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awad: birds – tuesday.26.2.08.

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I'm past the stage when my deepest wish and preoccupying thought is, I want to fly! Because, goddammit, I will never be a bird.

But birds still sometimes fill me with idle envy. Right now I'm watching them outside the window from math class. They get to just fly away, they get to soar above the planet and all its problems, into the sky, the endless expanse of blue. Or grey, but no matter the colour of the sky, they are free.

“With you as my wings, I believe I can fly.” It sounds so sappy now that I repeat it, but one year ago when I came up with the line, I thought it was just beautiful. How much things do change in eleven months. Did you know that we can't ever go back? You probably did, but I needed to say that because I feel like crying now. I feel like screaming, I feel like falling down, going to sleep and never waking up. I want to figure out how to fake a smile, because I just can't; they don't believe it's real.

I'm just one of 6.6 billion Earthbound victims of reality. I'm just a loner with no one to turn to, a freak without wings.