Alice in Wonderland: The Tango Malfunction

I sat down on the table closest to the backstage door, pulling on my 3-fingered talon gloves. My scene would come close any minute now. Up on stage, they were finishing up the Mad Tea Party scene. I had to wait for Grace, the Dormouse, to get back to the cast room so I could take her microphone. On opening night, Carly, the girl in charge of microphones, told me to get my mic on before I got into my Gryphon suit. No such luck. By the time my mic would be available, I’d have to be waiting in the wings for my entrance. So there I was, pinned in tight. And I mean “pinned”. Last night’s performance involved my eagle hood falling back behind my head, and I had to pull it back up at least three times during my scene with the Mock Turtle. Thankfully, no one in the audience had commented on that little malfunction, but it was enough to upset the costume designer. She added in extra safety pins, making sure the hood wouldn’t slip down. And it was tight. I tried bobbing my head up and down in a birdlike fashion to make sure it was secure. If it were any more secure, I’d have trouble breathing. I looked over at Kelly, my dancing partner. She was stuffing a plastic rose up her large green sleeves, making sure the end of the stem stuck out enough for me to grasp and pull out at the end of the scene. I looked her up and down, still wondering how it was physically possible for her to dance in that huge Mock Turtle suit. I shrugged it off. At least her costume didn’t disagree with her when the dancing took off.

I looked up as the stage door opened. The Mad Tea Party actors jogged down the stairs quietly, relieved looks on their faces, most likely from a successful scene. That was our cue to move on up to the wings. Kelly pushed through the door, and I followed, turning myself to the left and walking sideways so my outstretched wings wouldn’t bump into the doorframe. I was getting a bit tired of that. Kelly and I walked slowly up the narrow passageway backstage. Kelly’s large turtle shell was in front of me, so I had to rely on her direction to see where I was going. She stopped abruptly, and I heard her say “Ew.” In a disgusted voice. I stood on my toes and peered over her shell curiously. Thankfully, Kelly stepped forward and out of the narrow passageway so that I could have a clear path to my entrance. What I saw before me made me wince. Julie, Kelly’s little sister, was backed up against a wall, holding a bloody tissue to her nose. She kept her head tilted so as not to get blood on her playing card costume. I knew her part. She was playing one of the wickets in the croquet scene with the Queen of Hearts. I heard Claire, the Queen, singing “Off With Your Head” onstage, and I shook my head. Poor Julie had to miss her scene because of that nasty-looking nosebleed.

“Okay, Karina, let’s get you mic’d” Carly said, popping up in front of me with a microphone in her hands. I stood to attention.

“Sorry that I’m already pinned in and stuff.” I said sheepishly.

“We’ll work around it.” Carly said with a shrug. She handed me the small, boxlike microphone transmitter pack. “Clip this to your shorts.”

“I’ll try.” I said, stuffing the pack down the front of my costume. Since my costume was a one-piece felt jumpsuit, I had to guide the pack from outside. I felt for it over my costume, then led the rectangular device down to my waist, pushing against the felt. I felt for the elastic of my shorts and did my best to push the side with the clip into it. I patted it, hoping that it would hold. Carly clipped the small receiver onto the base of my hood, the soft foam ball covering poking my chin.

“All set?” she asked. I nodded.

“Yeah. Thanks.” I said, then went off to my side entrance while Carly fastened a mic on Kelly. I stood there, my back to the wall, as the croquet scene filed in from the stage. One by one, each character smiled at me and told me to break a leg. Geez, why the heck was that a good thing? Apparently it was… but I didn’t get it. Claire stopped at the curtains which hid the backstage from the audience, and I fell onto my hands and knees, crouched down low behind her. I sat there, staring at her red and black skirts. The second that dress began to swoosh forward, I’d have to follow quickly to make my entrance. I looked up at Monica, the stage manager for this side of the wings.

