In a magical kingdom not too far away lived a beautiful princess. She lived with her father, the king, and her self-conscious step-mother. Her name was Snow White. She was as fair a maiden as any, all the townsfolk loved her, but when her step-mother hit her mid-life crisis she worried that the seven year old princess would be more beautiful than she.

Her first thought was boarding school but then she decided she should get someone to kill her just to make sure. In secret she told one of her guards to take the little princess out into the woods and do away with her. When it came time the guard knew he could not do the terrible deed. So the guard left her in the middle of the dark forest and went back to the kingdom assuring the Queen Snow White was no more.

The little princess then searched the forest for someone to aid her, for she was lost. In her quest she stumbled upon a small cottage. It is so adorable she thought. Skipping up to it, she knocked pleasantly on the door. A small little man answered the door.

“Who dare disturb the cottage of seven?” he squawked.

“Hello little man, my name is Princess Snow White! My step-mother just tried to kill me so now I’m seeking shelter,” she explained sweetly.

“Who is it Happy?” yelled another little man behind him.

“Oh just another princess with an evil step-mother that tried to kill her, what do you think Grumpy?” Happy asked hoarsely.

“Oh I think that would just be wonderful!” Grumpy squealed.

“Because we really need another person in a house of seven,” Happy rolled his eyes. Nevertheless, they invited her in to their cozy cottage where everything was two sizes too small. Snow White noticed the seven beds all in different vibrant colors, the seven pairs of shoes, the seven coats all hung neatly on the wall, the seven buckets lined against the wall, and the seven pairs of eyes staring up at her curiously.

“Snow White my name is Grumpy and it is so very pleasing to meet you! My I introduce Happy, Depressing, Angry, Humorous, Lazy, and Bob. We are the seven dwarves!”

And so Snow White lived with the seven dwarves quite happily for many years, collecting berries, singing to birds, helping out with the dwarf mining business, the whole nine yards. Until one day her step-mother learned she was still alive. If you want something done right, do it yourself she thought.

Disguising herself as a country hag she set out to find cottage of the seven dwarves, bringing along a poison apple. Entering the forest she found her step-daughter immediately, she was the one frolicking and talking to animals. It turned her stomach.

“Why hello and good morning to you!” Snow White sung in a merry voice. The step-mother grinned a toothy smile knowing this would be so simple.

“My dear I am an old country woman, and I have run an apple orchard for many years but I have never grown an apple quite as perfect as this. Only a maiden as perfect as yourself deserves an apple of this quality! Please take this apple.

“Oh my! Thank you so very much, you are such a kind old woman! Thank you, thank you. But really I’m not that great, why just this morning threw Bob down the stairs!” Snow White shook her head solemnly.

“You what? Never mind that, dear, I insist,” the hag smiled evilly.

“That apple does look delicious, why haven’t I seen you somewhere before?” the princess asked accepting the apple.

“No, no, can’t say we’ve met before,” the step-mother denied.

“Yes, yes, I can’t remember where but I defiantly have met you before,” she said trying to remember.

“No I think you are mistaken, just eat the apple,” the hag urged.

“Are you sure? You look exactly like my step-mother,” she said shaking her head.

“Yes… I get that a lot, just eat the apple,” the hag snapped. Princess Snow White shrugged off the feeling and accepted the apple. That’s right eat up the step-mother smiled to her self.

Just then a pearly white horse leapt out from the brush, raising its front hooves as to crush the hag and princess.

“Down Diamond! Down!” roared the rider over his horse’s protests. The powerful beast came back down onto his fours, revealing his master. The man hopped off his horse with such ease and grace that he must have been a prince. What could only be described as angel’s hair lay atop his gorgeous head.

“Where is my Princess so that I may give her her true love’s kiss!” the man bellowed.

“Excuse me?” questioned the princess.

“Oh I’m sorry have you not eaten the poison apple yet? Fiddlesticks I must be early! Well than carry on!” he urged.

“Poison apple, oh my!” Snow White cried. “Why you are my self- conscious step-mother!”

“No, no defiantly not me,” denied the hag.

“Don’t worry Princess you’ll only be dead for a little bit, I promise, and then we can get married,” confirmed the prince.

“What are you talking about! I’m not going to die! And I certainly am not going to marry you! I don’t even know you!” screamed the princess and ran off animals scattering in her wake.

“See what you did, you idiot!” screeched the step-mother.

“I knew I should have stopped at the bakery before rescuing her,” sighed the prince.

“I knew I should have sent her to boarding school,” she grumbled. Since then the self- conscious step-mother married the prince; Snow White married the guard, and the King kept on doing what ever he was doing at the beginning of this story because he obviously has no relevance to this story what so ever. And they all lived happily ever after…

Did they? Did they really?