Jess looked at the box in her hands. Sleeping pills. She wondered how many it would take to overdose. Shaking the box, she realized that, however many were in there, it wouldn’t be enough.

That was probably just as well, she decided. If she was going to do this, her mum would need her sleeping pills more than ever.

That was one of the things that had stopped her in the past, knowing how much it would break her mum’s heart. But she had Adam now, to help her through it. Adam made Jess’s mum happier than she’d ever seen her. She’d never been especially happy with Jess’s dad, even when their marriage was fine. It had all been normal, and fine, but every day with Adam was special. Jess was happy for her mum, but a part of her was envious. Not of Adam. He was nice and everything, but he was old enough to be her dad. Well, he was actually three years older than her dad. No, Jess was jealous of her mum because she’d always had someone. Twelve weeks after Jess’s dad left, Nick had come on the scene. He’d been nice enough, but deadly boring. But he’d always been there, until her mum decided she didn’t need him any more. After Nick was Tim, who’d had two children of his own. Jamie and Vicky. Vicky had been thirteen, the same age as Jess at the time. Tim’s family had lived with Jess and her Mum for over three years, before they split up. Jess hadn’t spoken to Tim’s children since. All these people just kept fading in and out of her life.

After Tim, Jess’s mum went on several dates, with a variety of men. She played the field for about six months, before settling into a vaguely serious relationship with a man named Martin. Jess had never met him, being sixteen at the time, she’d had her own life to worry about. When Martin had ended things with Jess’s mum, eight months down the line, she’d been utterly distraught, and Adam had been there, to pick up the pieces.

The story of her mum and Adam always made Jess feel warm inside- and also slightly sick. They’d been close friends since childhood, and Adam had looked after Jess’s mum after every split, got her back on her feet and made sure she was okay. He’d been doing this since her first serious relationship, at the age of sixteen, had left her broken-hearted when her boyfriend went away to college.

After Martin finished the relationship, Adam had confessed to Jess’s mum that, actually, he’d been in love with her since he could remember. She threw herself headlong into the relationship, determined to make it work, and it was doing nicely so far.

Of course, Adam had only been living with them three months. Jess liked him a lot, and she was already totally used to him. She didn’t resent him- not really- this was just the first time any man had eclipsed everything in her mum’s life, including her only child. Jess didn’t blame him at all for this, he was making her mum happy, and she didn’t mind in the slightest the attention being taken off of her, and her mum not breathing down her neck all the time, but she did wish that her mum could find time for her as well as Adam, every once in a while.

Jess was nothing like her mother. At the age of seventeen, she still felt like a child. Where her mother had always seemed so sure of herself, always known what she wanted, and always got it, Jess didn’t have a clue. She’d done well in her GCSE’s, but with no idea what she wanted to do in the future, her college decisions had been hard. She didn’t enjoy any lessons, really, and those she’d done well in were the ones she hated the most.

She’d ended up taking BTEC Performing Arts, Chemistry and History at her school Sixth Form. She’d stayed there because it was close by. She sometimes wondered if her Mum even knew she’d started college. Her first day was just two weeks after her mum split with Martin, and she’d shown no signs of knowing that her daughter was off to start a

whole new chapter of her life. She never asked Jess about her day any more- since Jess had started work, the two barely crossed paths during the day.

At least Adam knew how Jess was doing. He got up early for work in the mornings, just as Jess was getting ready for school, and over breakfast they would chat. He always remembered to wish her luck with anything at school, and offered her help with homework, and if she was late home, Adam would be able to tell her mum where she was. That was why Jess found it so difficult to resent him- he was so nice.

Jess loved Performing Arts. It was what kept her going in to college. She’d only gotten a ‘C’ in Drama at GCSE Level, and if she was honest, she hadn’t taken PA expecting to do well. In all honesty, she hadn’t known what to expect.

The beauty of not knowing what to do with her life, the one good side, was that Jess wasn’t forced to take any subject. The world really was her oyster, in that respect.

In truth, Jess sought refuge in Performing Arts. She hadn’t really known any of her class throughout Secondary School, so she could be exactly who she wanted. They didn’t know the real Jess, so she was creating a new one. This Jess was more confident. She didn’t shy into the corner, like the old Jess, and she believed in herself, and made the most of her abilities, and talked non-stop, and got on with people easily. This Jess was bubbly, and lovable, and cutesy, and got on tremendously well with everyone, but it was hard to keep her going all the time. Jess did it, though. She had to be the new Jess at home, because she couldn’t have her mum worrying. Her mum had had enough to worry about her whole life. She’d convinced herself she just needed to keep pretending for a little longer, and eventually, this new Jess would come naturally.

She stayed behind in Performing Arts as often as she could. On days when she had no need to rehearse, it was pretty likely that she could be found in the Drama Studio anyway. Other people did the same, and even if Jess had been perfectly happy at home, she would have wanted to stay with these people. The Head of Drama was perfectly happy to see her classroom filled with all of these ‘drama people’ long after hours, and Jess used to love sitting with them all, even when she was still ‘old Jess’. She wouldn’t have dared talk to them back then, she just used to sit and listen, and watch them. She loved every one of them more than they knew.

