It Started With a Kiss

by: GirlquinndreameR

It was an innocent act, really. She was showing him to the door after his late visit and was giving him her goodbyes. Before she knew it, when she gave him the final hug of the night, she sprang on her toes and kissed his cheek.

It was completely innocent.

Kayla and Ryan had known each other for years. She was first introduced to him by her then boyfriend, back in high school. They had their casual talks and get togethers, but it was clear to her that there was something special about Ryan. And when her boyfriend launched himself in the arms of another girl, Kayla found herself emptying aspirin pills down her throat as a result of the news. But for whatever reason, she reached out to Ryan and he managed to help her find her feet. He made her realize that this was no way to live her life.

To Kayla, Ryan was her saving grace. A true gift, a true friend to her. He was even there when she finally ended it with her boyfriend, his childhood friend. “Just because you guys broke up doesn’t mean we stop being friends, okay?” he insisted.

She cried silent tears that night, thanking her lucky stars that such a person existed her life.

It had been six years since they met, and their friendship had turned into something far more than she ever anticipated. However, they both lived different lives. She was primarily a student, whose worries were exclusively on school. He was a young man balancing work, school and other responsibilities. They wouldn’t see each other for months on end and would solely rely on cell phones… when he remembered to pay his bills.

But when they saw each other, it was some of the fondest times for Kayla. Sitting on the couch, watching TV or movies, eating out at a local Chinese restaurant… There were times when Kayla found herself laughing so much, she couldn’t stop. And it was all due to him. Ryan affected her in some sort of way, whether it was with cheesy jokes (“Do you have scotch tape? Because I’m ripped!” as he proceeded to flex his arms) or corny pick-up lines (“May I see the tag on your back? Just what I thought: ‘Made in Heaven’.”).

But it went farther than that.

He knew her favorite ice cream was cookie dough. Ryan would always buy a tub for her when it was her time of the month. She told him once that ice cream helped her dull cramps.

He knew she was really just a kid in a young adult’s body. One summer, every Saturday morning, he would pull her out of bed for a pre-sunrise walk. By the time the sun was bright and shining, their trail would end at the local park, where he let her swing on the playground until she got tired and wanted to head home.

He also knew that when she told him to take the scenic route to her house, that was Kayla-speak for “I’m cleaning right now. Don’t come over yet.”

“Stop cleaning right now!” Ryan insists every time. “How long have we known each other? You don’t have to clean for me!”

Ryan knew Kayla. In that rare, deep friendship way Kayla let him. Very few people had the opportunity. And in fact, Kayla knew one solid fact: she needed Ryan in her life. Her friend, her jokester, her coach, her saving grace… life without Ryan did not sound pleasing at all.

That was why she grew nervous the days after his last visit. She knew that kiss meant nothing but a friendly gesture. She was not trying to cross any lines. No, no… it was an unwritten rule to not pursue your friend, even if you have established a comfort level unlike any other. And especially when he is the friend of your ex-boyfriend. You just do not do that. Besdies, if anything, Ryan was like her brother…

She found herself banging her head on her desk. Why did she kiss him? She never did anything like that before. There was no way in God’s green earth that she harbored secret, untapped feelings for him. There was absolutely no way.

Kayla hated when it felt like her heart and her brain did not agree on things.

She could not concentrate on her homework, so she thought… a lot… for days, in fact. She would find hersef lying in bed, trwirling her hair around her finger, thinking the eternal quest of why she kissed him. It was not supposed to be such a big deal but when he was not answering her calls or text messages, paranoia turned it into a thought to be worried over. Was he… avoiding her?

She got her answer a few days later. It was a full two weeks after their last meetng. Kayla sat at her desk, bent over a chemistry book when her cell phone rang. She checked the caller ID, took a deep breath and answered. “Hello?”

“Hi,” Ryan greeted. “How are you?”
“Okay,” she decided not to elaborate.

“Are you home? Can I see you?”

“Yeah,” her heart jumped. “Right now is good.”

“Alright, I’m heading over. Don’t clean,” he hung up quickly.

Kayla put her phone down and proceeded to throw away the junk on her coffee table, along with re-stacking her Vanity Fair magazines. Within five minutes of the call, he arrived and she put on her best smile. Ryan slipped off his white sneakers and glanced at her living room. “I told you not to clean,” he smirked at her. “It’s just me.”

“Oh, shut up. It shows you’re important,” she smiled as she closed the door and sat on the couch. She decided to sit far from him this time around; usually, she would sit right beside him and lean on his shoulder or sling her leg over his knees. With all her paranoia, she began to censor herself. “So, how are you?”

“Good,” he smiled. “I just saw my nephew. He’s great. Running around all over the place! But he hasn’t said words yet.”

“So?”

“Don’t babies talk before they walk?”

“Not necessarily,” Kayla informed. “I was a walker before I became a talker.”

“Oh, okay. I thought he was in trouble,” Ryan leaned forward, his elbows to his knees, eyes staring off to the opposite wall.

Kayla could hear the gears in his head moving.

“Alright,” he broke the silence. “I didn’t come here to talk about Daniel.”

“Okay…”

“I needed to talk to you,” he pivoted more towards her.

Kayla could feel her heart beating erratically. “Because you missed me?” she smiled coyly, hiding her real thoughts.

“Well, yeah, but I mean… Um…” For whatever reason, he could not find the right words. “I’ve been meaning to ask you for a week… I’m going to just say it.”

