A/N This is really for you few that have stuck with this so far. Thanks so much for giving some love to the one story I actually care about. It's tough seeing the seriously amateur stuff being eaten by the spoonful when I actually took the time to develop this story, and like...love it and all that jazz.

Thanks you guys. I really appreciate it.

Peace

Entry #5 June 6

Awe man, I’m such a fucking moron! What the hell, he was just trying to have a conversation and there I was getting all fuckin flustered and blushing and shit. What the hell is wrong with me! Yeah, he’s really cool and I’d so like to be like him, but why the hell am I acting so weird around him? Ugh, I’m going to scream. I can’t go tomorrow, today was just too weird. He probably thinks I’m some kind of faggot the way I kept blushing when he asked me questions and stuff. What the hell! Maybe I shouldn’t keep this job. I feel too weird around him and I don’t like it.

Anyway, I got really sick today at work. Leo told me that I passed out while I was cleaning because I over exerted myself. I believe it, I do work too much and I wasn’t drinking anywhere’s near enough water. I don’t know though, I can’t remember what happened. All I can remember is walking upstairs and then everything just goes blank from there. Maybe I hit my head really hard or something. I dunno. Leo did say I was standing on one of the windowsills when I passed out. Maybe something’s really wrong with me?

I decided that I’m going to paint Leo. The picture I got is really nice and I’d love to try and recreate it with oil paints. I’m pretty good with a brush.

He picked me up today. When I fell on my way to the door. He just grabbed me and lifted me right off of my feet. It was amazing. I didn’t think he was that strong, but I guess I am pretty light. And then he made me eat ice cream… Okay, he didn’t make me, but he gave me homemade ice cream and it was awesome. I wonder if he’d let me buy some off of him or something? It was great.

ooo

June 6

I don’t know what to think anymore. At first when my father hired that boy I was mad. He’s just a child, he shouldn’t be working the way he is. And then I met him.

His name is Collin, and already we’re on nicknames. I guess that’s my fault, I told him to call me Leo since I like it better than my full name. He told me to call him Cole since he doesn’t really like his first name either. He’s really nice, and now I’m glad my dad hired him. Sure he’s only sixteen and I’m an adult, but what the hell, it’s not like I’m all that grown up anyway. I think he’s lost on his childhood as well. He likes work way too much. He made himself sick today because he refused to get out of the sun. My dad made him come upstairs but when he did he passed out and ended up out for almost three hours. I caught him walking through the entrance hall talking about going home but he collapsed before he could make it.

He’s different. I noticed that every once in a while when I’d ask him a question he’d get kinda flustered. A few times he just stared at me before I got a response. I wonder if he’s gay? I mean that wouldn’t bother me any so long as he didn’t hit on me, I don’t lean that way. But… he’s something else, smart. And he likes my ice cream. I’m glad I stole that old recipe before my dad threw them all out. I wasn’t sure if it tasted any good but he ate it real fast. I hope I didn’t weird him out or anything, he seemed nervous when I approached him earlier and tried real hard to get away.

I’ll have to ask him about it later. I hope he’s all right.

Leo.

ooo

Yeah, I was afraid to go back to work. I didn’t know what he thought of me and I was afraid to find out so I faked sick on Monday and just stayed home. It was the first day I’d be missing school and the first day I missed work. Leo had told me to stay home though so I knew I wouldn’t get in trouble for missing work. I used that time to paint and to my surprise I got it done before nine that night. It looked great and I could hardly believe it. It looked almost exactly like the picture I had taken; only a little bigger since it was on canvas. A part of me wanted to give it to him, but then I remembered that he had no idea I had taken the picture. It would have been really stupid of me to give it to him. He’d think I was some sort of stalker. So I waited until it dried and I wrapped it up, sticking it in its own box and labeling it to stick with all the other pictures I had ever made.

The next day at school was almost like going through hell. Everyone wanted to know what it was like to be inside the gates of McLeod Manner and I told them it was just a very large house with a lot of people cleaning it. Still they pestered and it got so annoying by the end of the day that I jetted and took the bus back up to the manner to work on the garden. I had packed an extra bag that I kept there with all of my gardening equipment and I grabbed it and got started. The garden was still a mess, and I wanted to keep going on it.

“Good afternoon, Cole.”

I jumped. That old man just had to come up behind me. I turned and smiled up at him, he smiling back with his almost deceptive grin. “Good afternoon, Mr. McLeod.”

