Chapter III

I pull up my top in front of the mirror whilst my eyes are squeezed shut. I let out a deep, but sharp breath and mentally remind myself it’s only been six weeks in. I open my eyes and look directly at my stomach. I turn sideways, still looking. I frown because it’s completely flat and then bite my lip when I realise that no one’s ever been pregnant around me and I don’t know how I should look. Maybe I should correct that; no teenager has ever been pregnant around me. I let go of my top and pull it down. I walk over to my bed and sit down on the edge. I’m really confused, but not scared. I was scared before, when I’d first found out, but I wasn’t now that he wasn’t part of it.

Say his name, Paige. I am reprimanding myself. You can’t be too scared to do that. I am, I am, I am. I repeat it stubbornly. I’m afraid of doing the stupid thing. I don’t want to end up calling him and telling him everything, although, at least now I know he won’t believe the truth. He thinks I’m a liar.

It just reminds me for the millionth time that I hadn’t told him about my dad. I know he deserved at least that, and much more. I feel so bad about it, even though I’ll admit that it had served to help me do the hardest thing, and that was to cut off from him.

The phone rings and disrupts my contemplating. I take a deep breath because no one I want to know will be at the other end of that line. I pick up the handset and look at the caller display. Monica. It had to be perfect timing. I knew that by now Daniel would have told Brad, his best friend of ten years, who would have told Monica, his girlfriend of two, who is now talking to me.

“Hello?”

I try to sound as calm and as normal as I can, because knowing the pride that Daniel has inside him, and knowing his ego, he won’t let anyone know for a while. Not until I’ve gone at least. Unless…

“Hi Paige,” I can hear Monica’s falsely sweet smile. “How are you?”

“Well, I’m fine…” I answer, nervous, because I could never pull off their knack of lying as well as any of them.

“You had a great time yesterday?” she asks.

I answer her with a yes, but absentmindedly because I suddenly remember her running, crying. With that guy. I let out a sigh, and regret it when I remember who I'm on the phone with.

“You haven’t been listening have you?” Monica clicks her tongue.

“God, sorry,” I apologise sheepishly, hiding a laugh that inappropriately surfaces.

“What the hell? Is something wrong Paige?” Monica sounds impatient, and I know it is with reason, because not even her worst enemy would have the guts to ignore her outright, let alone someone like me.

“Yeah, something is wrong Monica,” I answer. “I’m leaving the state after we finish this year. I’m going New York.”

Monica doesn’t expect that, especially because of the tone of voice I’m using. She takes a second to recover, but I don’t like it when she does.

“Fuck,” she growls, sounding so unlike herself. “How long have you known and why?”

“Since about a month,” I say slowly, then I continue before she has a chance to say anything. “Listen, I think we need to talk about this face to face.”

“Yeah, so do I,” I hear her. “And about you. And Daniel. Monday at five, my place.”

The line is dead, but I don’t put the phone down because Daniel’s picture is plastered on my wallpaper. He has his lips against my neck.

“Miss you already,” I whisper, because no one is around to hear me.

I really don’t know how it’ll be at school. How will we face each other? I can’t answer anything Monica asks me until I know the answers for myself. I slide the phone open and press the first speed dial. My heart begins to accelerate, and I glare at myself. This is only for school I tell myself. Nothing else. I get to the answer machine, because of course he won’t want to talk to me. Hell, he’s probably with another girl already. I leave him a message anyway.

“Daniel. I think you’ve got the message that… that we’re over, I mean, that we can’t be together anymore,” I pause, because I have to catch my breath. “But the thing is we need… I need to know what it is that we’ll be telling everyone else. I don’t know what’s going on really, I mean, like what I said was just something. Can we meet up at the park bench tomorrow after you’ve finished work? OK, uhm, bye Daniel. I lo-”

I panic and slide the phone down. Am I stupid? Was I actually going to say that? That I love him? Can I delete the message? I’m frenzied as I search through my phone, trying every option, even though it’s obvious it won’t work.

