A million perfect opportunities

And still I didn’t tell you

The whole time, listening to you

Moving the phone away from me

Biting my lip, trying to hold back tears

As again the scissors ran across my leg

Trying to convince myself that no blood

Meant that it isn’t wrong

What’s a small dose of pain anyway?

And if that’s true, why the hell

Do I feel so guilty now?

Am I supposed to tell you this?

Even though you’d never know

And it seems pointless to worry you

When I’m just fine, everything’s alright.

As long as I don’t go deeper

I’m in control of it, really.

It was just a bad day, a bad mood,

It won’t happen again – not today, anyway.

Tomorrow, that I can’t promise.

This is a way of dealing with it,

It’s not hurting anyone.

Me? Getting hurt? Oh please,

That would mean I have feelings,

That I actually matter – we both know I don’t.

I can’t explain, not in a satisfactory manner,

Not in a way that would justify my reaction,

I...don’t know what came over me.

The silence, the awkwardness, the...

Fact that I’m scared.

You’re so together, so fucking perfect –

I’m not.

And it’s stupid, it’s crazy, it’s fucked up,

But I can’t go thirty seconds without

The thought of breaking up.

Not that you’ll end it, it’s more...

Me almost wanting to end it.

Don’t take it the wrong way, I don’t mean it,

I just wonder how this thing will work

When I second guess everything

And it feels like we’re so different,

Having those pointless conversations,

You know, the ones you hate so much.

Just going round in circles, and I’m afraid

To be honest about how I feel.

I’m so not over last time, and I guess...

I guess I’ve sworn to never let it happen again.

I don’t want to be the reason you’re upset,

I want to be someone who makes you proud,

Someone who you’re pleased to admit

Is your girlfriend.

And I hate lying to you babe,

But denial is how I get by.

I don’t know how to admit to this stuff...

You think I’ve really recovered?

The thought, the need, it still lingers

In the back of my head, a part of me,

I just...choose not to act on it in the same way.

There’s more than one way to hurt yourself,

And I think I’ve discovered a few.

But as far as you’re concerned, I’m alright

And that’s all you need to know.

Because I’m not ever going to recover

And I’m not dragging you down with me.

Honesty’s never been my strong point,

Openness not my thing.

And I’ve tried, tried and tried,

But at the end of the day,

I’m not sure if I’m ready to change,

Though it kills me inside to lie to you,

Part of me believes it’s better off this way,

And no matter what, I can’t promise anything,

I’ll be doing the same damn thing tomorrow

And probably the day after.

It’s so...strange.

One minute I’m ready to give you up,

And the next I’m going to bed,

A smile on my face, thinking

Of how happy you make me,

How you calm me down when I lose my mind.

The sweet, soppy romantic stuff you do,

And suddenly the world seems like a better place.

See? You confuse me no end,

I want to end it, I never want to let go,

I want to tell you everything,

I want to lie my way out of everything.

But still...I’m going with my instinct,

The fallacies my mind has formed.

I’ll let myself be vulnerable, open...

About anything but this.