"We will destroy you. Our plan includes duct tape- it can fix everything, you know- and a rubber duck named Joe."

"What now?"

"What, you don't believe us?" You gave me a grin I could only describe as diabolical, picking up a roll of the stupid metallic tape and tossing it up and down like you had nothing better to do.

"And how?"

"What do you care? You're dying anyway."

"Wouldn't you like to know how you're going to die?"

"Why, would you?"

Cue brief pause.

"Oh."

"Yeah. Would you mind telling me now?"

"Already did. Duck and duct tape."

"Really. And how did you get a giant rubber duck named Joe?"

"...Internet."

"Riiiight."

"You'd be surprised what you can find on eBay."

"Sure."

"What, don't believe me?"

"Kinda sorta."

"Funny how you don't believe the person who will end your life."

"Funny how the person who's trying to end my life chooses to do so with a freaking rubber duck."

"Giant rubber duck."

"Whatever."

There was another brief pause.

"Wanna see it?"

"See what?"

"The giant duck."

"The one that's gonna kill me?"

"Yep."

"What do I have to lose?"

"Besides you life?"

"...Shut up."

"Fine." You ran over to a giant curtain and put one hand on the velvety fabric. "Ladies and gentle- er, I mean girl AKA-person-who's-going-to-die, may I introduce you to the awesomest evil plot ever... Operation: Joe!"

You pulled on the curtain... and it didn't budge.

"Crap."

"Did quite think your evil plan through, did you?"

"Shut up and wait a second." You pulled again on the curtain- once, twice, three times. Third time was the charm: the curtain fell, but you were the only thing in the way of the curtain and the ground. Dang gravity.

"Aaaah!"

I debated on the decision to help you or not. Finally I called out. "...You okay?:"

"Nnnngh!" Was the curtain-constricted reply.

"I'll take that as a yes."

"Nnngh!"

I looked up at the thing the curtain had been pulled off of and couldn't help but stand in awe for a couple seconds.

A plastic, yellow rubber duck. It was the kind you sing to in the bathtub. The kind with freaky big black eyes, evil grin, and wings kept flat against its body.

Yeah. That kind of rubber duck. But this one was around 20-25 feet tall.

I will never doubt eBay's potential again.

You were still struggling underneath that giant curtain as I ran over to the duck's right side.

You were on its left, struggling, mumbling, and probably saying a few choice words by now.

With a creepy barbaric battle cry, I rammed into the duck with all my strength. I did it again. And again.

The duck grinned stilll as it tipped over on one side... and fell with the loudest "squeak" I have ever heard. As loud as a bomb.

SQUEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAKKKKKKKKKK.

With a thousand more exclamation points behind it.

And you were trapped underneath it.

Talk about a freak accident. Squished by a giant duck.

...Squiiiiiishy.