I am frantic not to think about every badly phrased sentence in that short message, and I need to check up on dad, so I stand up, still thinking about my stupidity. I feel so naive, because I remember the last girlfriend Daniel broke up with, and his treatment of her, and the fact that that time, Daniel had dumped her. Has he ever been dumped? Or cheated on? Both of which are crimes which I have self-confessed to.

I push open dad’s door and see that he is still sleeping. I walk over to him and tuck him in properly, then lean over to kiss his cheek. He stirs and opens one eyes slightly, he smiles when he sees that it is me, and goes back into his slumber.

“Love you dad,” I smile.

He mumbles something incoherent as I stand up straight. I know he will still be asleep for another few hours, and besides Jamie will be coming to check up on him, so I decide to make a much needed trip to the drugstore.

I walk down the stairs, out of the door and pull on my jacket. I know that things are going to be very hard from now on.

It’s really warm outside, so I sling my jacket over my handbag. I grab a ribbon and tie my hair back into a messy ponytail. I check the time on my phone and begin to walk more briskly towards the bus stop. The waiting is agonising, because it gives me time to think about everything; the pregnancy, Daniel, school, my friends, popularity, dad’s condition, getting away, for a whole fifteen minutes. I have nothing to block out the thoughts which makes it much worse, and sound of the bus’s breaks are a relief for me.

I step on and find myself standing next to a woman with a pushchair and a pregnant bump. She sees me looking at the baby and smiles at her, at which I smile tentatively and look away.

The bus becomes really crowded and the woman finds herself cornered behind two tall guys.

“Excuse me,” I frown.

Either they don’t hear me, of they aren’t listening. Jerks.

“Hey!” I growl, not knowing where this newfound confidence has sprung from. “Can’t you see she needs to get off?”

One of the guys looks back at me to retort, but then he just moves out of the way.

“Sorry, yeah?” he nods at her gruffly like an afterthought as she scuttles past them after giving me a tender ‘thank you’.

I arrive at the mall about half an hour later. I want to make this as quick as possible, so I make my way to the drugstore as quickly as I can. I walk through the aisles and find the Pregnacare tablets that I am looking for and move out of the way for another woman who is reaching out for them. When she doesn’t, I look at her face, and my cheeks flush with embarrassment. I open my mouth, but think it wise not to say anything. I feel so humiliated, especially when she looks at me with so much disgust. I feel tears pricking my eyes and wonder if she had a right to do that. A part of me feels disgusted with myself.

I slowly walk over to the counter, trying hard to make the two boxes of tablets as inconspicuous as possible, but I see other people giving me dirty looks as I queue up at the counter, so I choose to look down and place my tablets and the money on the counter as I pay with the intent of just getting the hell out of here.

“Paige, right?”

It’s a guy’s voice and I find myself in shock. Someone I know! I look up half in terror, and meet the cerulean blue eyes that I’d seen twice before. It takes me a split second to realise that it was in this same drugstore when I’d bought my first pregnancy test that I’d seen him. At the counter.

“I-” I mumble. “Yeah. Nice meeting you again.”

I smile at him shakily, before I grab the bag he has put the tablets in.

“What’s the hurry?” he asks shrewdly. “There’s no queue. Oh and thanks about the Monica thing.”

I nod and smile again.

“No problem, look I have to go somewhere, nice talking to you.” I say rapidly.

“Jayden Steadman,” he says after me, as though I’d asked for his name.

I don’t look back. I am horrified that I’d met him. He knows Monica, is he related to her? I try hard not to think about it, but I still can’t help it. That had to be the worst time I’d ever had in a drugstore.

I don’t really want to go home straight away, but I phone up Jamie and ask if she’s in, and I feel consoled when she says she is. The thought of dad being without me, even whilst Jamie is there, causes tears to spring to my eyes. Instead of walking towards the park, which is where I was originally headed, I walk over to the bus stop.

