July Days
:dedicated to everyone who reads these:

The wind rustled through the branches of the tree outside my window, sending a rush of flowery air into my room. My hair shuddered against the breeze, small pieces flying across my face. I sighed, relishing every moment of my last summer before college. I would begin classes at George Mason in August—one month from now—and my stomach twisted at the thought of beginning something new.

My phone vibrated in my pocket, making me start with surprise. I grabbed it, knowing what it would be saying.

It was July 26—Nick’s birthday. I had set an alarm on my phone four months ago, just in case I forgot. I never could have. I sighed again, wondering if he thought of me. Wondering if he’d forgotten about me. I hadn’t talked to him since March, and he had broken up with me in November of 2007. But still, I waited, knowing that we were meant to be. Knowing that he still loved me.

I held down the number 2 on my keypad—I never changed the speed-dials, knowing that someday, we’d end up together—hoping one day we’d end up together.

The phone line rang, and part of me prayed that he wouldn’t answer. My heart beat erratically as the phone slipped in my sweaty grip.

“Hello?”

Shit.

Suddenly I couldn’t think of anything to say.

“Hello??”

“Yeah…ummm…hi, Nick,” I stuttered, “It’s, uh, it’s Cait, umm, Caitlin. Hi.”

“Hi…?” he responded with confusion. “What’s up?”

“Oh, right.” I laughed nervously. “I just want to wish you happy birthday.”

“Umm, thanks.”

“So…how have you been?”

“I’ve been okay…listen, Cait, I gotta go.”

“Okay,” I replied, trying to keep the disappointment from reaching my voice. “I’ll, uh, talk to you later?”

“Sure.”

“’Kay, byes.”

“Bye.”

And the call was over. I started crying, even though I swore to myself that I wouldn’t. The tears wouldn’t stop, burning my eyes with hot pools of emotion. I threw my cell phone across the room and curled up into a ball on the floor.

“Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. What was I fucking thinking?!” I whispered over and over again, burying myself in a fit of desperate hysteria.

I stayed in my room for the rest of the day, refusing dinner and going to bed early so I wouldn’t have to face the world. As I lay in bed, trying to fall asleep, my thoughts took over, questioning my every move.

All the dreams I had, all the gut-feelings I had, all the people who swore he’d come back—was it all just lies? I was so sure. He probably doesn’t even care about me anymore, much less think about me. But how could all of us be wrong?!

A noise woke me from my consuming thoughts. I sat up in my bed, my heart racing.

“What the hell is that?” I said to my empty room.

Then I noticed the blue glow by my dresser, slowly vibrating across my floor. My cell phone.

I jumped out of my bed and fell in the process, landing on my knees in front of my phone. Before even looking at the caller ID I knew who it was—Nick. I hastily opened the phone and brought it to my ear.

“Hello?” I said quickly, almost desperately.

“Cait?”

“Nick?”

“Hi.” His voice was pained, like he had been crying.

“What’s wrong?” I asked, concern painting my words.

“Cait….”

“Nicky—” I hastily corrected myself, afraid that using my affectionate nickname for him would scare him away. “Shit—Nick. I meant Nick.”

“It’s okay…you can call me Nicky…” he said shyly.

“So,” I began, settling myself into a cross-legged position on the floor, “What’s up? Are you okay?”

“I’m sorry for calling so late.”

“It’s okay. I was awake.” I laughed before saying, “I actually had just fallen out of bed.”

He laughed a bit, nervously, timidly.

“Nick, seriously, are you okay?”

“Cait…I need to see you.”

“Now?”

“Please?” He continued, “I can meet you at the park near your house. Can you get there?”

“Yeah…it’s close to midnight so everyone’s asleep. But if I get caught you are a dead man, my friend.”

“Okay. I’ll be there soon.”

“Wait…you aren’t walking there, are you? In the dark? Through the woods?”

“No…I’m riding my bike.”

I sighed.

“Yeah, like that will really dissuade serial killers from kidnapping you and eating your flesh.”

“You are so weird, Cait,” he laughed, loosening up a bit.

“You love it.”

“I’ll be there soon.”

“I’ll be waiting.”

There was an awkward silence as the space that used to be occupied with “I love you”s was left empty. We both wanted to say it, it was so natural, but we both held back, afraid of what the other would say in response.

“Byes…” I ended the phone call and quickly got dressed, making sure I looked less like a zombie and more like a person. My face was pale after all the crying, but other than that, I was at least presentable.

I quietly walked down the stairs, and left through the back door. It took only 15 minutes to get to the park. I sat myself in one of the swings, shivering in the summer breeze, which had cooled in the darkness of the night.

10 minutes later, I saw his bike pull down the walkway into the park. My breathing got faster and my palms started sweating as he walked towards me, his face barely visible in the dim light.

“Hey,” he murmured as his eyes traced up and down my form, finally resting upon my face.

“Hey,” I smiled shyly.

He walked slowly towards me, stopping when his knees met mine. His hand reached out for mine and linked our fingers. I stared down at them stupidly.

“Cait…” he started. “Cait, look at me.”

“Oh, sorry.” I blushed and looked up.

“Cait…just…just listen to what I have to say, ‘kay?” he added in a pleading voice, “please?”

