The Ongoing Adventures of Prince William Robert by: Shandi Gross

Once, there was a prince. His name was William Robert, but his mother, the Queen, affectionately called him Billy Bob. At the ripe old age of 20, while sitting amongst his courtiers, a thought hit him. With a shocked and surprised expression on his face, he looked out from his royal alcove and announced to the people below, “If I am to be king, then I shall have to have a queen, shan’t I? Or at least, a Princess of some sort.”

Up until then, the prince had just sat around the castle, playing with all of his pets and toys, or attending fancy dress balls and masques. He had never really considered the fact that he was an adult, or the fact that one day, he would be the King. Sure, it had passed through his mind every once in a while, mostly when he was just sitting there, staring out the window, but honestly, he had always thought that his father would live forever. Yes, I realize that he is 20 years old, and that by then he should have figured out about mortality. But you must understand that as the prince, he was quite sheltered.

The courtiers surrounding him stopped their groveling, and looked up at the prince. They started applauding his brilliance, and whispering to each other how clever a King he shall be, while thinking to themselves, “Oh Gods, we’re in trouble.”

Assured in his illustrious idea, he took his case up to his Mother and Father. “I must find a Queen to rule beside me. Or at least a Princess. It is the only way for me to be a true King,” he said with a smug look over his own cleverness. The Queen sat back in her throne with a smile on her face. She was imagining the sound of tiny feet pattering around the castle, remembering when her little Billy Bob was young. The King, on the other hand, leaned forward with a horrified look on his face, and asked, “Why would you want to have one of those?” To which the Queen promptly reemerged from her reverie, and smacked the King across the back of the head.

The prince was positive that a Queen was necessary to become King, despite his father’s interjection. Prince William Robert decided that, since he really had nothing better to do around the kingdom until his father died, he would go on a worldwide quest to find his Queen. He also decided, after much research in his father’s romantic novel and fantasy genre library, to start in Scandinavia.

Why, you ask? Well, as anyone who has read any good stories about quests, Kings, Queens, Princes or Princesses knows, every hero goes to a remote European castle, or something along those lines, to find a Queen or Princess. Prince William Robert had been sheltered his whole life, as I mentioned before, and therefore had spent his time reading romantic and fantasy genre type novels. He therefore figured that all the good Queens and Princesses were already taken from those local areas. No one ever went to Scandinavia, so he thought that the country would be crawling with Queens and Princesses all just waiting to be rescued from dragons, or oppressing evil uncles, or fathers forcing them into marriages with smelly old men.

After deciding on a location, he had to be sure that he would be received. So, our Prince went scouting around for his royal scribe. He knew how to read and write, of course, but for some reason, his “p”s and “b”s were always getting confused with each other. His royal scribe had just the opposite problem, so together they could write out a note to the leader of the Scandinavian people. Here is what they wrote, after many drafts, and many arguments over the correct spelling of the word cheese, which was eventually cut from the final draft anyway, so it didn’t really matter: “Dear Sir, I am Prince William Robert Ellen Xavier Marie Gertrude Ozwald Tarquinn Von Zliebfin. I am 20 years old and 6 ft 2½ in tall, and would like to have a Queen or a Princess ready for when my father dies, and I become King. I have decided to start my worldwide search in your country. Would you be so kind as to have all the eligible Queens and Princesses lined up when I arrive? Thank you so much, old chap. P.S. And if it’s at all possible, could you put them youngest to oldest? With none older or taller than me? It’s most annoying to have to deal with a girl who is older and taller than you are. Makes them think that they are smarter than you are. No fun at all. Thanks again, old chap, quite sporting of you.”

Then he signed it with all the flourishes he could think of, and all the royal titles he had such as Prince of This, Duke of That, Earl of The Other Thing, and Count of That One Place.

After looking at a map of Scandinavia, he decided that he would start his search in Denmark, since it was the closest, and he thought that he might like a bit of a rest after all that traveling. Being such an innocent young man, he failed to realize the actual scale of his journey to Denmark, and the fact that he would be traveling there over sea. He also forgot to take into account the fact that he got seasick just taking a bath.

The Prince figured he might as well leave as soon as possible, and got his mother’s help packing his clothes, for she was well known to have wonderful taste, and a good eye.

“Darling, you must take your purple velvet cloak. You wouldn’t believe how cold it can be up there!” the Queen explained.

“Mother, I don’t like that cloak. It’s itchy! I would much rather take my green striped cashmere cloak. I don’t really like purple, anyways.” the prince returned.

“Billy Bob, I swear. That cloak won’t keep you warm! Don’t come crying back to me when you get a chill!” The queen strode out of the room in a huff.

“Mother thinks she knows clothes, but she just doesn’t understand fashion today. Purple velvet cloaks!” he mumbled to himself, “I might as well walk in there in a full suit of armor.” He then packed both cloaks. Just in case.