Dad. I savour the word in my mind, because I don’t know how many times I’ll be able to say it after. Daddy. My daddy. I squeeze my eyes shut, even though everyone knows that is the worst thing to keep threatening tears at bay, but it is the only thing I can do to block out everything, and wonder how I am coping when I know that soon, he will be gone. I think of a conversation we had a few weeks ago whilst he was drunk.

--

“Paige?”

“Yes daddy?” I stop and turn my eyes away from the TV to look at him with a faint smile on my lips. I walk over to him and gently prise the bottle that he is holding out of his hand and onto the floor. I then reach for a tissue to wipe the beer that has made its way out of his mouth.

Then I see the first tear. Everything freezes as I see the first tear travel from his eye in maybe more than a decade. My heart lurches and I kneel down with my hands on his lap.

“What is it?” I already feel tears in my eyes.

His pain is my own.

“I’m sorry that I’m leaving you,” he replies, looking me straight in the eye.

“What?” I blink. “Leaving dad?”

He nods; the tears do not cease.

“Going to your mom.” He mumbles in a slur that is barely audible.

The lump in my throat only grows bigger when realisation hits. ‘He knows’ is all I can think. He knows that he is leaving, that he is… dying. I put my head in his lap and inhale the smell of laundry detergent on his trousers. Then, with an effort that almost breaks me, I stand.

“Daddy, I can take care of myself,” I kiss his forehead. “Although you know I’ll miss you, but I also know that I’ll meet you someday. In Heaven.”

He smiles at me, I do not know if he really understands what I said, but it doesn’t matter, as long as he knows that I love him. More than anything.

“I love you Tenshi,” he squeezes both my hands between his.

The last word is in Japanese, a country that for him, should have been part of something he shouldn’t remember. I let a tear slip. It had been ages since he’d called me that, forever since he’d called me his Angel. I cannot say anything in reply, so I just grip his hands as if they are my life force.

I wish he never had to go…

--

At home, I sit with dad and talk to him. Just as he likes me to. I know I have a ton of homework to do, but is it really relevant? I’m leaving school soon…

I try not to dwell on the thought, even though it is a future that I have laid out for myself. A plan constructed after I found out that I was carrying a child. A child I could not kill no matter what people were to say.

People. School. Daniel.

It is like an ominous link has formed in my mind, which causes every thought I have to connect to him. I place my head on dad’s shoulder, and link my arm into his. I know he likes it when I do this, and no matter how many times Jamie wishes to chastise me for it, in the end, what I want for dad is happiness. It doesn’t matter if she thinks that I shouldn’t be a baby around him. He likes it.

I jerk back to my previous chain of thoughts, and think of the days that lie ahead. The days that I have, I realise, made Hell for myself. Tomorrow, I must see Daniel. I sigh uneasily, and a frown etches upon my brow. It is one date with Daniel that I am not looking forward to. I can imagine his every move and word and action. I curl my hand, and stretch my finger to where I know the telltale silver line is.

Daniel, I think, I feel like you’re going to make me regret everything that I have planned.

“Uuhh…” the groan is from dad. “Paige…”

I frown and barely look up at him when his body convulses and jerks forward.

“Dad?” I gulp, my hand shaking as they hold him. “D-dad? Daddy?!”

Hearing my screams, Jamie runs into the room, out of breath. She rolls dad over onto his back and I stare in horror when I see his eyes are open, but all I can see is white.

It is happening so fast that I cannot breathe. I watch uselessly Jamie as she tried to revive him, her body trembling, even when she tries to retain a calm demeanour. When I see her bloodshot eyes, I know what has happened, and I rush to the phone, fingers automatically dialling in a three-digit number. I hear the receiver being picked up at the other end, and I say the daunting words that I thought I wouldn’t have to for another few months.

“My dad is dead.”

A/N: Sorry for the late update!! Everything's been hanging due to lack of free time. So, hope there aren' t too many mistakes, because I've had to squeeze this between lots of revision. Enjoy and please reiview. Hopefully, chapter 4 will be out soon, because I've already written some of it. ;)