“Hey, can you keep the curtains up so my wings won’t get caught?” I whispered up to her. She nodded and placed her hand on the curtains, ready to pull them up for me and Claire. The Queen’s cue played. Claire strutted forward, assuming her character, and I wriggled behind her, stopping behind the righthand platform. As I crawled, I felt the microphone pack loosening itself from my shorts. I reached down and pushed it back, cursing silently at my lack of grip due to the felt. It was hard enough pushing it back when I couldn’t grab hold of it. I still had to keep my head ducked so that the audience wouldn’t see me until I hopped up on the platform. I didn’t have much time. The music played again, which was my cue to assume the position on the platform. Gritting my teeth, I pushed myself up and hopped onto the platform, then assumed a sleeping position. There was nothing I could do about my microphone pack at the moment; I was in clear view of the audience. I shook my head inwardly. This couldn’t go well. I acted on as if nothing were wrong.
”Up, lazy thing!” I heard Claire shout in her Queen voice. Immediately, I popped up, squawking. I winced. I felt the pack come completely free. It took so much of my willpower to keep up the act. I knew I couldn’t stop the show for my microphone… as much as I desperately wanted to. When Claire made her exit, I began my lines, standing up gradually and stretching as if I had come out of a long nap. I felt myself break out into a cold sweat; the pack was sliding down my leg. I walked down the platform in a hunched over position, bringing my knees together to keep the pack from sliding down further. I couldn’t keep up that type of walk. My audience that day was mostly young children, and I knew what idea they would get if they saw the gryphon walking around like he had to pee. I stole a glance at Lucy, who played Alice. She looked at me in staged interest, then her gaze dropped to my legs, and for a second, I thought I saw genuine panic. Yup, it was bad. I alternated walking with my legs apart and my knees together, trying to incorporate the odd walk into my character. It seemed to do the trick. Finally, it was Kelly’s cue to make her entrance. She walked in, stretching her neck like a turtle, singing “Beautiful Soup”. I took this opportunity to crouch down and try to do something with my microphone pack. I only had a limited amount of time before Kelly ended her Mock Turtle song and the focus turned back to me. By this time, the pack had completely fallen, and was hanging from my suit leg by a thin wire. I knew it was out of the question to reel it back in; That would require me reaching into the front of my costume, and I knew the kids wouldn’t want to see that. I tried clipping the microphone to the edge of the pant leg. It didn’t work. I bunched up the fabric and tried again. Still no good. I rolled up the fabric around it, tucking it in. Within a few seconds, it rolled back out. I started panicking. And Kelly was done singing! I had to assume the character again and begin the dialogue sequence. Throughout the sequence, I retained my character as if nothing was going wrong. The last thing I wanted to do was to cause a scene because I was experiencing a costume malfunction. I was supposed to be crouched down on the ground with my legs tucked behind me. Since it would have been out of character to shift into that position so quickly, I stayed in my fiddling-with-microphone-pack position, hoping the audience wouldn’t think much of it.

Then came the part I was dreading: the Tango. The accompanist struck up the music, and Kelly reached down. I had no choice. I took her hand and let her lead me downstage. I didn’t have to look down to know that my microphone pack was now dragging on the floor behind me. I plastered on a huge smile to cover it.

“My microphone…” I hissed through gritted teeth as Kelly and I assumed tango position. I don’t think she heard me… and I certainly hope the microphone didn’t pick it up. We began dancing. Back, two… Front, two… Back, two, three, four, close… With each step, I heard the grating sound of the pack dragging and bumping alongside my foot. I looked down to the audience. The first row was filled with young girls… and all of them were staring at my foot. I grimaced. There was a break in the dancing where I had to dance around Kelly in a circle. I stayed in one place this time around, improvising. Kelly gave me a confused look. I nodded to my foot. I don’t think she understood, because she kept dancing as if nothing had happened. The dance continued that way until Lucy joined in. We formed a 3-way tango, with me and Kelly dancing in normal tango position, and Lucy latching onto my wings, dancing behind me. I looked to Kelly, who was staring wide-eyed at my foot. Finally she got the message.

