one a.m., shaken awake

(no one else seeshearsknows her)

lifeless eyes blinking dully open

stare into her face

that g o d d a m n b e a u t i f u l face

presses a cold finger to my mouth, pleading for silence

(as if i dare say a word)

crawl out from my not-comforting sheets

take her hand

the beautiful one leads me through hallways

ghostlike, as if we never existed

the kitchen glows in fluorescent light

trepidation takes hold of me

cold tile underneath my bare feet

heart numb

thank god she knows what to do

chocolate cake on a plate

and she takes out a knife

(the knife is only slightly less tempting than the cake)

cuts me a slice

(first time i’ve ever been jealous of a cake)

onetwothreefourfivesixseveneightnineten

the cake is gone, and frosting stains my face

her icy hand in mine again

gives me goosebumps

takes me to the bathroom, with more white tile and fluorescent light

now this is my forte pleasure passion

bent over the toilet

three fingers down the throat

(it only used to take one, but my gag reflex got stronger

i don’t even cough and make noise like I used to)

onetwothreefour and its already up

quick and painless as ever

put the seat down, not wanting to see (my shame)

glare at myself in the mirror

(and her of course, she’s always there)

pinchpokeprod at my stomach and thighs

big as ever

did i expect anything less

well, less than two minutes ago at least

green (like my t-shirt) with envy of her beside me

i can count her ribs

she’s all dead white skin

stretched taut over jutting hipbones i would die to have

(notanexaggeration)

other than that vital difference

we look so toomuch alike

slips her arms like sticks around my waist

rests her angular chin on my (fat) shoulder

kisses my ear with tenderness

whispers

you’re one step closer and wasn’t that nice?