~Epilogue: In the Distance~

Hope begets logic just as logic begets hope. Though they may not fit together, both logic and hope will always be part of the same puzzle. As long as you believe in yourself, logic and hope will always be available pieces for you.

Love from your stupid dad, who wishes you a speedy recovery.

I had grown costumed to the smell of anesthetics. The peach-colored walls seemed less peach and more gray with each passing day. The florescent lights seemed less bright everyday, too. A gentle spring breeze swept through this room from the open window, blowing the white curtains and flipping a few pages of the book on the tray in front of me. The scent of pollen waft from the window and made me sneeze a few times. I wiped my nose with a tissue and tossed it into the garbage bin. To think all of this started two years ago on my eighteenth birthday.

This room felt like a jail cell, and the walls seemed to close in on me everyday. There was nothing to do except sleep. Even sleeping lost its charm. Hospital food was bad enough, but the taste kept getting blander and blander with each meal. The pillow was nice and fluffy, though, and the sheets smelled of sweet fabric softener. I tried to fall asleep, but I couldn’t. I felt so restless, but I couldn’t do anything to expend this energy. Someone my age other than myself might have thought this wasn’t a bad deal if dying wasn’t a part of it.

The TV was telling me the weather, but I didn’t care. I wouldn’t be able to enjoy a gorgeous spring day anymore. I wouldn’t even be able to enjoy snow, thought pollution had already did a good job of that. Whenever it rained, my joints ached all day and I was extremely exhausted. Watching my vitals on the monitor was also excessively boring. I couldn’t go to college unless I wanted to cough up blood on my papers. I couldn’t leave this room without running the risk of dying quicker.

On occasion, Mom came in with work in her hands. She’d let me take a look and ask what I thought. Mom would come back a few days later and tell me how far my insight got her. Usually, it led to a major break in the case. I’d read about it in the newspaper, so I knew Mom wasn’t lying. I guessed she was trying to cheer me up in spite of the circumstances. This was the closest I would ever get to my childhood aspirations.

Since Dad quit the FBI, he became a police consultant. He did anything the chief of police asked him to do. I guessed it brought him a little closer to Mom to compensate for the fifteen years. He’d visit me a lot, too, and tell me stories of his fifteen-year absence. My favorite was when Dad had to just stick out his foot and tripped someone in order to arrest him. The guy went in quietly but said a whole lot of nothing. In the summers, Dad would sometimes bring me some watermelon. He knew his daughter well.

Dom and Rachel would visit if they were able to get off work and away from college. Dom was attending Monmouth while Rachel was up at the College of New Jersey. They both complained about the distance, but they were trying to make it work for their busy lives. Dom told me that he had intentions of proposing to Rachel soon. I wished I could see that day. I doubted he’d propose within the next year. I also doubted he would do it in a hospital.

With all the despair, I still had one little glimmer of hope left. Mom, Dom, and Rachel entered. Mom sat on the corner of my bed while Dom and Rachel pulled two chairs over. Mom didn’t have anything with her, except some watermelon from Dad. Apparently, he was busy at the moment and sorry he couldn’t deliver it himself. Dom and Rachel were talking about college and how much of a drag it was. I would rather be at a boring place than in an even more boring place like a hospital.

"College is really a drag," said Rachel. "I don’t even know what I want to do with myself afterwards. I’m thinking… hobo."

It hurt to laugh, but I couldn’t suppress the urge. "Suits you well."

Dom slapped his knee as he stopped laughing. "It so does! I can see it now."

Rachel slapped Dom across the face. "That is so rude! You, mister, are going to your room after this. No ifs, ands, or buts."

"Hey, you slap me but not her?" Dom pointed to me and asked, "What’s with the special treatment? Are you insane, woman?"

"She’s in the hospital, you piece of turd!"

Mom interrupted their little tiff. "All right, you two, keep it down. There are other patients in this ward besides Lindsay."