“How are we feeling today? You had quite a nasty fall on Sunday,” he said.

“I feel much better, sir,” I said, continuing to pull up the weeds on the last section of the garden.

“No pains?” he asked, almost too concerned.

I shook my head. “Nope.”

“Wonderful. If there’s anything you need just let me know. Have a good day.” He walked away, back up to his house where he usually hid. I sighed with relief. I didn’t enjoy talking to him much he made me feel weird. He was really nice and I didn’t really have a reason to be afraid of him or anything. I just didn’t really care to have conversations with him.

I looked over the garden. It was looking really nice, just dry and I frowned when I saw how wilted everything was starting to become. The weeding made it look cleaner, but the dryness of it became very obvious. It really needed more water than it was getting. I don’t think I saw the sprinklers come on once while I was there all weekend. I sighed and sat back, my back still a little sore from Sunday. The bending wasn’t helping and I rubbed it a bit.

“Back still bothering you?” I heard Leo say as he walked towards me instead of from behind me.

“A little,” I said, picking up my scoop and digging out a really big weed.

“Maybe you should take a break?” he said.

I looked up at him and raised a brow. “I just got here. What is it with you and me taking breaks anyway?” I said, turning back to trying to get the weed out.

He sighed and knelt down next to me. “I don’t want you to injure yourself. To be honest, I think you’re too young for manual labor.” He reached around me and stuck his hand in the hole I had been digging around the weed. “I understand that you’re a workaholic and all but… there’s such a thing as too much.” He twisted his hand and pulled it out so easily I almost screamed.

“How did you do that? I’ve been working on that for ten minutes,” I said, staring at him almost in awe.

He smiled and chuckled. “It wasn’t hard, you’d already dug far enough, you could have pulled it out,” he said, placing it on the pile.

“Oh.” I felt a little stupid but he didn’t seem to mind at all. He just chuckled a bit and grabbed the little fork I had to start smoothing out the dirt.

“It’s okay. This place looks really good, you’ve only spent three days on it and it’s already almost done,” he said, looking around the large garden at what I’d accomplished.

I sighed. “Yeah, but it’s a mess. It’s too dry and I don’t know where the sprinklers are. Look at how dead everything is, it’s starting to tick me off,” I said, pulling up some more weeds. “You wouldn’t happen to know where the timers are, would you?”

He shook his head. “Not the main ones. My garden has its own system. You’ll have to ask the other gardeners.” He looked down at me apologetically. “Sorry.”

I sighed. “It’s all right. I should probably do that now then. This place is going to hell if it doesn’t get any water soon,” I said, continuing to prune a bit. I sighed again and sat back. “He told me it was already a nice garden.”

Leo laughed. “He told you that? This garden hasn’t gotten any attention in months. Now I’m really starting to wonder what his idea of beautiful is. Oh well, I got stuff to do. Let me know if I can help you with anything else,” he said and he stood and headed off across the large lawn towards the barn. I noticed he went there often. It was one of the only places I saw him when he was out back, around the barn or coming out from behind it where the field of trees was a little thinner.

I sighed and went back to my weeding. My back was really starting to bother me what with all the bending over and such and I really wanted to take a walk and stretch a bit. I figured now would be the perfect time to ask around for the sprinkler controls so I stood and sought out one of the other gardeners. There was a senior gardener not far off next to the house tending to some bushes. I figured if anyone knew where the system was it’d be someone who’d been working there for a few years.

“Excuse me?” I asked, walking up to him.

He looked back at me and almost seemed a little annoyed. “What do you want?”

Geez, a little harsh? “I was wondering if you knew where the sprinkler controls are? The garden could really use some water,” I said, being as polite as I could.

He looked at me for a minute, almost as though he were considering being polite and helping me or turn me down. “Yeah, I can show you. C’mon, follow me,” he said.

I sighed with relief. The last thing I needed was to be on the bad side of the other people that worked here. I hadn’t really talked to any one yet save for Mr. McLeod and Leo so I was afraid that they might have though I was being spoiled.

I followed the guy down through the garden towards the barn. He was greeting a couple other people on his way over and it made me kind of nervous because they all looked at me and laughed. I was starting to suspect something, but what could I do? It wasn’t like I had a choice. Leo didn’t know where anything was, and neither did Mr. McLeod. I was counting on the others for help so that my garden didn’t die.

