“This world will never be what I expected,” my earphones screamed. I could still hear the knock at the door. I kept telling her to go away but did Elizabeth ever listen? No, not sweet old Elizabeth. Part of me was glad of her concern, but most of me was in all in truth angry that she couldn’t understand. I couldn’t just pick up life where I had left off because I moved here. I couldn’t just let Neilan go and leave him alone on the side of the road dying in my memory. Couldn’t she just leave me alone? I had even posted a yellow post-it note on the door that stated plainly that I wouldn’t open the door.

“I will not leave alone, everything that I own, to make you feel like its not too late,” The music thrummed still. I liked it. The music, the drums and guitar, the sound of raging emotions in the singer’s voice; I could relate. It was like the band of my soul. Music did weird things to me. Some songs told me what to do when I needed help, some music offered comfort while at the same time offering to me a place where my soul could scream and cry without anyone hearing. It was a quiet place of mangled faces and screams of torture.

“Baby, we can turn it around because its not too late, its never too late.” Lies. Neilan was dead. Of course it was too late. I could never save him. It is too late. Too late to change what my parents said to me. Too late to change the drive in the car. Too late to…

The sirens roared down the street.

“Neilan,” I whispered, “They’re here, it’s not too late.” There was no response. Instead he choked and vomited red. I was shaking so bad I thought I would wake up any minute from this night mare. Slivers of white bone stuck out of his chest and I held the post in my hands.

“Neilan?” I called to him, I thought he was teasing like he used to. I prayed for him to be just teasing me. His hair flattened out on the dirt and gravel, the road had scratched his face when the car had flipped over and hurled him out the windshield. Oh God, I thought, panicking. I thought I knew fear in the ten seconds before but as I stared into his eyes I realized the impossible.

“Neilan!” I yelled, “Neilan!” I threw the post to the side screaming.

“Neilan, please don’t go. Neilan!” I saw his eyes twitch and I heard the slamming of the doors. The paramedics were running. I felt the pounding of their feet. His eyes searched out for me, pleadingly. I thought he wanted to speak to me. I could tell that he would. I reached for his hand, sticky with the blood. His shirt flapped open in a sudden strong breeze flinging small droplets of crimson across my shirt.

“Neilan,” I said. Strong arms grabbed me from behind and dragged me up and backwards. A paramedic was pulling me from Neilan. But I couldn’t let him. If I didn’t hold his hand, if I didn’t look into his eyes, then he would close his eyes. And maybe never open them again. I fought the arms and dove towards Neilan.

“No,” I screamed, “Neilan!” I slipped as another, an officer wrapped his thick muscled arms about me and confined me about ten feet away. I watched as the paramedics rushed around doing what they did best. A man came out with a stretcher, another brought out a backboard, three red bags, a young man with a scared face. He held the oxygen mask.

“Neilan,” I sobbed, “Neilan…”

I jolted with a start as the door creaked open.

“Lillian? It’s Allen.” I looked up and felt wetness on my face. Damn, that meant he could see the tears that once again I hadn’t noticed. I just stared at him for a moment and nodded. He slipped into my room carefully closing the door behind him. He stuttered and gestured towards my face. I flinched away from him and got up from my desk. I turned and wiped my face, then sat on my bed. He walked towards me, cautiously.

“Lillian, are you all right? Elizabeth says you’ve been up in your room all day sick and that’s why you didn’t go to school today,” Allen pushed his glasses up on his nose. I just looked at him and nodded again. I pushed my hair back behind my ears and stuck out my chin. He tugged an ear bud loose and smiled.

“So, what’re you listening to skipper?”

“It’s a band; Three Days Grace.” I decided the best way to avoid conversation was to answer shortly. After all, it was doubtful that I could make him leave. I figured out that Allen had a stubborn streak. If he was brave enough to come into my room I could give him props. Not too mention, somewhere inside I didn’t want him to leave anyways.

“I know it. Good music, a little um, deep. Very powerful stuff.”

“Yeah, that’s why I like it. Keeps out the real stuff well.” I told him this why?, I asked myself. He sighed and stood there quietly for a while. He grabbed the dangling ear bud and put it into his ear and then sat onto the bed with me. I knew what he wanted. He wanted me to tell him everything. The little prick was asking for it? Didn’t he know I was hiding my secret from him for a reason? I was hiding it for his own good.

But he just sat there and said nothing. Occasionally he bumped his head a little to the music. After about ten minutes of this strange silence, I decided to break it. I couldn’t be around people and not talk. It felt so awkward to have that silence there for so long. It was like he expected me to talk and was just waiting. Or he was waiting to say something to me. The anxiety of not knowing made me speak first.

“You think I have a crush on you?” I asked. I don’t know why I chose this question out of the many but I did and now I couldn’t take it back. I did wonder what he thought when Vannah had made out loud assumptions. He looked at me quizzically and smiled.

“Do you?”

“No.”

“I didn’t think so. Vannah just likes to start things. I like to finish them,” he chuckled at that last part. If he had stood up for me when I had left class yesterday then I was going to yell at him. I didn’t need his help. I didn’t want his help.

“Listen, its kind of you but I can take care of myself. You can’t just-”

“I didn’t do anything to her,” He said interrupting me. Then with a slightly crooked grin continued, “Well, not directly. She’ll just get an entertaining package in the mail.”

“What’d you send her?!” I laughed, in spite of the fact that I was crying just ten minutes ago.

“A disembodied chipmunk.”

I made a face, “You’re kidding. That’s so-”

“My cat left it on my doorstep. I didn’t kill him. Anyways, they’ll leave you alone eventually.”

“Thanks.” I looked away and then something drew me back to look at him.

“Told you I was a good friend,” he said with a huge smile.

“You really are persistent about this.” He said nothing but pulled the ear bud out of his ear and handed it to me. Was he leaving already? He stood up and my heart leaped. Oh please, don’t let him leave. I wanted a friend so badly.

“You really aren’t going to tell me are you? About whatever happened? You won’t tell me.”

“No,” I said, “I won’t. And if I have to to be your friend then you can just leave.” Was I crazy? I didn’t want him to leave? And why didn’t I? What the heck was my head thinking?

“I’ll drop it for now. See you in class.” Then he just left.

The next day I went to school and there on my locker was a sticky note. It read “never too late”.

* * * * *