Prologue

“He looks like his daddy.”

Kate James studied the picture that sat on her desk in the front of her classroom. It was of her husband and their five-year-old son playing with the football in the back yard, both dark-haired and both with the same James family good-looks. “He does, doesn’t he?”

Karen, the new aide assigned to Kate, smiled. “I imagine it won’t be long before all the girls are chasing after him. He’s in kindergarten, isn’t he?”

Kate nodded. “Yes, Mrs. Adams had him. His first day today. Josh went to work late this morning so he could drive Jeremy to school. He wanted to take the day off so he could pick him up, too, but our neighbor, Linda has a son his age in Jeremy’s class. And Josh has a meeting he can’t miss.”

“That’s sweet. I hope I’m as lucky when I finally get married.”

Kate laughed. Karen, a year older than Kate’s twenty-seven, was still gleefully single. Kate was about to retort when the door to the classroom opened and a flood of third-graders filled her room after afternoon recess. Karen and Kate stood in front of the class and waited for them to get seated and settled. Karen gave her a wink and Kate grinned.

“All right, class. Pull out your spelling lists from Wednesday. I want you to copy each word five times, then use each word in a sentence.”

A girl raised her arm.

“Yes, Amber?”

“Can I use the pencil sharpener, please?”

“You may.”

Kate watched as the little girl bounced up. She and Josh had talked about having another baby and she knew he wanted a daughter, but as much as he’d been out of town for work, they hadn’t done much more than talk. Jeremy would probably love having a little sister he could look out for. Maybe she’d have to talk to both her boys tonight, when she got home, though the talk she planned to have with Josh would involve far less talk and much more action. Kate felt her cheeks warm and laughed at herself.

The phone on her desk rang and Kate jumped. She stepped over to pick it up, then hesitated, her hand hovering over the receiver. At last, she snatched it.

“This is Mrs. James,” she said.

“Kate, your neighbor called,” the secretary said. “Jeremy’s been taken to the hospital. You need to get down there.”

“No no no,” she chanted. “Has Josh been called?”

“I don’t know. Go, Kate. Karen can sub for you.”

Kate hung up the phone and turned to Karen, whose eyes widened.

“What’s wrong?”

“Jeremy’s been taken to the hospital. I have to go.”

She raced out to her car without explaining what had happened to her students and drove to the hospital, weaving in and out of the light afternoon traffic. Her mind raced through possibilities. Jeremy had swallowed something or he’d had an allergic reaction to something they didn’t know he was allergic to. He’d fallen out of a tree and broken his arm. He’d been bitten by the dog that lived between their house and their neighbor friend’s, where Jeremy often stayed when she and Josh couldn’t be home to watch him. The dog wasn’t a nice dog, she thought. That had to be it. Or maybe he’d fallen down the stairs.

At last she pulled into the parking lot of the hospital. She looked around for Josh’s car or their neighbor’s but she couldn’t seem to find either. Then she heard someone call her name. She saw Josh striding across the lot toward her from his black Ford pick-up.

“Kate!” he called again.

“Josh! What happened?”

Josh reached her and hugged her. “He was hit by a car in front of Linda’s house.”

“Oh, god, no. Is he going to be all right?”

“I don’t know. Linda called as soon as she got here, so I don’t think anyone knows anything yet.”

They walked into the emergency room waiting area, where they found Linda sitting with her eight-year-old daughter Lisa and six year old son Aaron. There were red tear tracks down all their faces. Linda stood and threw her arms around Kate’s neck.

“Aaron and Jeremy… they were playing in the front yard with the basket ball with Lisa and…. I just looked away for a moment! And I heard screeching tires. I looked up and Jeremy was just lying there! Oh, god! The driver got out and she was… she was…. I’m so sorry!”

“It’s okay, Linda,” Josh said. “It’s not your fault.”

“But… but he was so….”

Kate pinched her eyes closed. Jeremy would be okay. He’d fallen out of tree once and barely gotten more than a scratch. When he got cuts or scrapes or bruises, he barely complained. He’d be fine. A broken bone or two, maybe a few cuts and bruises that would heal before they knew it. Josh went over to the receptionists’ desk to tell them they had arrived. The woman told them to sit, that a doctor or a nurse would be out shortly to talk with them. Kate took a seat beside Linda and Josh sat beside her. She rested her head on his shoulder, finding comfort and strength as she always did in his quiet steadiness. He smoothed his hand over her hair and she closed her eyes.

“Why don’t you take Lisa and Aaron home?” Josh said to Linda. “They’ve seen enough today.”

“Are you sure you don’t want me to stay?”

Josh nodded. “We’ll be okay. I’m sure Jeremy will be fine, too.”

“I hope so. Call me and let me know. And if there’s anything I can do….”

“Thank you, Linda. We’ll call. Go home and rest.”

Linda took her children and left. Kate watched her go, wishing she knew something. When would someone tell them what was going on with Jeremy? It seemed like hours before a nurse finally came. Kate studied the man’s face and found it carefully composed. Too carefully, she thought. Dread settled in her stomach, heavy with foreboding. Just get it out, she thought. Tell us how bad it is, but tell us he’ll be fine.

