What gives you the right to do this to me, to invade my mind like this? Don’t you see how unfair this is? What right do you have to force me to think of you no matter how it depresses me? Can’t you understand that I never wanted to be in this situation? Get out of my head! I don’t want you here. I don’t want this, I don’t need this, and I don’t deserve this. So leave me the crap alone.

What I would give to be able to say this to your face without ruining whatever miniscule remnant remains as yet unruined. And how terrified I am that I’ll tell you anyway.

I want you to know…I want so badly for you to know. Not just so you’ll see what you’re doing to me, but so I could stop keeping secrets. I’m so tired of secrets. I don’t want to hide this anymore. I shouldn’t have to. I shouldn’t have to sit here pretending everything’s okay. I shouldn’t have to let that which causes me so much pain keep on happening.

And yet, I am.

And I will continue to do so.

And you’ll never know the strength of my feelings from which I’m protecting you.

And you’ll never thank me for protecting you, nor will you apologize for doing this to me.

And somehow, I’ll get to where I’m okay with that.

Yesterday was my birthday. As they sang to me, I wished that you would love me. I blew out all the candles but one. I guess that once again, I’m just not quite good enough.

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Author's Note: This is pretty much just going to be a series of spontaneous ramblings that I write when they come to me. Literarily, they might not even be very good, but I'll post them anyway because it's the best form of self-expression I have. Review if you like.