No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear.
C.S. Lewis

Chapter One

My head shot up just before it hit the desk. Someone to my left snickered, but I ignored whoever it was, trying to focus on the teacher, who was rambling about…about…what was going on? I blinked, and took off my glasses to rub my eyes, and then clean the lenses, which appeared to be filthy. When I put them back on, everything seemed a bit clearer, and I was finally able to grasp what the teacher was saying.

“…give out dividends. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing, because it’s money that can go back into the company…”

Oh. The stock market or something. I sighed and looked at the clock. Fortunately, the bell would ring in three…two…one…there. I gathered up my books, wondering why I’d insisted on coming to school. Mom had said I didn’t need to if I didn’t want to…but I had come anyway. Why?

Right. I had gotten it into my head that Aaron wouldn’t want us to just halt life. Well, I knew he wouldn’t want that. “Carpe diem” practically defined my brother. I bit the inside of my cheek as I followed the general river of people flowing through the hallway. It had defined him. I didn’t know if “seize the day” was the number one phrase used among corpses.

“Hi, Andy!” Gwen, one of my friends, appeared at my side as I fumbled with my locker. “What’s up? You look awfully glum.” I grunted, twisting the combination dial thingy around a few times before trying to enter my stupid combination for the fourth time. “So are you still going to the movies with us later? Rick tried calling you last night to confirm, but you never answered.”

“I was busy last night,” I muttered, tossing my econ book into my locker and grabbing my English stuff. “And no, I’m not going.”

She frowned – somehow even making that pretty, I noted distantly. “Why not? It was your idea.”

“Something came up.” No way was I going to tell anyone what had happened. No. Way. Calm down, a small voice in the back of my mind said reasonably, missing doesn’t always mean dead.

Yes it does, the other part of me retorted bitterly, it always does on TV.

Well this isn’t TV.

Yeah, so it’ll be worse. I slammed my locker shut, gritting my teeth in frustration.

“Andy?” Gwen lightly touched my arm. “What’s the matter with you today?”

“Nothing,” I growled. “I gotta go.” Never mind the fact that my English room was three feet away, and that she was in my class. I scowled as I took my seat, and grabbed my book to bury my face in.

Someone texted me then, making me jump as my phone vibrated in my pocket. I glanced at the teacher, who was absorbed in helping a student, and carefully pulled my phone out and flipped it open. It was from Amelia, who had stayed home. “Found him,” the message said. “Dad and I heading to hospital. Mom coming 2 get u.” I flipped my phone shut and breathed a sigh of relief, letting my book fall closed before me. Gwen glanced at me with concern, but at that moment class started. I struggled to pay attention, but my gaze kept straying to either the clock or the phone in the corner. At any moment it would ring, and I would be dismissed…

Finally, the phone rang, and the teacher stopped in mid sentence. She answered the phone, and after a few moments announced, “Andy, your mom’s here to pick you up. Just read the next chapter for tomorrow, okay?”

“Okay, thanks.” I didn’t even hear the assignment as I grabbed my stuff and rushed out of the room, fumbling with my locker and stuffing them inside before grabbing my coat and, purely out of habit, my ipod. Then I practically ran down to the attendance office, signing out hurriedly, and meeting my mom just at the doors. “How is he?” I asked as we all but sprinted to the car.

“Taken to the ER,” she replied, “I was told critical condition.”

“What the hell happened?” I asked as we pulled out of the parking lot.

“I’m not entirely sure,” she admitted. “Call you sister; she may have some news.” I nodded and quickly dialed Mia’s number.

She answered almost immediately. “Andy, hey. Did Mom get you?”

“Yeah, we’re in the car now. What’s up with Aaron?”

“He was found near the Conodoguinet,” she said in a trembling voice. “I – I think he was shot.” I choked, earning a concerned look from Mom. “Dad’s talking to the doctor right now; he’s on the table at the moment, so we won’t know for sure for a while…”

“Okay. Thanks Mia.”

“Just hurry up, okay?”

The rest of the day passed in a blur. I spent most of it in the waiting room, listening to my ipod or playing cards with Mia and Dad while we waited for word on Aaron. Mom spent most of the time talking to relatives on her cell, informing them of the news. I had a feeling she wouldn’t be cooking dinner for a couple of weeks. After a while it occurred to me to ask where Mandy was, and was told that Aunt Terri had offered to baby-sit.

