|Being Evil Isn't Easy
Author: sugaplumprincess PM
The kids all have colds, her hubbie's still not home, the neighbors don't like magic, and there are these brats at the front door demanding to bring the evil sorceress to Justice. What’s a witch to do? And how can she keep blood stains out of the carpet?Rated: Fiction T - English - Parody/Humor - Chapters: 2 - Words: 4,688 - Reviews: 10 - Favs: 3 - Updated: 05-24-09 - Published: 02-14-08 - Status: Complete - id: 2475692
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
parody/i heart evil. it's its own subgenre here it seems, which is quite alright by me
"Note," she said to her business secretary as they rode the elevator down to the garage, inspiration having struck a moment before, "boss of local chapter, first cousin, make sure it's one he likes this time."
"Any specific body part?" Nina asked as she jotted down the order.
With a ding the elevator doors slid open and the body guards stepped out first, checking the area even though they were technically still in her building and it should already be secure. "I'll leave it up to the Team," she said as she stepped out, "just make sure it leaves an impression."
"Of course," said Nina as the doors slid closed between them.
"This way ma'am."
The black SUV pulled up and her bodyguards jumped to open the door, still looking around for anything suspicious. The bomb had them on edge but Hecate had dealt with worse in her long life and merely noted that they were being extremely cautious, not that she didn't appreciate it. She slid into the backseat and tugged at the pencil skirt she had been persuaded into that morning. 'It's My company, I shouldn't have to dress to impress them,' she thought as she shrugged off her suit jacket as well. With her clothes adjusted and the latest report on her overseas stock in hand, she leaned back as the long ride home began. Of course they hit traffic.
She was looking forward to a little peace and quiet at home that evening so she could look over the blueprints for her new pet project, a portable doomsday device. It wasn't that she planned on actually using it; she just liked having a few around. It was a security thing. The only real problem was how hard it was becoming to get one's hands on the right parts. Physics labs were annoyingly more and more secure these days, and running an evil empire was just not as easy as it used to be.
There was a guttural sigh from the woman at the desk as she took off her reading glasses and looked over at him. 'There goes my evening,' she thought as she tried not to curse something. They were the only two people in the large room at the back of the mansion and the servants knew to stay well away from the area when the lady of the house was working. So it must truly be a serious problem for her secretary to come in during 'quiet time.'
"Just what kind of intrusion is it this time Gregory? It's after nine and I need to finish looking over these plans."
"I'm afraid," Gregory said as he straightened and shifted his gaze to the French windows lining the office. Thrown open in the evening to catch the summer breeze, they also admitted the distant bubbling of the garden fountain and chirping of restless birds. "It is the kind you like the least. Four young people appear to be climbing over the main gate. One is a brash and obnoxious youth; he is followed by two more young men, one silent and rather perturbed looking, the second quite vocal and seemingly an idiot. They are joined by a young lady who seems skilled in whining, chiding and tripping over her own feet."
"Oh gods above, not again," Hecate groaned, pinching the bridge of her nose and pushing back from the desk. "You're following them on the closed circuit cameras?"
"You've alerted security."
"They are standing by at the emergency checkpoints with your personal bodyguards reporting to the house. If you wish them to intercept—"
"No," she said with a wave of her hand as she stood and began to stride around the room. The thick Persian carpets absorbed the sound of footfalls as each step sunk in, but also remembered who had walked there in case the mistress ever cared to know. She crossed to the other end, ran a hand along the small card table on which the children's end of the year art projects were sitting and turned to walk back. It was definitely a woman's office, with light peach colored walls, cherry wood furniture, and large landscape paintings hanging on the walls.
"If it was just one or two I'd let the regular forces take care of them, but this many is always a problem," she said and watched as pen and paper materialized from one of his pockets. "Pass word not to attack the girl as any injury to her will only spur the boys to efforts they were previously incapable of, but if engaging them watch her as she could get in the way at a critical moment. God I hate the nitwit girls, they give us all a bad name, while getting in My way. Also, a brooding one? Make sure no one insults his parentage. There's always some half-breed annoyance in these groups."
"Done," he said, making quick notes on the pad of paper.
"Perhaps I should deal with them myself, it always seems like I end up having to do it myself," her voice was growing louder now a her hands cut through the air in a gesture of frustration. "Half the time whatever lieutenant I send out somehow manages to die just when the little brats looked like they were going to croak off. Remind me why I hire security again?"
"Groups of two or less are almost always intercepted before reaching the building, especially with your policy of immediately calling for back up when a member of a patrol disappears. Also the gangs of your business rivals and 'friendly' competitors are always wiped out upon crossing the property line, Madame."
