I thought she was the most obnoxious girl in the entire world when we first met; and I knew I’d be stuck with her.

Lesson groups: with her. Band: sat next to her. Lunch period: same time. Hallways: she’d hunt me down. It wasn’t fair. I wanted her to disappear…I wanted that little voice in the back of my head to stop telling me that there might be someone other than that one girl, that I loved…

But, I guess one doesn’t really control who they fall in love with, do they?

Two years later, and we were inseparable. Neither of us really wanted to admit it, but it’d happened.

So, staring at the computer, reading the IM post with that very first crush’s confession in it…it wasn’t fair! I loved them both, and I sure as hell didn’t want to have to choose between my two best friends.

Telling her my father was yelling at me to get to bed, I exited the panel, blinking away tears and trying to sort out some semblance of a thought. Glancing back up at the screen, I saw my girlfriend had IMed me.

I tried to act peppy like I usually did…I really did! But, I just couldn’t manage it. She figured something was wrong and wouldn’t leave me alone until I agreed to explain it to her. I sat there, trying to see the keyboard through my tears so that I could explain the entire thing. It took me so much longer than usual to type out such a short paragraph…but then again, I did spend almost five minutes just staring at the screen, debating whether to send it or not.

I shouldn't have called so late last night,

Unsecure, out of my mind.

I shouldn't have left that message on your phone.

I shouldn't have said the things I said,

Lookin’ for love we left for dead,

In a grave without a stone…

Eventually though, I did. I couldn’t stand not telling her, and I needed to make some sort of a choice before the dance in the next few days. I couldn’t choose though, and I seriously needed her help. I needed someone to tell me I wasn’t wrong…that I wasn’t crazy…

She read the whole thing, and I was scared she wouldn’t answer me, that she’d leave me here alone to sort this out myself. I sat there, a nervous wreck, for what seemed like hours, and ended up more like minutes. Though, when she finally sent me a post back, it shocked me straight back into thinking I’d gone crazy…

“Go to the dance with the other girl,” she told me. Over and over she kept telling me to go with the other girl, and she didn’t even know who it was.

I tried to make sense of it all, but since my brain wasn’t quite functioning, this was quite difficult. Trying to figure out why she would ever say something like that, I sent her back a post. “But…don’t I already have a girlfriend?”

“More or less, yeah.”

“And if I went to the dance with the other girl…wouldn’t I then have two girlfriends who I’d have to choose between?”

“Well…I don’t have to be your girlfriend…”

I stared at the message, mouth gaping open. She was willing to let me be with someone else, just so I’d be happy? This didn’t seem much like the girl I’d fallen in love with. Not much like the girl who would greet me with a headlock, and say goodbye by smacking me with a textbook. This didn’t seem like the girl who’d tease me to insanity on a regular basis, for her own entertainment. No…my girlfriend wouldn’t ever just tell me to go forget her and be with someone else…would she?

As soon as you hear my voice,

Don't hesitate,

Put your finger on the button,

Erase my love.

I bet you can't erase my touch.

You're tryin' to replace,

A feelin' without a name,

With somebody else's face,

In your head…

Apparently she would though, because she wouldn’t give up on the notion, and I was getting more upset by the moment. The choice was starting to present itself, and I still didn’t know who to pick. I didn’t know whether to take her offer, and hurt her on only god knows what levels, or to not, and give up the girl I’d always wanted…

In a short time though, she said she had to go, but to me…she sounded upset. Even though I couldn’t actually hear her voice, I could tell just from the speed she was typing, and how she’d always end her sentences with ellipses. I could tell I’d really hurt her, and…it stung. I didn’t want her hurt. I didn’t want her to stop giving me that huge, obnoxious grin every time she saw me. I didn’t want that…

But, it was too late, she’d signed off for the night. Though, I wouldn’t give up. I spent the rest of the night, not sleeping at all, just sitting there and staring at my Buddy List, hoping beyond all hope that she’d show up again. I wished so much that I’d been thinking better, and had been able to tell her before she disappeared…

My mind kept pulling up memories and shoving them at me, making it impossible to stop the tears, making it torture to sit there, waiting. I wanted her…I wanted her so much, and I couldn’t stand that I’d hurt her…

Memories of shivering, wrapped in a blanket, and suddenly being so warm, feeling her arms snake around my waist, pulling me against her. How I could possibly have thought I could live without those warm nights pressed against her, I didn’t know…

Memories of her pressing kisses to my forehead, cheeks, lips, neck, and always grinning like she knew something I didn’t when she did so. Always threatening to leave a mark where it’d scare my parents, but never actually going through with it…

Everything's cool,

The rent is paid,

The house is clean,

Your bed is made,

But its a ghost town in your mind.

