Receiver: evie-manchester

Sender: jonah-allain

10:20am

The sun never shone so bright than when you weren't looking my way.

Jonah.

________

Receiver: jonah-allain

Sender: evie-manchester

10:46am

Nothing would make me happier than if you would shove your head down a toilet and leave it there. FOR ALL ETERNITY.

Evie.

________

Receiver: evie-manchester

Sender: jonah-allain

11:08am

Your immature threats bore me, please go attempt to entertain someone else... maybe how you entertained Rafe at the party last week. *wink, wink, nudge nudge*

Jonah.

________

Receiver: jonah-allain

Sender: evie-manchester

12:01pm

Oh please, enough with the whole actions-in-writing thing. It makes you sound like a thirteen year old girl which is, admittedly quite an improvement... Maybe your girlfriend wouldn't think so but from what I've seen of her she's got some questionable outfits and rather loose morals so, who knows? Maybe she'd be into it...

Evie.

________

Receiver: evie-manchester

Sender: jonah-allain

12:09pm

Leave my girlfriend out of this. She has nothing to do with you and me. And her morals are not loose.

Jonah.

________

Receiver: jonah-allain

Sender: evie-manchester

1:53pm

Fine. I hate you with the fire of a thousand suns, I really want to throw you into the burning pits of hell but your mum probably wouldn't appreciate me after that and you know how much I love her choc chip biscuits. Mmm, delicious!

Evie.

________

Receiver: evie-manchester

Sender: jonah-allain

2:14pm

You always loved my mum more than you loved me. I've got quite the complex over it you know. Mum told me to tell you that you're welcome at dinner tonight. Or any night - like you didn't already know, and take full advantage of it. I'd prefer it if you didn't come though - sometimes when I have to be around you for extended periods of time my kidneys ache. It's really weird and uncomfortable.

Jonah.

________

Receiver: jonah-allain

Sender: evie-manchester

2:18pm

No, that would be the excessive over-eating which occurs whenever your goddess mother cooks (far too regularly) judging by the flab accumulating on my thighs. Besides, you think I could go one day without seeing your sweet smile, your intense blue eyes and thick, lovely blonde hair? No, I think not. It's pasta night right? I'll see you later!

Evie.

________

Receiver: evie-manchester

Sender: jonah-allain

3:35pm

Okay, (crazy stalker) calm down. I'll see you later (most unfortunately), bring your Myles Vincent EP so I can burn it then throw it at your head (razor disc style).

Jonah.

________

Receiver: jonah-allain

Sender: evie-manchester

3:49pm

Looking forward to it sweetie (asshole).

Evie.

________

xxx

Receiver: evie-manchester

Sender: jonah-allain

10:32pm

Just in case you died on the way home, I claim your CD collection, okay? Don't you dare will them to that twat of a cousin you have - Tinkerbelle or whatever the hell her name is. You will never be able to save her from the depths of music mainstreamery (goddamn you, spell-check! That should be a word!) She will never recover after listening to Britney Spears and the Pussycat Dolls excessively and without drugs. My fingers ache from just writing those names...

Jonah

________

Receiver: jonah-allain

Sender: evie-manchester

10:35pm

Well, dumbass, clearly I got home fine and do you really thing you'd get my music? No way, big boy! You're dreaming. By the way, my cousin can recite the lyrics of every Beatles song ever produced on demand - beat that! And her name is Bellatrix, you douche.

Evie.

________

Receiver: evie-manchester

Sender: jonah-allain

11:01pm

I don't appreciate the petty insults. Kindly pull your head out of your ass.

Jonah.

________

Receiver: jonah-allain

Sender: evie-manchester

11.16pm

Oh please. Man up, would you? You sound like a little girl 90% of the time!

Evie.

________

xxx

Receiver: jonah-allain

Sender: evie-manchester

3:45pm

I heard the fight today. Do you want to talk about it? Even though I hate you, you probably shouldn't bottle it up. Also, in future refrain from crying in public and then pretending you have something in both your eyes. It embarrasses me.

Evie.

________

Receiver: evie-manchester

Sender: jonah-allain

4:29pm

Gee, Evie, thanks a bunch for that really sympathetic message. It really improved my mood - brought me back from the pits of depression, that did.

Jonah.

________

Receiver: jonah-allain

Sender: evie-manchester

4:35pm

Sorry, the sarcasm comes naturally. Have you told your mum yet? Do you want me to? It wouldn't be a problem and she won't go on to me about how she said Rita was a piece of crap, horrible, bitchy excuse for a human being. I'd be saving you the lecture... What kind of a name is Rita anyway? You're better off without trash like her in your life, you know...

Evie.

________

Receiver: evie-manchester

Sender: jonah-allain

4:43pm

Please, please don't go into the counseling business. And it's okay, I think I can handle telling mum myself.

I should have known it wouldn't last really, shouldn't I? I thought I could change her nasty, philandering ways - you know, reform her.

Sucks for me.

Jonah.

________

Receiver: jonah-allain

Sender: evie-manchester

4:56pm

Oh come on, Jonah! It was never your fault! She's a crazy-evil-slut-bitch and if she gets jealous over a few emails and goes and sleeps with half the footy team in spite that's her problem! You are better off alone that with that whore. I'm sorry, but it's the truth.

Evie.

________

Receiver: evie-manchester

Sender: jonah-allain

5:03pm

Obviously making people feel better is your special talent, you should comfort people more often. Anyway, I don't recall you warning me against her when she came!

Jonah.

PS. I'd hardly call at least 20 emails a day only a few! My account is completely clogged with you talking complete crap. It gives me cramps every time I look in my inbox.

________

Receiver: jonah-allain

Sender: evie-manchester

5:15pm

Well, when you put it that way...

And excuse me, but how was I supposed to warn you? I didn't know her either! She was just some American import, I knew nothing of her outrageous sexual escapades and I don't really want to know any more of them! I swear to god, if everything written on the back of toilet walls is true - well, let's just say that you need to get to the doctors straight away! There may be no hope left for you. RIP.

Evie.

PS. I just got History Boys out on DVD if you want to come over and cry away your good health and STD free life on my adoring shoulder?

________

Receiver: evie-manchester

Sender: jonah-allain

5:19pm

Ignoring the STD comments, what's your dad cooking for dinner? And is there desert?

Jonah.

________

Receiver: jonah-allain

Sender: evie-manchester

5:23pm

Mum is cooking tonight...

Evie.

________

Receiver: evie-manchester

Sender: jonah-allain

5:25pm

I think I'll give it a miss then! I still haven't gotten over that last bout of food poisoning. I never chundered so much in my life. I believe my bowels were halfway up my throat before I passed out from lack of oxygen.

Jonah.

________

Receiver: jonah-allain

Sender: evie-manchester

5:31pm

Charming. I was only kidding, Jonah! Mum has only ever cooked that once!! Dad is making lasagna I think...

There is always ice-cream in our freezer.

Evie.

________

Receiver: evie-manchester

Sender: jonah-allain

5:33pm

I'll be there in 5. Plump the cushions in preparation. Also get out that little footstool I like.

Jonah.

________

Receiver: jonah-allain

Sender: evie-manchester

5:40pm

Men! Stomach first eh?

Evie.

PS. I don't expect a reply since you just pulled up in the driveway... AND GET OUT YOUR OWN BLOODY FOOTSTOOL!!