“Take away your old fandango…” Lucy and I started singing, stepping in time with the music. In the back of my mind, I prayed fervently that no one would step on the pack. The girls in the front row were still staring at my foot, and some of them began giggling. I felt like hiding in a corner. It felt like an eternity before the end of the dance number. I pulled the rose from Kelly’s sleeve and stepped up to the edge of the stage, then stuck the final pose. Applause.

Gina, the White Rabbit, hopped in, crying out “The trial’s beginning!” That was our cue to exit. Kelly and I stumbled off to the wings in our old, decrepit limps. The microphone pack still dragged behind me. Once backstage, and certain that my microphone had been turned off from the booth, I began cursing.

“They were staring at my damn foot!” I hissed as Carly rushed to my side, retrieving the microphone and checking it for damage. Maggie, the Mad Hatter, stood by the curtains, staring at me sympathetically.

“Karina, it’s fine. You’ll be fine. It wasn’t your fault.” She said. Then, she gave me one last reassuring look and strutted through the curtains, assuming her Mad Hatter character. All I could do was stare at her. Ever since opening night, Maggie had been nothing but curt and biting. Now, there she was, being nice to me. It only made me feel worse about my situation. If this made Maggie act nice towards me, then it must have been bad. I fell onto Kelly’s shell, moaning in humiliation. Kelly put a green arm around me, careful not to bend my wings.

“Oh my God…” I hissed, knocking my feathered hood against her shell. I didn’t want to smudge my makeup on her costume, so I kept my face down. That had to be the worst onstage experience I had ever experienced.

I don’t know how long I stayed in that position. Almost too soon, Kelly pushed me upright and guided me to the other side of the wings. The finale was drawing near, and we had to be ready to file in. Soon, the wicketts from the trial scene pushed through the curtains. Julie looked miserable.

“Hey, Julie,” Kelly, said softly, prodding her sister. “Don’t worry about the nosebleed thing. We messed up too.” I looked up at Kelly. We? I was thankful that she didn’t pile all the blame on me, but all the same, it wasn’t her fault.

“Places, everyone.” Sarah, the stage manager of the other side of the wings told us. She arranged ourselves into position. After a short wait, we began filing out. I took a deep breath. Time for me to make my final bow… I was just happy I didn’t have a microphone. Without another thought, I stepped through the curtains.

---

“Karina!” someone cried out in the audience. The show was well over, and the cast was mingling with the crowds, signing autographs and saying hello to friends and family. I looked up to see Kathryn, our choreographer, running up to me. She had a goofy grin on her face, and she was excitedly gesturing to her foot. “I saw that!”

“Oh geez.” I grumbled, blushing. “Sorry, Kathryn, I…”

“That was amazing!” Kathryn said, overjoyed. “And, wow, that rose at the end, that was awesome! I had no idea you were going to do that! And you danced as if nothing was wrong!”

“I did?” I asked, raising an eyebrow. Hello? I was improvising the entire time to keep from killing the show, probably at the expense of killing my microphone! I made a mental note to see Carly about getting a new one.

“Oh, I saw the look on your face when you were doing the tango! You were like AAAH!!!” Kathryn imitated my look of panic, shaking her hands in the air. I grimaced. Yikes. “But you pulled it off! That must have been so terrifying, but you did it! And people loved it!” I just stared at Kathryn, wide-eyed.

“Really?” I managed to squeak out. Immediately, I felt my heartbeat slow down. I couldn’t help but smile. “Wow, I thought it was a disaster.”

“Oh God, No!” Kathryn exclaimed, her bright smile almost blinding. “You were terrific!”

“Um… thanks.” I said, laughing slightly. So it wasn’t that bad after all. Earlier, the director pulled me aside and told me in hushed tones that the tango was Kathryn’s favorite scene. I didn’t really accept that until that moment. Kathryn wiggled her fingers at me and spun around, prancing off in the opposite direction. I bit my lip to keep from laughing out loud. This was a professional performer and choreographer who’s been in several theater productions. She acted more like a middle schooler. Not that I had a problem with that. It was hard to measure my relief. The only thing that would’ve made this moment perfect was to know that my microphone was undamaged.

…and it was.