Disclaimer: I do not own, nor am I affiliated with: the BBC, Daily Mail, Guardian, Have I Got News for You, Radio 4 – in short, everything/one you might recognise. All that you don't, I do. Additionally, strong language is used from the outset. Very strong language. Consider it a plot point.

Prologue.

On Monday, 9th July 2007, the Sun reported that, after less than two months at the BBC, Sierra Verne had been fired. On Wednesday, the 11th, the BBC announced that, despite rumours to the contrary, Verne had not been dismissed, and still retained her position as resident film critic (and unofficial co-host, although the spokesperson did not allude to this as Verne’s co-hosting was, well, unofficial) for Julian Christie’s Friday afternoon radio programme. The spokesperson did, however, allude to the possibility of a suspension, “although this will of course be entirely dependent on the outcome of Ofcom’s investigation.”

On Thursday, 12th July, the Daily Mail reported that Ofcom had found – as though she was a murderess! – Sierra Verne guilty of “employing abusive profanity with intent of offending” (a semantically-unsound conclusion if e’er there was one). On Friday the appropriate 13th, the BBC announced that Sierra Verne was suspended from all BBC programming until the 3rd of August, when she would resume her contractual obligations. At approximately 3:07pm, Julian Christie briefly deviated from his already loose scheduling by commenting on the “unfair suspension” of his co-host (although he did of course do so in a light-hearted and carefree yet sympathetic sort of way), and at 9pm the ever-rotating host of the satirical panel show Have I Got News for You stated that “under no circumstances are any of the guests allowed to say what they really think – this is BBC One, not Radio 4.”

One of the Guardian’s articles in its Saturday, 14th July 2007 edition was written with the transparent intent of making readers question the true extent of personal liberty (an issue of evergreen interest) in the current ‘nanny climate’ under the marginally successful guise of criticising the treatment of Sierra Verne at the hands of both the BBC and the great British public in general. (Which was in itself odd, as newspapers have a tendency of reflecting – if not in fact influencing – the general opinion of the great British public; barring, of course, those stubborn-minded turds on the internet who litter forum discussions with bad spelling, inconsistent grammar, and general typographical anarchy.)

On Sunday, 15th July 2007, an entry posted to Verne’s public blog read simply this:

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As some of you loyal darlings will already know, I have recently been given express permission to slack off for the next three weeks. (Well, technically nineteen days, but really, who’s counting?) And as some of you may have guessed, I plan on spending this period doing conservative, wholesome, mother-child bonding activities with my son, and as such will be leaving good ole London town (and my blog!) for skyscrapered NYC on Tuesday. But before I go, allow me one moment of slightly unwholesome immaturity:

C u n t

Thank you.

Incidentally, can those of you continually flooding my inbox with sycophantic love letters to Pirates of the Caribbean please:

1. Stop;
2. Bury the DVD (or –s, as the case appears to be);
3. Wait ten years;
4. Dig them up;
5. Watch them sans hormone-tinted spectacles of female adolescence;
6. Admit I was right?

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All in all, it had been a pretty busy week for the (ahem) controversial Sierra Verne; getting suspended for casual profanity was one thing, but stirring up a media furore large enough to be alluded to on a national television show was – well, admittedly, not a particularly difficult thing to achieve; just ask that bloke who was featured on the Big Fat Quiz of the Year simply for having a homosexual wizard tattooed on his back. But in Sierra’s circumstances – Sierra, who detested media scrutiny; Sierra, who had taken up a job in radio in the hopes of avoiding a repeat of that entire debacle; Sierra, who, was in fact still trying to wean herself off of a rather unsavoury dependency on illegal substances – in Sierra’s circumstances, her tremulous, precarious circumstances, to achieve any sort of media prominence was– was—

…Not very good.

Hence why readers should hopefully understand why the notorious Sierra Verne had posted the above blog entry in a darkened room under the influence of what Julian had lovingly described as “one bitch of a hangover,” and passed out not long after.

And thus begins the tale of Mommy’s on the Radio, also more accurately known as Mommy’s (not) on the Radio (anymore).

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