The nurse complied with her silent request. “I’m sorry, Mr. and Mrs. James, I really am, but there was nothing we could do. Jeremy’s injuries were too severe. The bleeding in his brain alone would have killed him, but he also had a punctured lung and severe abdominal hemorrhaging.”

Kate froze. Suddenly, everything around her became so sharply clear that it hurt. The hard glare of the fluorescent lights pained her eyes and even the soft beige and green on the walls that was supposed to soothe seemed harsh and unforgiving. The nurse’s words hurt like no pain she’d ever felt––far worse than the pangs of labor. And the coldness in Josh’s eyes cut her to the soul. She’d never seen that look in his eyes; limitless anguish and anger and confusion all melded into twin lakes of golden brown. His dark eyes, which lightened when he was sad, had never been so pale, so mournfully golden.

“We tried everything we could, but––”

“What do you mean?” Kate demanded. “He can’t be dead. My little boy can’t be dead.”

“I’m sorry, Mrs. James, but we couldn’t save him.”

She felt Josh’s arm slide around her shoulders, but she shook him off and stepped away, glaring between the nurse and her husband. “No. He’s not dead. I won’t believe it.”

“Why don’t I take you in now?” the nurse asked.

Josh nodded and took Kate’s hand. She let him lead her to their son. Kate couldn’t bring herself to look for a moment, until she heard the door snick closed behind them. When she opened her eyes, at first she wasn’t sure what she was looking at. The body on the hospital bed didn’t look at all like Jeremy. The numerous cuts and bruises distorted the child’s innocent face and Kate raised a hand to her mouth. This wasn’t Jeremy. It couldn’t be.

“Why are you doing this to me? This isn’t my son!”

“Please, Mrs. James––”

“No!”

“Kate, sweetheart, it’s Jeremy,” Josh said, his trembling voice barely a whisper. “It’s our son.”

“No!” But she saw it. She knew it in her heart.

She felt her knees collapse, but she didn’t hit the floor. Josh caught her and lifted her into his arms. She wrapped herself around him, grabbed fistfuls of his shoulder-length, dark hair––her son’s dark hair––and sobbed into his shoulder. Emotions swirled like currents of a river swollen with spring run-off, pulling her down. She felt like she was drowning in her own tears, burning alive in the rage of her anger and lost in confusion. Jeremy couldn’t be dead. He couldn’t. Poor sweet, little Jeremy. He was too young.

“I need to get my wife home,” Josh said. His voice rumbled beneath her ear and the sound both comforted her and infuriated her. “I’m sure everything possible was done for Jeremy. I’ll be back in a while to make arrangements.”

“No!” Kate screamed as Josh carried her out of the waiting room.

SCENE BREAK

Jeremy’s memorial service was simple, just a small gathering of family and close friends. Kate stood beside Josh, but apart from him, silent tears sliding warmly down her face in the cool September afternoon. Her mother stood behind them, sniffing as Jeremy’s tiny coffin was lowered into the grave. An ancient lilac bush stood above the little headstone. The cemetery's caretakers had already dead-headed it, so the branches were bare of any reminder of the spring’s riotous blooms. Kate’s eyes drifted back to the tiny lamb that rested atop the headstone, its head nestled on its folded legs. There were others like it around her, too many others.

The service sped by in a haze and later, sitting at the kitchen table with her mother, Kate could barely recall throwing a handful of dirt into the grave. She sipped at the steaming cup of Earl Grey tea Josh had brought her, glancing at her husband. He leaned against the sink with a cup of coffee in his hand, staring out the window. Her eyes burned again with tears at the sight of his dark hair and his handsome face. Jeremy looked so much like him, she thought. Then she corrected herself. Jeremy had looked so much like him. Her son was dead, but she could still see him every time she looked at his father and it killed her.

“Josh, can you leave us alone for a bit?” she asked.

He winced at the bitterness in her voice, then glanced at her. For a moment, they stared at each other, and the sadness in his brown eyes hurt her. At last, he turned and walked out of the kitchen. Kate sighed with relief.

“Pushing him away won’t bring Jeremy back, Kate,” her mother said.

“I know that, mother. But I can’t look at him. Every time I see him, I see Jeremy. I can’t stand it.”

“This is no easier for Josh than it is for you, darling. He lost a child, too.” Her mother reached across the table and patted her on the hand. “The only thing you can do is move on. The road you both must walk is far easier if you walk it together. Don’t let this destroy your love, honey. Mourn Jeremy, but move on. I’m not asking you to forget him, I would never do that, but your life is not over. There will be other children for the two of you.”

Kate shook her head. “No, mother, I don’t think there will be.”

“But, honey, you said you and Josh have been talking about having another baby.”

“We were.”

“And not now?”

“No, mother. I can’t stay with Josh. I can’t spend the rest of my life looking at him and seeing my dead son.”

“Oh, sweetheart. You don’t mean that. In a little while, you’ll realize that you don’t.”

When her mother glanced over her shoulder at Josh, Kate wanted to hurl her cup at her and scream. It wouldn’t do anyone any good, so she swallowed her anger. Her mother had always adored Josh and Kate wondered how her mother would look at her when she broke the news that she had already filed for divorce. Josh must have felt her glare on his back because he turned his head to look at her and she saw again her dead son. Kate’s mug shattered against the backsplash behind the kitchen sink.