Finally, around seven o’clock, the doctor came out. I yanked my earphones out of my ears and leapt to my feet along with Dad and Mia, and Mom quickly hung up her phone. The doctor’s face told me all I needed to know, and I felt my fists clench. His words tore through me like shrapnel tears through a wall. “I’m very sorry to be the one to tell you this,” he began, and I heard Mia inhale sharply. The doctor went on with some babble about the heart and arteries and blood loss, and concluded with the crushing news of my older brother’s death.

I stared at the doctor, feeling numb. Mia had paled considerably, and Mom promptly burst into tears. Dad asked a few questions I didn’t catch, and then he was handing me the car keys. “Take your sister home,” Dad told me. “And ask Aunt Terri to come in, okay?”

“Yeah, okay.” I took the keys and looked at Amelia. She latched onto my arm, and we headed out of the hospital.

Once we were in the car and had our seatbelts on and everything, we just sat there, staring at the dashboard. I looked at Mia, and she looked at me. Then without a word, I started the car and we drove home.

Mandy met us at the door, jumping up and down and going on about an A she’d gotten on her math test, and asking us where we’d been, where Mom and Dad were, did we bring her anything, and guess what Aunt Terri had made for dinner. Aunt Terri greeted us with tight hugs. “Dad wants you to go to the hospital,” I said.

She nodded. “How’s Aaron?” I opened my mouth to respond, but no sound came out. She hugged me again, and then said good bye to Mandy and Amelia, and left.

Mandy tugged on my t-shirt. “What’s going on?” she demanded in typical fourth-grader fashion. I shrugged and went to the kitchen to get some food. Aunt Terri had made steak, baked potatoes, and salad. I got some of each and sat at the table. Mia got a salad and sat in her seat, and Mandy clambered into hers to sit with us. My gaze kept straying to Aaron’s usual seat, right by me. Mia kept looking at it too. Then we’d look at each other, and then at our food. Mandy rambled on about school, and when that ran out she sat and looked at us in confusion.

“Were you at the hospital with Mommy and Dad?” Mandy asked finally. “Aunt Terri said Aaron had an accident, but the doctor’s would make him all better.” I flinched and dropped my fork. It hit my plate with a clatter and bounced to the table. At the same time, my cell phone vibrated in my pocket, scaring the living daylights outa me. I excused myself and went to the living room to answer. Mia would be better at breaking the news to Mandy than me anyway, though I’m sure she didn’t appreciate being left alone to do it.

I flipped open my phone without checking. “Hullo?”

“Hey, Andy!” Gwen. “What’s up? Rick said you were called out of school today.”

“Uhh…dentist appointment,” I said, using the first excuse that came to mind.

“You rushed out of class for a dentist appointment?” Her disbelief was clear, and I winced. Okay, so maybe the dentist wasn’t the best excuse in the world.

“I didn’t want to be late?” I attempted. There was a very un-feminine snort on the other end. “Okay fine. Would family emergency suffice?”

Then she gasped, and I realized that ‘family emergency’ was an even worse thing to say, since now she’d start asking questions and offering to pray and all that jazz. And quite frankly, I was in no mood to talk about God, as I knew would inevitably happen. “Oh my gosh, Andy what happened? Did they find Aaron?”

“How did you – ?”

“Word gets around, Andy. I just didn’t want to say anything to you before you brought it up. So, did they find him?”

I swallowed hard, feeling a lump begin to grow. “Y-yeah, they did. He was near the Conodoguinet or something…and they rushed him to the ER.”

“Is he going to be all right?” I didn’t answer. “Andy? Are you there?”

“He’s…I mean…Aaron…” I sighed. “No. He’s not gonna be all right.”

“Oh, Andy…”

“I gotta go. Talk to you later.” I snapped my phone shut, and stared at it for a minute. Then I turned it off and went up to my room, where I sat on my bed and stared at the family picture I had on my dresser. There was one in every bedroom, and a really big one on the living room wall. It was taken just two months ago. I sighed, and scowled at Aaron, who just looked back at me with that loopy grin of his, the one that told you he was ready to bust out laughing at any given moment.

Actually, now that I thought about it, he had started laughing just as soon as the picture had been snapped. I couldn’t remember why, though. With a sigh, I put my glasses by the picture and flopped back onto my bed, burying my face in my pillow. Somehow I fell asleep like that.