They both apologized. Dom helped me eat some of the watermelon. Each watermelon Dad picked out tasted more delicious than the last one. As I finished off the juicy watermelon, Mom left the room to use the restroom. Dom’s watch beeped, and he said he had to go to work. Rachel wanted to stay, but I told her she didn’t have to stay. I could tell she wanted to go with Dom and stay with me. That was when Kyle walked in. He had a plastic shopping bag in his hand.

I wanted to jump out of bed and tackle him, but common sense told me not to. Instead, I grinned like the idiot I was. Kyle was cute and healthy as ever, and he hadn’t changed much since the last time I saw him at the airport. He was just taller, and his hair wasn’t as messy as I recalled. In fact, Kyle looked more mature. His voice was deeper, and his skin was a little bit darker. He was wearing a short sleeved T-shirt and black jeans with Converse sneakers. He still had that one ear piercing in his left ear.

"I told you I’d come visit you," he said. "Look at you. Even when you’re dying, you look great."

"That isn’t the best compliment, just so you know." I covered my mouth as I coughed.

"I know." He beamed at me. "The slave driver known as my uncle finally let me get some time off for myself. It’s been a bit of hard work, but I manage to make it through the days." Kyle walked over to me and sat on my bed. He leaned in closer so that our faces were a fraction of an inch apart. "I told you I’d live a full life, but you didn’t listen."

I nodded. "I know you did."

"You didn’t believe me, did you?" Kyle poked my nose. "You want to know the secret? You just have to close your eyes and believe. Belief can defy the most scientific fact."

I chuckled. "I operate on logic. It’s a bad habit of mine, really, but it can’t be helped. How’ve you been, Kyle?"

"Overworked and tired." He ruffled up my hair and laughed. "I have some good news, though. My uncle decided to move his practice back here."

I hugged him with what little strength I had. "I love you!"

"I know you do." He poked one of my ribs. "You’ve been eating all right? Well, as all right as you can? You’re a little thin there, Doyle. I hate anorexic girls."

I slapped the back of this head and let go of him. "I missed you a lot."

"Really?"

Kyle brought me up to speed on his life. His biggest highlight was his girlfriend, Roberta, who lived around here. He didn’t bother asking much about my life because I had been dormant in the hospital for the past two years. There wasn’t much one could do in a hospital when she’s glue to her bed. Kyle whipped out a tiny box wrapped in shiny silver wrapping paper. He gave it to me and told me to open it. He had this eager expression as he watched me tear off the shiny paper. It was a black jewelry box with the tiny hinges on the back.

"I never liked wrapping paper," I said. "It’s just garbage plus the gift."

Kyle stuck his tongue out at me. "Hey, I went through hell to make that look pretty! Open it. See, there’s a hinge on the back of that box. It helps it move so you can see inside." He tapped the hinge with his forefinger. "I don’t lie about these things. It’s not an engagement ring, either."

"I’m not marriage material?"

"Furthers thing from it." He winked at me. "I can’t hit on you too much because your mother’s eavesdropping on us from outside. If your father won’t shoot me in the head, your mom certainly will. Besides, Roberta would kill me for cheating on her."

"I could have told you that much. I’m dying, Kyle, not getting stupid."

"Just open the damn box, Miss Snooty."

I opened the box to shut him up. It was a pair of earrings that were the gold version of Kyle’s earring. The earrings were so beautiful, I almost cried. I thanked Kyle over and over again as I put them in. They were just a tiny gold ball with a little intricate spiral engraving in them. I hugged Kyle and thanked him a few more times. He kissed my cheek and hugged me back. His lips left an electric tingling sensation that spread from my cheek to the rest of my body.

He massaged my shoulders with his warm, tender hands. "I also got you a puzzle. I know you like your puzzle piece metaphor more than anyone else in the world." Kyle set the plastic bag on a chair in the corner. "How’s the neck massage? Should I become a masseuse or stick with my day job?"

I nodded and wistfully closed my eyes. "Either would work. Go with the masseuse. I can get free massages whenever I want. Oh, Kyle, I’m going to get buried in these earrings. You’ll see in a year." I removed my earrings and put in these new ones. "These are so pretty."