We stopped before the large entrance to the barn and he pointed inside. “See that stall there, the one that’s got the big sliding door and the boarded window?”

“Yeah,” I said a little uneasily.

“That’s them in there. The ones you’re looking for are marked black,” he said.

I stared for a minute. I didn’t much like barns or horses. I had had a bad experience when I was younger and I never really got over it. “Are you sure?” I asked, very uneasy about the whole thing.

“Yes I’m sure. Go ahead, it’s not like they’re going to jump out and kill you or anything,” he said. I didn’t like the sound of his voice.

I turned back to the barn just the same and walked in, not realizing that as I neared the door the other gardeners started gathering around and the tension thickened. I reached out and lifted the latch, giving it one quick pull. It slid open and as soon as it did I found out why everyone was watching.

A huge black horse took one look at me and freaked, rearing back and screeching as it started kicking at me with its front legs, towering over me like some crazed animal. I screamed, fear keeping my feet planted on the ground, as I covered my head and closed my eyes. When I thought for sure the horse would come down on me I felt someone grab me from behind and my body being tossed back away from the stall and the horse before me. Unfortunately, they tossed too hard and my head hit the stall behind me.

My hands flew to my head and when I looked up I saw Leo, screaming at the horse and waving his arms. He made a quick jab with one of his hands and it hit the horse in the chest, causing it to move back and lower itself to all fours again. He grabbed the harness it had been wearing and pushed, pulling its head down and forcing it back further.

“Get back! Go on! You know better you giant pain-in-the-ass. What if it had been me, huh? You gunna kick me in the head?” he asked. I heard the horse give an almost content whinny and Leo reappeared, pulling the door shut and making sure it was secure. It was then I heard the laughter coming from the front of the barn and I looked over to find just about every worker on the grounds staring at me and laughing hysterically. It was a joke. They’d done it on purpose to torture me and now they were laughing as I sat here scared and in pain.

Leo looked down at me and he had probably the meanest look on his face I had ever seen. He shook his head a bit and looked back towards the others. “You think this is funny? Why don’t you come over here and open this door. We’ll see how funny it is when you nearly get smashed in the head by a one-ton horse. Well?” he said angrily. The other horses in the barn were all in an uproar and I was scared witless. While he was going off I stood and headed for the back, finding an unused stall and hiding myself in it. I didn’t know why but I started to cry, fear and humiliation washing over me until I almost choked on it.

I sat there, huddled in a corner, my head throbbing, listening to the horses try to calm themselves and Leo scream at those who had tricked me. After a few minutes everything started to calm down, but I couldn’t stop crying. I was so scared. A horse had nearly killed me when I was younger and it had been a very similar looking horse. I curled a little tighter as the memory relived itself in my head and I rubbed the spot that had hit the wall when Leo threw me across the room.

“Cole?” I heard, coming from the hallway that split the barn. I didn’t answer. “Cole, where are you?” I didn’t want him to see me; I was too embarrassed. “Cole, it’s okay, where are you?” I tried to keep quiet but it didn’t work, and he heard me as he approached the rear of the barn. I held my breath, hoping he’d pass the stall, but the next thing I knew there was a gentle hand on my shoulder, and I opened my eyes to see a very concerned looking Leo sitting before me.

“Hey? Are you all right? It’s okay; don’t be upset it was an accident. I’m not mad at you,” he said gently.

I couldn’t hold my breath any more and it came out in a sob, more tears running down my face as I tried to get a hold of myself, and held tight to my head. “I’m sorry… I didn’t know that…”

“It’s all right, calm down. Are you okay? What’s wrong with your head? Did he kick you!” he asked quickly, his voice heavy with worry.

“No… hit it when… on the stall across from… that one,” I managed, trying to choke back sobs. I was now getting angry with myself for crying like I was. I must have looked like an idiot.

“Oops, that’s probably my fault. Let me see, calm down,” he said gently, reaching up and touching my hand. His touch was so light, almost not touching me at all, and it was hard to believe it was the same hand that had forced a giant horse back into its stall only minutes ago. Slowly I moved my hand and tilted my head so that he could look at it. I heard him gasp. “Well, that’s a little more than a bump on the head isn’t it. Almost gives a new meaning to splitting headache,” he said lightheartedly.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” I asked, almost panicking. It hurt and it burned and he made me nervous with his comment.