You never had time to go to sleep,

We'd wake up tangled in the sheets,

On a bed that we called home…

I cried to myself as I tried to think that it would all be okay, that she wasn’t so hurt that she wouldn’t want me back. I didn’t even want to imagine that. I didn’t want to imagine what I’d have to do if she disappeared forever, on me.

I needed that laugh, I needed that grin, that voice, that warmth, that kiss, that…everything…

I needed her, more than I thought I did. I really thought I’d never be one of those people who got so dependant on their love that they couldn’t function without them…guess I was sure as hell wrong on that one…

I thought I’d never be one for romance, that I’d never be a really caring person who someone would actually love. Somehow, I almost wish I wasn’t, because then this would never have happened.

I wouldn’t have broken her heart, I wouldn’t have hurt her, I wouldn’t have screwed up my own emotions in the process. If I weren’t such an idiot, we could both be living perfectly happy lives at the moment, no mistakes, no romance, no anything…

I always thought if I just avoided guys altogether, this wouldn’t happen. That, given the number of homophobes in my school, I wouldn’t have this issue. Oh well…

When the pain won't go away

You might as well put your finger on the trigger

Erase my love.

I bet you can't erase my touch.

You're tryin' to replace,

A feelin' without a name,

With somebody else's face,

In your head.

Erase...

Had you ever imagined having your heart torn out and walked all over? What it feels like to be left out in the cold rain without an umbrella, watching a couple kiss under theirs on a corner? Had you ever imagined what it feels like to die, be dragged back up, and then killed again? Well…multiply all of those by about a hundred, and you’ll have how horrid hurting her made me feel…

I just wanted her to hold me and tell me it was okay…that it was all just a bad dream and it was over…

Erase my love.

I bet you can't erase my touch.

‘Cause you're tryin' to replace,

A feelin' without a name,

With somebody else's face,

In your head.

Erase...

Erase...

Next day, I sat through my whole first class, missed the entire thing. I couldn’t concentrate. I sat there, bouncing in my seat, staring at the clock, waiting for the bell to ring so I could go look for her.

When it finally did, I leapt out of my seat, scampered out the door, and hovered in the hallway where she should have been coming through. I waved at a few of my friends as they passed, but mostly ignored them as I stared at the door, waiting. Waiting…

Finally, I spotted her. Her red-hair caught the light, and my attention. I could tell I’d really screwed up; she looked like she hadn’t slept at all. Her expression was dull, and her eyes glazed in thought. She waved vaguely at me as she passed by, and I had to grab onto her backpack to get her attention.

She spun around, glaring at me, and I had to bite back tears at how angry she looked. I couldn’t stand it, I didn’t like it when she was mad at me, and I sure as hell didn’t want it now. So, I leaned up to her, kissing her lips lightly and shaking my head a tiny bit. “No.”

Her brows furrowed in confusion as she backed up a step, staring at me. “What? No, what?”

I sighed, biting my lip hard. “No you. No to every offer you gave me yesterday. No to leaving you. No to anything you might have thought I’d do about this. No to hurting you. No to screwing up us. No to everything…” Now the tears were even harder to hold back.

Eyes wide, she just watched me trembling, for a moment. I couldn’t tolerate her stare like that, when I wasn’t sure what the next second would do to me. Her. Us.

“Oh, thank god…” She took a step and closed the gap between us, wrapping her arms around my shoulders and pulling me against her. I buried my face in her shoulder, finally letting a few of the previous tears, fall against her shirt.

Wiping my eyes, I looked up at her. “I’m so sorry, I truly am. I never meant to hurt you, and I sure as hell never meant to even consider leaving you. I couldn’t live without you…you’re everything to me.”

She half-smiled down at me. Not that huge grin I usually got, but a real, warm, smile. The smile I almost never got, but when I did, it was one of the best sights in the world. I missed seeing that smile, and seeing it now, when I’d screwed up more than anything…it was absolutely perfect…

“I love you…” I muttered to her as we wandered towards my locker.

She pecked my cheek, grinning again and snickered. “Oh, don’t worry…I know!” She turned and skipped off, leaving me standing there, alone, to turn and see the girl who’d caused this whole crisis.

Biting my lip, I stared down into her hopeful eyes and shook my head, sighing. “No. I won’t do that to her. I’m sorry…”

She sighed, shaking her head, herself. “Kind of figured-” A dejected shrug “-Oh well. You love her, and you’re happy…that’s all that really matters to me…”

Tryin' to replace,

A feelin' without a name,

With somebody else's face,

In your head…

Smiling at her, I wrapped an arm around her shoulder as we walked to class. “Thank you…so much.”

Erase...