"You’re the most expensive person I’ve ever met. You’re busting my wallet and creating more holes in the ozone layer. We need that ozone layer, just so you know."

I slapped his hand and said, "I told you time and time again. You really don’t have to come out here to see me."

"It’s better than driving, though, so I can’t complain. Besides, even if I hate my parents, that doesn’t mean I hate the rest of the Merridews. And my girlfriend lives here, so I get to visit some family, see my friends, and get laid for the price of a few hundred dollars. I even get to see you in hospital clothes. They make your legs look nicer."

I kicked Kyle’s leg from under the sheets. "Then, why’d you bring it up?"

"There’s something called small talk, Lindsay." Kyle laid down next to me. We cuddled and made ourselves comfortable. "I guess I just can’t wait until I move back. A few more weeks, and I’ll be back to wreak havoc on Newark again. People come and go, but I at least have the decency to come back."

"Because you’re Kyle. You have a tendency not to disappoint people. You gave me the hope I needed to be someone useful, and that’s more than enough. It’s okay if you don’t come back, just as long as you believe in me so I can believe in me. I loved you because of that and only that."

Mom came in just to say she had to leave for work. She was so professional, a true woman in a man’s world capable of bringing home the bread. We said our farewells and heard her heels clack against the floor. The sounds of Mom’s footsteps soon faded, and then came the usual silence. Now, I was a little more content with dying the way things were with my life.

"Oh, did I mention that I’m going to college? I’m going to go for a psychology degree. Who knows? Maybe I’ll even join the FBI." I pushed him off the bed, but Kyle nimbly recovered. He brushed himself off and grinned. "That wasn’t very nice, Lindsay. What was that for?"

I puffed out my cheeks and looked away from him. "You know what, Kyle. You don’t have to be so mean to me."

He chuckled, but the tone of his voice contradicted his countenance. "But I wasn’t joking about that. I’m trying to see how long my motivation for joining the FBI lasts. I’m serious as a heart attack, Lindsay. Of course, I may chicken out and decide to practice with my uncle. It could happen. I’m a sentimental idiot. I like you enough to dream big for you. I’m really setting my sights on your dream. I’ll carry your torch for you."

I laid back down. If this Success thing wasn’t going to kill me, Kyle probably was. I just couldn’t stop myself from liking him so much. His girlfriend was really nice. She was level-headed and not one of those obnoxiously, sluttish girly girls. A year ago, Kyle brought her over for a visit. We got along fine, but I was extremely jealous of her. She was going to outlive me and get Kyle all to herself. Maybe I should have been afraid of that childish logic, but I was trying to change.

The distance and my imminent death put a lot in perspective for me. The crush I had on Kyle wasn’t really love. He was the person I wanted to become--carefree and content with his flaws and strengths. Being with Kyle, though exhausting, filled me with such joy. He smiled over the littlest things and did the littlest things for me. Sometimes, Kyle said he would bust me out of this hospital; it was hard to know if he was serious about it or not. Sure, Kyle was a little naïve. There was no way I was going to live through this. The precedent was against me, but Kyle was at least with me all the way.

"Hey, Lindsay, are you really okay with dying a virgin?"

I glared at him. "If you said what I think you just said…"

"Well, from my experience with the opposite sex, women tend to think about sex more than guys do. I imagine that some women in your position would probably whore it up." Kyle moved his face closer to mine. "I’m not suggesting you’d do anything like that so much as I’m suggesting that I want to be your first kiss at least. If it’s okay by you, that is."

I sighed. "I should think not, mister."

He shrugged and laid back down. "Suit yourself."

Friends and family were all I needed in order to face the end result. Kyle held my hand, which was probably instinct on his part, and kissed it. I felt like a fairytale princess, or something close to that. Four years ago, my heart would have been racing like a horse at the track. But I was completely unaffected by his outlandish, arbitrary question. Kyle fell asleep with me. He probably had a long day. I had a little bit of hope for the rest of this final year. After all, hope can do so much for a single person.

~THE END~