“Of course.” I smiled encouragingly, despite how nervous I felt.

He sighed and looked down at the mulch crunching underneath his feet. He untangled our fingers and rubbed at his face, reddening the skin and accentuating the dark circles under his eyes.

“Cait...” he paused and looked at me, our eyes meeting, mine glowing with innocent concern, his deep with confused emotions. Then, without warning, he bent his head and captured my lips with his. My eyes widened in surprise for a second before they closed and I kissed back, softly, slowly.

He pulled back and looked at me, his eyes shining with tears. I reached out and traced my fingers down his jaw line, still remembering every contour of his body. His eyes closed a bit before he spoke.

“Cait…I couldn’t stop thinking about you. I love you so goddamned much.” His eyes met mine with burning intensity. “Please…give me another chance. I love you so much. I’m in love with you. Fuck, Cait, I’m so in love with you. Please.” His face was contorted with emotions.

My eyes were downcast, conflicting thoughts waging wars in my head. I started crying.

“Cait! What’s wrong?!” he exclaimed.

I rubbed at my eyes and murmured, my voice thick with sorrow, “You are just gonna leave me again!”

His hand violently shot out and pulled my chin up so I faced him.

“What?!” He asked through clenched teeth.

“You are just gonna leave me again!!” My voice rose in hysteria. “Your parents are gonna be unhappy and your friends will tell you to dump me again and you’ll just say okay and be perfectly fine with FUCKING LEAVING ME AGAIN!”

My voice hiccupped into a sob. He withdrew his hand, pain and sadness visible on his face.

“What…?” he asked softly.

“I’m sorry. Oh my God, I’m so sorry. I’m so so sorry, Nicky,” I babbled hysterically.

“You really think that?”

I looked down.

“I’m scared,” I said softly, “I want to spend the rest of my life with you and I want to trust you and I want to be with you but I’m afraid…afraid of you leaving me again, just like you did before…because of your friends or whatever.”

I paused and glanced at him.

“I want to be a part of your family. I don’t want us to be a secret.”

There was silence and I braced myself for heartbreak.

“Okay.”

“What?” My head shot up and my eyes met his.

“Okay.” He shrugged. “I don’t want us to be a secret, either. I love you. My parents can kiss my white ass. And my friends…heh…what friends?”

His eyes darkened with sadness as he said, “I missed you, Cait.”

“I missed you, too.”

I stood up and shuffled into his arms, tightly embracing him until both of us were fighting for air. I buried my face in the side of his neck and breathed in the scent of his warmed-over skin, mixed with sweat and deodorant.

“You promise?” my voice was muffled by his skin.

“Promise what?” he stood back a little from me so he could better hear my response.

“Promise you won’t leave me? That we’ll work through our problems? That we won’t be a secret? That you’ll tell your parents and I’ll tell mine?”

“I promise.”

“You know that you need to prove it, right?” I said, embarrassed.

“I will tell them tomorrow.” He glanced at the clock on his cell phone. “Well, today, actually. I’ll tell them later today. You know, once they are awake.”

“I’d like to talk to them, too, to maybe help set things straight?”

“That’s a good idea.”

He pulled me tighter against his chest.

“I’ve missed holding you so bad.”

I smiled and wrapped my arms around him. His fingers traced circles on my hips where my tight black tank-top had risen to expose my skin. I shivered against his touch and he let out an audible sigh of contentment.

Yet, I was still scared. I didn’t want this to end. Not again. I barely survived last time. I wouldn’t make it out alive if he left me again.

“Will you fight for me?” I whispered.

“Always,” he murmured against the top of my head, his nose buried in my hair, trying to once again memorize my every scent, my every curve.

“Even if your parents get mad? Even if your friends tell you to dump me…?” I said even softer.

He nuzzled against me further.

“How could I ever give you up again? I fucking missed you so much. You are perfect. Fuckin’ perfect, Cait. You know that?”

“Well, maybe just a little,” I joked, nudging him a bit. He laughed and I felt it rumble through his chest and into mine, sending my heart aflutter.

“I missed you.”

“I missed you, too. I was so stupid to give you up.”

“Are you sure you want me?” I felt the tears prick at the corners of my eyes again. I started silently crying, a mix of utter fear and soaring happiness.

He felt the tears soak through his t-shirt, hot wetness against his skin. He tangled his fingers in my hair and pushed the strands back from my face, meeting my eyes.

“How could I not?”

“I’m so scared, Nicky. What if you leave me again? I can’t do that again. I can’t.”

“I won’t leave you. I’d tell my parents right now if they were awake.”

“Can we tell them together?” I asked, afraid that he would back down if I wasn’t there.

“I’ll tell them first. Then you can come over and talk to them.”

“But….”

“Don’t worry. I won’t give in.”

“How’d you know…?”

“I know you. And I know you are scared. Please…trust me this one last time.”

I rubbed at my face in confusion.

“Please?” He was crying, now, too.

“Why should I believe you this time, Nicky?” I asked so quietly it was almost inaudible.

“I don’t know,” he said in frustration, “I am begging you. Please. This one last time. Believe me.”

I looked up at him and his eyes weren’t lying. I knew I had to trust in my dreams, in my intuition, and most of all, in Nick.

I kissed him slowly and whispered against his lips, “Always.”