She shrugged and had to admit that she had not been faced with a band of incompetent buffoons that could be wiped out with a single spell in a good three years. Those were invariably a hassle as the blood always managed to get on the walls, no matter how many different ways she killed them and it took longer to get off than to dispose of the bodies. "Ng, very well, keep the casualties low, retreat and let them come to me if everything does not go as it should."
"Yes Madame. Anything else?"
"I suppose none of the vampires are still around?"
"All left on their missions as soon as it was completely dark."
"Drat. I was going to give them a snack. Well, send in Miti then, if you can find her." She waved him out of the room and her secretary bowed again.
Hecate turned to the windows, letting the evening breeze ruffle her clothes and hair as she listened to the footsteps quickly tapping down the hall. Attacks had been down lately and she could only blame the unsettled feeling in her stomach on the fact that it had been months since she'd faced a 'do-gooder' opponent. Once it had been an almost daily ritual. One that got tiring and interfered with her work, which is why she had moved out of the city into this nice, semi-rural, residential area. In the city, at least these things were considered par for the course, somebody's penthouse was always getting firebombed. But out here things were much different, few of her neighbors were in the same line of work and she didn't know what they would think if this started to get out of hand. A full-scale invasion of her property might just get her kicked out of the country club, and that was not acceptable. By god she had even paid for an unlisted number and a P.O. Box for personal mail to keep this from happening. The witch really had no idea how these people kept finding her.
"Probably those damn Powers That Be, again," she muttered, blue eyes narrowing on the poor garden gnome that happened to be in her line of sight. After a moment under her glare the ill-fated ceramic creature cracked and with a start she shifted her gaze elsewhere. "You disregard them a few dozen times and suddenly they send every misfit they come across after you."
"What's the matter, Mama Bear?" came a voice from a few feet away.
The witch might admit she was surprised but not peeved to find the young woman standing beside her. After all she had trained the girl herself. Sometimes though, she was still a little unnerved at how well that training had worked. One could only hear Miti's footsteps when she wanted them to be heard. Actually, now that she thought about it, it might be a good idea to attach a bell to her protégé; you never could tell when the brats would turn on you.
"It looks like another attempt to save the world," she replied with a shrug and walked back to her desk, shelving the bell idea for the time being.
The other woman followed more slowly, her movements languid and her eyes half-closed. "Why don't they write their representative then?"
"Ha. Very funny dear but I'm afraid they're already here. Maybe you could suggest that when they're trying to kill me?" She fingered the candlestick on her desk as Miti came to a stop a few feet away. The lazy green eyes trailed to the heavy thing as well and her lips compressed.
"Nervous, oh fearless leader?"
There was a harsh noise from the witch and her eyes flashed up at the other woman. 'Speaking of turning--' she thought. The faint upturn of her lips and distant expression were gone, with only the harsh eyes and severe line of her mouth remaining. It was just like her oldest to say something stupid at a time like this, and she wondered sometimes if the girl was trying to provoke her.
"Sentimental actually," she said when she saw a response was expected. "I made my first kill with this candlestick, but sentimentality isn't something you really understand."
"I've been around humans long enough to get the gist of it," the other said with a lopsided smile, the kind that made normal people instantly nervous. "But I would suggested more traditional methods if you have four opponents and don't want these rugs ruined as well."
Her eyes involuntarily flicked to that rusty stain by the door but she chose to ignore her subordinate's joking and began organizing the papers on her desk, slipping them back into files and opening heavy drawers to put things away. Of course the handguns and knives were all on top and she had to slide them out of the way to slip the files into place. Sometimes she wondered if it wasn't excessive to have a 9mm and .35 in each of the top drawers, but then she reminded herself that if someone ever did get in who happened to have one of those power-nulling amulets the Powers were handing out she'd very much like to shoot them, several times.
"Wait in the garden Miti, when they attack I want you on this. I'm tired tonight and it's the last thing I want to deal with."
The young woman smiled, showing a row of sharp teeth as her eyes pinched closed for a second. 'It's no wonder Gregory calls her Cheshire when he thinks I can't hear,' the witch thought as the woman's nose twitched.
"La, no problem. The heathen forces of Justice won't know what hit 'em."
With a swish of her tails and a faint smile the young woman was through the windows and melting into the darkness beyond. The witch was alone again and she sighed to herself as she put her latest master plan, named 'waste processing facility statistics,' back in the safe she kept behind her desk. She made sure to put the file labeled 'plans of utmost evil,' containing bad Yakov Smirnoff jokes, on top of it. With all the files safely put away Hecate pulled The Handmaid's Tale from her bookshelf and settled back in her armchair to read as the do-gooders started their attack on her security forces.