Stevie, Lindsay and Crackers

(1971. Lindsay is waiting for his son Crackers, so they can celebrate his 16th birthday.)

Lindsay: He should be here by now.

Stevie: Oh young teenagers these days!

Lindsay: He’s 16, and the last time we saw him, he burnt a hole in your trousers.

Stevie: Man that was totally out.

(In a daze)

Lindsay: Oh, here he comes!

(Crackers is a punk, with a nose ring. He slams the only picture Lindsay has of him on its face.)

Crackers: Wotcha Dad. High five Stevie! Wotcha got me for my birthday?

Lindsay: I haven’t forgotten. Happy birthday Christopher.

Crackers: It’s Crackers. Nothing else.

(He opens his present. It’s a video, Casablanca)

Crackers: Umm, this is great Dad, thanks a lot. You put a lot of thought and effort into it. Nice jumper.

Lindsay: Natural organic fibre eco friendly bleach zapper gloopy planky plank wool more commonly known as wool and you call it a jumper!! Youth these days.

Stevie: Don’t mind me!!

Crackers: And, get rid of that horrible picture!! How many times have I told you? No wonder Mum kicked you out.

Lindsay: Oh yeah, how is your Mum?

Crackers: She starts chucking things across the room. She chucked a vacuum at the wall last week. Look at the house.

(The house has a wall smashed to bits.)

Lindsay: Your mother was violent with me. She chucked me at the wall when she was pregnant with you, and you were conceived through fertility drugs that I fed Christy by the way.

Crackers: Mum will go mad that you said her name. Remember what she used to tell you!

Lindsay: One more letter and I’ll murder you Lindsay!

Crackers: You got that right!

(Crackers leaves, smashing the frame of his photo.)