“Sure--.”

“Were you… hitting on me? The last time we saw each other?”

That caught Kayla by surprise. She tried her best to mask her jittering nerves. “Tactless, aren’t we?”

He laughed but immediately wiped the grin off his face. “Hey, I’m being serious.”

“And so am I,” Kayla chimed. “You always did lack finesse.”

“Let’s stay on subject, okay? Were you?”

A part of Kayla did entertain the idea of telling him everything that crossed her mind these past days. But if she didn, would her friendship sink faster than the Titanic? Years of work could fall down the drain and become a pile of dust and bittersweet memories. ‘Fear’ was the right word, Kayla thought. Then again, this was Ryan; what was there to be afraid of? “Why did you think that?”

“You were more physical than usual. Tugging at my shirt, linking arms… kissing my cheek… stuff like that,” Ryan proceeded to pull at the tassels on the throw pillow beside him.

“If it seemed like I was, I didn’t mean it,” Kayla brought her knees to her chin. “It was just natural to me.”

“I guess we’re just comfortable like that. I wonder why,” he asked rhetorically as he leaned his head on his hand, cradling his chin. “Yeah. Why are you so comfortable?”

Kayla felt as if she stepped over a threshold. It was a now or never moment. “Probably because it’s so easy to fall for you,” she admitted softly.

Judging by his reaction, he did not expect that. He stared at her wide-eyed, as if he was not sure he heard things correctly. “What?”

“Do you know how easy it is to fall in love with you? It’s easier than… tying your shoelaces,” she compared. “You’re everything I want in a guy and you’re my best friend.”

Ryan’s mouth was open but no sound came out. He resembled a fish out of needed water. He was breathing, which was a good sign, Kayla mused.

Something washed over Kayla that moment. It was a thick, foggy wave surrounding her senses; everything dimmed and she could not control whatever her voice said out loud. “But as easy as it is, there are a few things that hold me back… three, in fact.

“First is how we met. Given different circumstances, if I didn’t date Kent, I may have never met you. If I met you in college, I would like you right away. Then again, we could have been two different people.”

“Yeah… also, kinda like that unwritten rule…”

She nodded. “Second is because I’m not your type. I’m not pretty or funny--.”

“Don’t put yourself down,” he immediately responded. This made her pause for a moment as he continued to gently scold her. “Your state of mind on the inside affects you on the outside as well. What you said isn’t true at all.”

Kayla furrowed her brows. “I remember you telling me that a girl’s face gets your attention first. Nice eyes, smile, hair, whatever. But if she’s not exactly pretty, being funny makes up for it. I’m not pretty, average at best, and the only funny thing about me is that I’m probably funny looking.”

“Tsk,” Ryan frowned, shaking his head. “What did I say about that?”

“I’m not your type,” she reiterated.

“Why do you think that? How do you know?”

A strange flicker lit in her chest, but she immediately snuffed it out. “Because I do,” she responded quickly. “I am 100 positibe ideas of being with me have never crossed your mind. I’ve seen how you act when you like a girl: if she’s present, you’re goofy, clumsy, stuttering… shen she’s not around, you’re all smiles and you just glow.

“That’s the third reason. Whether I had a boyfriend or not, it doesn’t matter; I could never fall for you… and that’s why. Because after all these years, I don’t make you act like that. The way you act when you’ve fallen for a girl. And that is the predominant reason why I can’t… won’t fall in love with you. Because you never once entertained the notion… You’ve never thought of me like that when I’ve thought of you that way…” Kayla did not realize her eyes were filling with tears until drops fell onto her hands, also staining her lap. She drew her knees to her chest and bent forward, crying onto her legs. No sobs, no wails, just silent sorrow.

“Hey, hey,” Ryan placed a hand on her head, causing her to look up. He offered the sleeve of his sweater, silently telling her to utilize it to care for her tars.

“I’m gonna mess up your sweater,” she muttered.

“Who cares,” he said, cradling his hand at the nape of her neck, pulling her forward. He used his sleeve-covered hand to wipe her cheeks dry. “Don’t cry, alright?”

“Why not?”

“Why are you crying?”

“Why not?” Kayla repeated. “I took our friendship and hit puree!” she pulled away from him and looked down at her folded hands. It was at that moment when realization hit her. Everything she said felt like a deep, dark, ugly, taboo secret. Her insides felt empty, unaware of the results her proclamations may result in.

“Hey,” Ryan kept his hand on her head. “Look at me.”

“No,” she muttered. “I’m shy,” she excused.

A gentle smile sparked on Ryan’s mouth. “What did I tell you about us?”

“That you should turn gay so you can be my greatest shopping buddy? You know, a guy’s and girl’s opinion all in one?”

“That’s what you said. I said that we’ll be friends no matter what happens,” Ryan reminded. “You still want to be friends, right?”

At this, Kayla let out a weak laugh. She leaned forward, resting her head on his shoulder. Automatically, Ryan’s hand landed on her shoulder. Even after everything she said… any other guy would have run away. But not Ryan, not her Ryan. He understood what she was trying to say. She was not trying to make a declaration of love. She was letting herself be honest with him because that was what she needed. He always did look out for her. “I love you, Ryan. Just not in that way.”

His exhale sounded like a breath and a chuckle. “Right back at you.”

...fin

Dedicated to all: I hope you may find your own Ryan some day.