Truthfully, however much Jess adored the rest of the drama people, there was one main attraction for her- David. If anyone was a drama person, he was, and Jess had fallen for him as soon as they’d met. That, though, was almost four years previously, and she’d been so shy that it was hilarious to her now, looking back. He was in the year above her, and for the first year she’d known him, she was pretty sure he hadn’t known her. That was during the first school play she’d been involved in- she was only in the chorus, so he had no reason to know her. That was how she preferred it, back then. Fading into the background had suited her.

Another year brought another play, and she determinedly ensured that David acknowledged her existence that year. He’d found out how she felt by the end of the year, and she’d been mortified, and avoided him diligently until the next play.

During that play, they’d become closer. Proper friends, which thrilled her. She’d started, around this time, to reflect that he probably wasn’t as incredible as she thought. As she’d always thought, and was starting to think she always would, but that just made it even worse that, despite the fact that he was human and not some kind of God, she still didn’t stand a chance with him.

They were indisputably very good friends by now. And she was still in love with him. And he probably still knew it, to be honest. She knew, deep down, that she’d only taken Performing Arts to impress him. She knew that she’d only changed at all because she

was making no progress with him as ‘Old Jess’. She knew, as well, that it was ridiculous of her to change this much for one person, who, if she was honest with herself, she knew she would never get, but she also didn’t feel as though she had any real choice.

She had tried getting over him. She’d tried being herself around him. She’d tried forgetting him, and none of it was getting her anywhere.

That was part of why she was so jealous of her mum. She’d got every guy she’d ever wanted. She’d probably only ever felt this strongly about Jess’s dad and Adam- and maybe Martin, in the brief time they were together. But no matter how badly those men had broken her heart, at least she’d had something with them, and now she was living her happily ever after out with the perfect guy.

Jess was so wrapped up in David that she never noticed other boys. She knew that was stupid, but she couldn’t help it. That was another reason she was jealous of her mum. She got over all of the men who hurt her, so quickly it was like they were never there. But Jess had been trying for four years, and she couldn’t get over him.

Her mum had gotten over her dad incredibly quickly. Jess hadn’t. She’d never forgiven him for leaving, and he seemed not to realise that she was still hurting, all these years later. She hardly saw him any more. He had made the effort to see her, more than she or her mother had thought he would, but she’d started making excuses about homework, and rehearsals, and social life, from about fourteen onwards. She hadn’t meant to push him away, she always said. She told her mum that she was just doing what he’d done, and putting herself first, but lately she’d come to realise that of course that was pushing him away. And now that he was completely pushed away, as much as she hated to admit it, she was fine with it. As far as Jess was concerned, her dad chose to get out of her life when he left. The way she saw it, he chose himself over her, and that was no way for a parent to behave. She had never forgiven him, and she knew now that she never would.

That was what had scared Jess recently- she’d realised so much, all at once. She’d realised that she wasn’t as strong as she’d always thought. She’d always imagined that she could cope with anything. She’d imagined that she would grow up into a job she loved, that she’d have the same ‘happily ever after’ as her mum, and that everything would just fall into place. She hated the fact that she was growing up, and realising that, actually, it wouldn’t.

Rummaging in the drawer, she found a new box of the pills, and held them up. There were plenty in here, to send her to sleep forever, if she chose. Looking around, she realized that the room was full of means to end her life, all of which would be so easy…

“Coward,” She murmured to herself, and caught her own eye in the mirror. She half grinned. Suicide wasn’t something she could ever actually consider. It was something other people did, and it ruined lives. She couldn’t do that to the people who cared about her.

Whatever she thought now, when she was at this low, she knew that a lot of people would miss her if she did it. She tried imagining how David would react. Picturing his face made her smile, but also made her hurt inside. She shook her head, to rid herself of the image, but it wouldn’t go. Then she shook her head again, at her own idiocy.

She had such a good life, and everything that was wrong with it could and would be fixed. Her mum was happy- happier than she’d ever been. She had more confidence than ever, she was closer to David than she’d ever been. And she was hurting less than ever, now that the man who’d hurt her most was finally out of her life.

She knew that, one day, she would contact her dad again. When she’d had a chance to calm down, and get some closure on the situation. But it would be on her terms, because that was part of growing up- taking control of her own life. And that was all that was getting to her- growing up.

She laughed at herself quietly, as she threw both boxes back into the drawer, closed it, and went to go upstairs. She nearly screamed as she turned around, and saw her mum, standing in the doorway, watching her.

“Mum? Are you okay?” She asked.

“I’m fine, Jessie. Adam was just telling me about this play you’re in?”

“What? Oh, yeah. Like the last three, mum.” She said. Her mum nodded.

“Tell you what, Jess. I’m up early this morning. Adam’s just about to leave; he’s been called into the office. Why don’t you and I have a chat about how school’s going for you?”

Jess looked past her mum, and saw Adam tiptoeing down the stairs. She smiled, and he winked at her. She wondered how much he knew about how she was feeling.

More than her own mother, she decided. Then she looked at her mum, putting the kettle on, and looking at her expectantly. So Adam wouldn’t know more than her for long…

Yes, she had problems. So did everyone. And, whatever she thought she’d realized lately, Jess knew, as she’d always known, instinctively, that she was strong enough to deal with anything.