After a few miles, I walked. I didn’t want to go back. Ever. Especially not after that embarrassment. I wondered what they would all tell Mr. Mckell. I wondered if he would even notice that I was absent. I shouldn’t have acted like that or said the things that I did. It guaranteed future harassment to try to achieve the same end. Vannah had wanted to see me run out crying. And when I did, I’m sure nothing could’ve satisfied her more.

I didn’t even do anything. She was the one who played a trick on me. Essentially it was Vannah and Gary’s fault that Allen punched him in the nose. It wasn’t my fault. For some reason, it was though. I was the new girl. And because Allen intervened they would never stop. Every day, I could already picture it. As soon as the teachers turned their backs Vannah and Gary would be at it, trying to hurt me again.

Damn Allen. If he hadn’t intervened then they might’ve left me alone. I didn’t need his protection. Who did he think he was, standing up for me? I was a stranger, what did he care about me for anyways? If he was just using me as an excuse to punch Gary, well I was for sure going to be beyond angry with him. I was not going to be used.

As I walked, I felt a strange sense of loneliness. Neilan used to walk me home every day.

“Hey,” I complained as I staggered back to my feet.

“I caught you,” Neilan said smiling. We stood there face to face for a moment. His red sweatshirt was extremely large on him. He was always taking his older brother’s sweatshirts.

“Well,” I replied, “You shouldn’t have tripped me in the first place!” I punched him in the arm and he laughed.

“Don’t laugh at me,” I whined, “I’ll beat you up.” He laughed even more. He knew I was just fooling. There was no way that I could ever hurt him. He was invincible…almost...

Suddenly, he picked me up, and in surprise I shrieked. He spun me around and ran down the street with me bent over his shoulder. Then after a few minutes, he put me down.

“You’re so heavy, Lily, what’d you eat?”

“Oh, thanks,” I said rolling my eyes. He always made comments like that because he thought I was the skinniest girl in the school. It wasn’t my fault I had a pretty high metabolism. He always joked with me because I had to eat a lot to keep up with it.

“You know I’m just kidding, Lily. I think you’re beautiful,” He said in a mocking voice full of passion as we walked side by side.

“Yeah, right. Why would you think that, again?” I laughed, swaying and bumping into him lightly.

“Because you’re my best friend,” Neilan responded. His voice lacked any hint of a joke. He was being ultimately serious.

I missed him so much. Neilan was always there. I missed walking home with him everyday. He was such great company. I wished he was still here. I wished I hadn’t killed him... I felt tears form in my eyes and I wiped them away quickly. I wished that I had a friend with me. Even though I knew I didn’t deserve one. I had had a best friend and then I killed him. I was a homicidal friend. I shouldn’t be allowed to have another friend. Not after what I did to the first one. But I still wanted one.

Part of me wished that Allen was here. I was still angry with him for intervening. And for asking me about my personal life. But he was just trying to help. He shouldn’t be trying to help, I thought. He should be trying to run away and I should be doing everything in my power to protect him from myself. But I loved his presence. I yearned to be able to see his smile and to hear his voice. He was suicidal trying to be friends with someone like me, but the fact that he didn’t care and kept trying made me feel warm inside. I don’t know why.

Maybe he doesn’t see why he should not be my friend…Maybe it’s finally time to tell him the truth…Maybe it was finally time to let him know about Neilan… No. That was wrong.

How could I have thought that it was ok to tell him? It is my burden, my secret. Allen is risking his life and he should know what for, but I wouldn’t tell him yet. It was my secret. For Neilan and for the friendship that was lost, this was going to be my secret.