I’m worst at what I do best…living. I’ve been cursed into death. Death is all around me in my family, in my friends. But the only one I want dead now won’t die. The only one I want dead now is me. So many near death experiences. So close I could taste its sweet breath. But it was snatched away out of my reach. So many failed attempts of suicide. God, I can’t even do that right! What good am I? What does the world want from me? So many people wanting me dead. Oh, please don’t get angry. Believe me, I’m trying!

It seems I’m sinking slowly— No! I’m falling fast deeper into this mess. A dark well. Too deep to get out alone. There’s a ladder. But the ladder is quickly dissolving away. I had my chance, why didn’t I take it? It’s too late now. I’m stuck. I’m left to rot in darkness and cold, but never die. Don’t worry. I’ll be here for a while. So many people, so much hate.

I see death hiding in the shadows. Come closer, closer. It disappears. Just a tease. I actually thought I could escape this time. No, death knows better. It won’t take me. I have sinned so I must be punished. My tears mean nothing now. But don’t worry.

I was almost out before. Out of this pit. I could see light. But there was this boy. He said he said he could help me out. He told me he could grab my hand, pull me out, but I had to trust him. Trust. I couldn’t do that. Trust had had made me fall in the first place. Why should I think trust could pull me out? So I didn’t do it. And I slipped. I fell. Nothing to grab on to. He watched me fall deeper than before. He didn’t scream, didn’t reach out, didn’t even call my name. He just watched me. He never tried to help me after. But I did see him. He comes to watch. That’s all he ever does. Just watched me stumble.

My ladders almost gone. There’s still a chance though. But the only way out is to go through everything I fell through. And I have trust it. Trust it to get me out. Trust it to not crumble as I’m almost out. Trust it to know it’s not just a tease. But it is.

I found a knife in all this rubble. Could this be the answer to my problems? Could this be my way out? No, of course not. It doesn’t matter how deep I cut. It’ll fail. Don’t worry. So I cut. Deep. It hurt a little at first. But it numbed away. I felt blood run down my arm. My blood. I felt in control. I felt…scared? Why am I scared? This is what I wanted, right? No! Please make it stop! I don’t want to die now! He’s watching me again. Please help me! I scream. More blood pours out. Please! I trust you now! I trust you! Trust. I reached up to him, and he reached back. But he was to far away.

No! I was too far away! I was too far down! I had a chance to get out! I didn’t take it! I didn’t take it! Please don’t take me away! Not now, not now! I’ll take it! I’ll trust him!

No! You just watched me. You didn’t help me! Why should I trust you? But I don’t want to die! Not yet! I want out! Please no! I still see him. He’s still reaching out. Why are you so desperate to save me? You can’t! I can only save myself. If only I could trust. I can! I trust you! I love you!

My vision is becoming blurry. I’m so scared! Please no! I see death now. I taste it. It’s not sweet like before. Please don’t take me. Don’t come closer! Stay away! I can’t breath! I taste blood! He’s still coming! Go away! I’m not ready! Please, I don’t want to die! I’m overcome with fear. I can’t move. All my strength spilled out. All my blood spilled out. I lay lifeless on the floor. I can’t do much more. So helpless. So pathetic. So lifeless. This is it. No need to plead now. Death has made up its mind.

I look up. He looks so scared. I don’t want to lose him. He doesn’t want to lose me. I can’t help it. Wait, it was my fault! I’m sorry! I can’t do anything right. He was the last thing I saw as the world faded away. He was the last thing I saw as I finally died. I’ve been cursed into death. But don’t worry. I’ll be her for a while,

Signed,

Jess

Finally gone!