Saying Goodbye

“Hey.”

I was aware that he had entered my sanctuary, and that he had been there for some time now. But I didn’t answer. My knuckles were white from clutching the railing so hard. The rain was pouring down quicker this time, slowly drenching my clothes. The stars winked from the blanket that was night.

I turned around, letting go of the railing.

“Hey,” I answered back, my eyes not quite meeting his. I couldn’t look at him. I can't let myself see those sad eyes… see the barely hidden question that lingered in those intense orbs. The question that I had only one heartbreaking answer to. But I couldn’t tell him yet. Not yet.

“I haven’t seen you in a while. How are you?” he queried softly, his voice barely a whisper against the whipping wind.

“I’m good.” Pause. “This isn’t what you’re here for.” It was a statement, not a question. I guess we both know. He crossed the distance that separated us, until there was just a small space in-between. This close I could see the water glinting off his eyelashes, dripping off his hair.

“You know what I want to ask… but I’m going to ask it again.” he took my hand in his.

“Don’t go, Alanna. Stay, stay with us,” he pleaded. Stay with us. Us. Not me.

I smiled up at him through the pouring rain and shook my head. I couldn’t trust my voice to not betray my true feelings. The time for me to tell him was finally here. I couldn’t no longer put it off.

“I’m sorry, Brian.” I didn’t offer any explanations. I dislodged my hand from him, and shifted back facing the railing and the city down below again. Against the pounding rain, echoed by my pounding, hurting heart, I gripped the slippery bar again. The reason… the reason for all of this was…

“Do you really have to go? Why! Why, Alanna? Why are you just going to leave us, leave your best friends behind?” he said angrily, throwing the words at my back.

“I’m just going, okay? There’s nothing more you can do about it.” I told him calmly, though inside I'm shaking…

“You can't just tell us that you’re leaving tomorrow for a university that you didn’t even tell us you applied for! Why? Why didn’t you tell us? Why wait until now? We’re your best friends, Alanna! How could you do this… you haven’t even told Kathy about it!”

The door to the roof top banged open. Kathy ran towards us, splashing through the puddles.

“Brian! Have you seen—Oh. There you are Aly! What’s all this talk about you going overseas? What’s going on?” She demanded, stopping beside Brian.

Cold to the bone now from the rain, I shivered.

“I’m going Kat. It’s true. I'm going off to Australia to study.”

“What! Why didn’t you tell us?” Kat said with an anguished look on her face.

“I’m sorry.”

And then I left. Not another word I can say to make it better. Sorry. Sorry. That was all I was reduced to… and as I slipped my way across the roof across the painfully cold rain, I knew…

But I just had to look back one more time. Just to make sure.

Kathy was standing in Brian’s arms looking pained and disbelieving.

The pain was real. There was no way to deny it anymore.

He looked up just as the tears finally broke free. But he couldn’t see them.

The rain washed them all away, and I gave a broken smile, ignoring the pain that came rushing through my system as my heart cracked all over again.