Dear God the only thing I ask of you is
to hold her when I'm not around,
when I'm much too far away
We all need that person who can be true to you
But I left her when I found her
And now I wish I'd stayed
’Cause I'm lonely and I'm tired
I'm missing you again oh no
Once again

-Dear God, Avenged Sevenfold

I watched her as she slept peacefully on my bed. I didn’t have the heart to wake her; she just looked so beautiful, like an angel. It surprised me how far we have come in this relationship. It seems like years ago we put on our façade and broke all the social rules. Our friends were betrayed along the way. We went behind our backs, behind our social standing for each other. Nobody knew of our affair and we liked it that way. It was always thrilling for us to meet secretly and share secret glances at each other throughout the halls of our high school. The passion we shared was unbelievable and it makes me wonder how a guy like me could ever experience such a love like the one I shared with her. She was my angel and she saved me in so many ways.

I watched as the shadows from the light danced across her face, but not once disturbing her of her slumber. As I watched her I reflected on the last eight months of my life. I thought about her and the mess we got ourselves into because we knew we couldn’t be together. We were from two different worlds and two different groups of people. It was amazing how someone like her would have befriended me in the first place. Her friends would have never accepted me and I accepted that. We knew the only way to be together was to hide our relationship.

It grew difficult after some time for people started getting suspicious. We were lying to everybody and felt no guilt, but it was wrong. And as I looked at her that night, I realized that this wasn’t the life she was supposed to be living. It took me eight months to figure it out, but I was so blinded by love that I hadn’t realized how selfish we were to being with. She had better things in life and I wasn’t going to hold her back from becoming something, so as she stirred sleepily and cuddled into my embrace I made my decision. It was time for us to go our separate ways. I never wanted to hurt her, but I knew it couldn’t go on like this. I prayed that night, hoping that in time she would forgive me and move on with her life. I prayed that she would move on and find someone else who would love her with all his heart and that she would be happy with him, knowing that if I hadn’t left her, she’d never be that woman. I knew she’d had so much to live for.

When the time came, I knew I had to leave her. I gently eased myself away and began writing a letter to her, explaining my reasons for leaving and hoping that she would understand and not be angry. I begged her to think rationally and find in her the strength to overcome this sudden change to her life.

I packed my things quietly and left the note by her side. I took a quick glance around the messy room and gave her one last kiss on her forehead. I turned the light out and gently closed the door so I wouldn’t wake her up. I wasn’t sure when she would wake, but I knew that I would be long gone before she could try and find me. I turned my mobile off and made my way to the airport with all my things. I’d be on my way back to London and she would start her life and make the right choices. I knew it my heart I was doing the right thing, but it still hurt to know that the only woman I had come to love, the only woman who had ever loved me in return was the one I was leaving.

After five years, I know I still love her. Not a day goes by when I don’t think about her and wish things could have been different between us. I’d be foolish to think that a miracle would happen and everyone would somehow accept us and let us love each other. I just hope now that she has someone in her life, taking care of her since I couldn’t be there to do it for her.

I’ll always love her. I have no doubt about that, but I know that I can’t be there for her. If things were different I’d still be there with her now.

She was the only thing that ever mattered to me.