Smooth Criminals

Mike Maiale

“I know that there is some way out of here”

Cried the man clad only in a cape

“Shut up and pass me yet another beer”

Replied the man whose mask’s made of duct tape

“I can’t afford to get myself caught now

with all the shit that I’ve already done”
“Then stay right here and sit your fat ass down

unless you think you’re safer if you run.

I think you know that I don’t think you are,

Since running only draws the gaze of cops

Who won’t come to the basement of this bar

Which they think is just here for dust and mops.”

the wierdos both finally just emerge

Into a bar like Cheers, where people sit

Not noticing the new presence at all

Too busy struggling to get cigars lit

The two men make their way to the back door

And push the handle which is strangely red

“You hear a siren from the second floor?

If cops are here then we are surely dead!”

“Who used that door?” the bartender then asked

With rage suddenly brewing in his voice

“We did! And now we’re leaving this place fast!

And we are armed weapons of our choice.”

“You, halt right there” a mad policeman roared

He stopped the bandits cold right in their tracks

“You know you used the emergency door?

The fine for false alarms is far from lax!”

“We’re sorry officer, we just messed up

Have mercy on our poor and stupid souls”

“OK, this time I’ll pass the arrest up

And cut your fine to just a minor toll.”

“Well, can we pay you with these stolen goods

for which we think there is a big reward?”

“If I could take that deal I surely would,

But now I know you’re thieves of the worst sort

I must now haul you promptly off to jail,

But first I’ll read you your Miranda rights.”

I’ll bring an end now to this crazy tale

And tell you they were jailed for 40 nights.