He chuckled a bit and I felt him touch my head, moving my hair gently and pushing it around a bit. I felt my face flush again and I rolled my eyes, swearing at myself again for being such a pansy. “It’s nothing you need to worry about but I bet it hurts.”

“Yeah, it hurts, what happened? What is it?” I asked, almost annoyed even though each gentle movement his fingers made sent a small shiver down my spine.

“It’s just a little cut. I can get it fixed up real fast upstairs.” I felt his fingers touch my chin again and I looked up, snuffing a bit. “Are you gunna be all right, or are we going to have to install some kind of fountain?”

“That’s not funny.” Yes it was.

“You’re right, I’m sorry. C’mon, it’s okay. They didn’t really think Brazen was going to rear like that.”

“They obviously thought he was going to do something! They told me that’s where the sprinklers were connected,” I said, starting to get upset again.

“I know, I know! Calm down, it’s okay. Let’s get you upstairs and fix this before it gets worse,” he said, gathering me gently and helping me to my feet. I gasped a bit and my breath caught as he practically lifted me off of the ground and placed me on my feet. I heard him chuckle a bit and again I cursed myself internally. What an idiot I was.

He led me out of the stall and across the hall where I saw another door. Before he opened it there was a loud whinny from the stall next to it and a horse’s head popped out from between the bars. I gasped and tried to jump back, but Leo held me tight.

“It’s okay. She’s not gunna hurt you. What’s a matter, Precious, did Brazen make you all upset with his ruffian actions?” he said, his voice babyish and a little higher than usual. He reached out and rubbed her nose gently and she pushed closer. I gasped and moved back. “Calm down, Cole, she’s not going to hurt you.”

“I don’t like horses!” I said, trying to pull away from him. His hold of me was strong and made a slight blush tint my cheeks. Thank gawd they’re already red.

“Okay, then let’s get upstairs.” He pulled me over to the door and opened it, my nerves relaxing a bit when I found stairs on the other side. He nudged me on and when we reached the second story he opened another door and flicked on a light, ushering me inside. It was a lounge of some sort and looked almost like it was being lived in. “Sit here, I’ll get you some ice,” he said, clearing off a chair and ushering me over to it. I sat down and relaxed, my back thanking me for the comfortable place to rest.

“I can’t believe they’d do that,” I said without really realizing it.

Leo looked over from the mini freezer he was digging in. “Don’t let them get to you.”

“Don’t let them get to me? They told me to go into a stall with a killer horse in it and they thought it was funny,” I said, bringing down my hand to see how bad the cut was bleeding. I grimaced slightly and quickly pressed it on again.

Leo sighed and pulled something out of the freezer, walking over to me as he wrapped it in a cloth. “I know they can be mean. They don’t think it’s fair that a boy like you gets the highest paying job and they’re still trying to break a thousand. Here, hold this here,” he said, placing the ice pack gently on my head.

“I have the highest paying job?” I asked shocked. I thought I was making minimum wage since I had just started.

“Yup. Taking care of my dad’s garden and his private hall. You’ve got it made,” he said, moving away again and searching through a cabinet. He pulled out some bandages and walked back over.

“I didn’t know I’d be making so much.”

“Well, you are. Here, let’s see it,” he said. I moved my hand and he moved my hair around again, dabbing at the spot with a wet washcloth as gently as he could. I still hissed a bit and bit my bottom lip. “Sorry.”

“It’s okay,” I managed as he continued to wash it off. He stopped that and dried it, much to my dislike, then applied an invisible bandage as gently as he could. When he was finished he took my head gently in his hands and blew on the cut. I gasped and tensed and after a few seconds he seemed to tense as well and almost seemed lost. He stopped blowing and I could hear his heart beat increasing a bit before he released me and moved away. I simply sat there, holding the ice pack to the back of my head, my face flushed a bit. I looked towards the sink where I saw him standing, washing the cloth he had used for my head. He looked a little uneasy and I wondered briefly what he was thinking about.

After a few minutes of awkward silence he looked back at me, wanting to say something but almost being unable to. “Uh… do you want something to eat or drink?” he asked.

“Just some water,” I said, my voice surprisingly steady. He nodded and grabbed a glass, filling it and bringing it over. I reached for it and then noticed I still had blood in my hand. “Oh… uh—,”

“Oops, here, let me… uh… just…” he seemed flustered and for some reason I wanted to smile. I don’t really know why I just did but didn’t want to at the same time, afraid he’d get offended or question me or something. So I simply smiled and watched him look around almost nervously. Finally he placed the glass down on the corner of the table that held the TV and walked back over to the sink, gathering the washcloth and bringing it back over. He reached out and grabbed my hand without warning and again I tensed as he washed it gently, wiping away the almost dried blood and bringing it around to the back of my head. He reached for the other and I grabbed the slipping ice pack with the freshly cleaned hand. He took my hand and did the same then handed me the glass of water. “I have to go do something real quick. I’ll be right back,” he said and he walked out of the room and across the hall to the other.

I sighed with relief and tried to relax. That had been very awkward. Not that I minded him touching me at all, which I guess was one of the reasons I found the situation so weird. It was like he wasn’t even thinking as he tended to me. Then when he grabbed my head and blew on the cut like he had… It was almost as though it hadn’t really been him doing it and that he hadn’t really meant to.

I sighed again and sat back in the chair, sipping from the glass and staring at the ceiling, thinking hard about what was happening. I couldn’t understand it. He was so cool to me, so powerful. I wanted to be him so bad but then I wanted something else. I almost wanted, wished that he would come back in and caress me like he had, his gentle hands running soothingly over my head and my face. Then he would wrap me in his arms and hold me and all the pain would go away.

I gasped. Now I was scaring myself. Why did I want that? Why was I thinking that? It was just something stupid; it had to be. I was seeing him as an older brother, my older brother used to hold me when I’d get hurt. That was it; he was almost like an older brother to me. After all he was twenty-two and my brother was twenty, it made sense that I saw Leo as such.

I was starting to panic then, my heart racing and I prayed and hoped that Leo wouldn’t come back into the room, that he’d stay where ever he was and let me alone until I had control of my thoughts again. I was scaring myself and trying to convince my mind that he was a brother figure was almost harder than it should have been. I chugged the water and stood up, walking across the room and filling it again, then chugging it, trying desperately to cool my tempered skin and ease my nerves. He was just a brother. Just like my brother. I heard a door open and I looked up in time to see Leo walk across the hall, heading for the room.

Then I stopped panicking, seeing him almost soothing instead of frightening me further. He walked into the room, looking like he had just over come some sort of panic attack, and I just smiled kindly, the smile I used when I had something to hide and I knew that they would never find out. He didn’t know what that smile meant and just smiled back.

“H-how do you feel?” he asked, brushing his fingers through his shoulder length black hair, and away from his face, which looked a little flushed.

“Fine. What about you? You don’t look so good,” I said, filling the glass again and downing it.

“Oh, I’m fine, I think I might be getting a cold or something, I feel a little too flushed.”

“Oh, well, do you want some water? It might help you cool off some,” I said coolly. I filled the glass and held it out to him, watching, as he seemed to think about it before he reached out and just snatched it, drinking down the clear liquid quickly and sighing in relief.

“Thanks, that helped,” he said, smiling slightly yet looking rather lost. “You know it’s getting really late, do you want me to drive you home?” He rolled up the sleeves of his shirt and my heart jumped knowing it was the first time I had gotten to see just how powerful his arms were, and I looked away and acted as cool as ever.

“Nah, I can walk home. Thanks for everything today, you just about saved my life down there,” I said, straightening out my clothes and brushing back my hair.

“Yeah, of course. I wasn’t just going to stand there and watch Brazen come down on you, I’m not evil like that,” he said, almost jumping at the chance to use his words to calm himself. Realizing how nervous he was only made me more nervous and I decided I had to get out.

“Okay, well… see ya,” I said and I walked around him and took off, walking nervously out of the barn and heading quickly up to the garden where all my stuff was. It was just starting to get dark and I figured I had maybe a half hour before it would be just that. I quickly packed up everything that had been out and put the pack away, grabbing my schoolbooks and heading home. I had a little bit of homework to do, but nothing that would deter me and keep my attention off of what had just happened.

I shook my head and tried to clear it as I walked down the path towards the front. I wanted to get home, to my room where I felt safe and I could think things out for myself. I was walking in a daze and as I crossed streets and headed away I was brought back to reality by many a blaring car horn. It was then I started to seriously worry. Leo was just a brother. Why was I thinking about it so hard? I shook my head and ran the rest of the way, wanting to get home fast yet have a good reason for going straight up to my room. Luckily for me everyone was out shopping or doing something so I ran up, let myself in, then locked myself in my bedroom. I had to write. I had to get it out.