Chapter One

“Jeremy Leland James. Leland? Sort of an unusual name for around here, isn’t it?”

Josh looked up at Rachel from where he squatted in front of Jeremy’s grave. She stared at the headstone with a thoughtful frown. He glanced back at it, followed the chiseled letters that formed his son’s name. There were tiny lavender-colored flowers in some of them, fallen from the huge, ancient lilac above the five-year-old grave. It had been there for years, guarding Jeremy and the other children who rested nearby like a patient grandmother. The lilac was covered in blossoms and the air was spiced with its softly sweet fragrance.

“Josh?”

“Kate wanted him to be a Junior, but I disagreed. We settled on giving him my middle name and my initials.”

“Oh,” Rachel said. “You never told me your middle name was Leland.”

He fingered the ring box in his pocket and sighed. The day was overcast and it seemed as if Jeremy and the rest of the world was telling him not to ask Rachel to marry him. But it had been five years since he and Kate had signed the divorce papers, five and a half since Jeremy’s death. Wasn’t that long enough? Shouldn’t he be able to get on with his life? Why should he have to waste away, bound to a love and a child that were lost to him?

“Let’s go,” Josh said, standing.

As he started toward the parking lot, he heard Rachel murmur, “Happy birthday, Jeremy.”

He hadn’t thought he could still cry about the loss of his son after so long, but his eyes burned. He lengthened his strides and headed straight for his truck. After he helped Rachel into the passenger side, he walked around to the driver’s side and braced his hands above the door. He glanced back toward his son’s grave and stared at the lilac bush with its bloom-heavy branches. Jeremy would have been ten today, he thought. Would have been. Jeremy was gone and Kate had divorced him. It was time he moved on.

SCENE BREAK

The start of the summer tourist season was well underway, Josh thought, glancing at the California liscence plate on the van beside his truck.

“Look, honey. Jon and Amanda are here.”

Josh had already spotted his friends’ silver Toyota Camry, but indulged Rachel with a smile. He’d also seen a car he’d rather not have. Kate was here, too. The old dread settled firmly in the pit of his stomach as he offered his arm to Rachel. The restaurant was busy tonight, he noted, praying for a peaceful meal. He raked a hand through his hair, reminding himself to get a hair cut. The mane of dark waves lapped just below his shoulders now and though he liked it, some of his clients probably thought it unprofessional. He knew why he hadn’t cut it yet and why he’d let it grow out again. Rachel had seen a picture of him from before his divorce and said she liked his hair long. She thought it made him look dashing, like some hero from an adventure movie. Kate had liked it long, too, with slim side burns, a thin mustache and just a hint of a beard along his jaw. Just like he looked right now. He wondered if he hadn’t sensed he’d see her tonight when he’d decided not to shave.

Rachel stiffened as they entered the restaurant and it didn’t take Josh long to figure out why. Jon and Amanda sat in one of the booths beside the door and Kate and her boyfriend sat with them. Josh walked forward to the hostess, pointedly ignoring his friends and ex-wife.

“Good evening, Mr. James.”

“Good evening, Melissa. I should have a reservation for two.”

“You do. It’ll be just a few moments, Mr. James.”

“Joshua James, you scoundrel,” said a laughing female voice. “You said you were going to call us when you got into town.”

Josh turned to find Amanda walking toward him with open arms. He embraced her, smiling. “Yeah, I’m sorry. I just got back this morning.”

His friend playfully swatted him on the butt. “You still should have called.”

“Yes, ma’am. Jon, when are you going get a leash on your woman? If she keeps smacking me on the ass, one of these days I’m going to have to return the favor and then you’d have to take me out and whomp on me for dishonoring your wife. It’s not a good chain of events.”

“Well, you know how much she loves it when you grow your hair out,” Jon remarked. “Which is a strange thing, because every time I let mine get a little long, she comes after me with a pair of scissors.”

“That’s because you look goofy with long hair. Doesn’t he, Kate? Now, Josh, he looks downright delicious.”

Amanda’s subtle hint was not lost on anyone present, except perhaps Kate’s boyfriend, who frowned with irritation. Josh took a deep breath to calm his racing heart. Neither the sexual nor the emotional attraction that had first drawn him to Kate years ago had dimmed in the least. One glance at her was still enough to kick-start his pulse. Rachel was a beautiful woman, a tall and slender model for a local Western-wear retailer with a crown of honey-colored hair and warmly intelligent amber eyes, and many a man had looked at her on Josh’s arm with envy, but she didn’t have the same effect on him Kate did. His ex-wife may have been four inches shorter and less showy, but she was every bit as beautiful in his eyes. She always would be.

“You look good, Kate,” Josh said quietly.

“So do you, Josh,” Kate replied. “Good to see you again, Rachel.”

Rachel’s smile was forced and Josh knew she’d heard the catch in Kate’s voice, too. She looked as though she was about to say something, but Kate’s boyfriend interrupted. He stuck his hand out to Josh and grinned. Josh hesitated, then shook it.

“It’s good to finally meet Kate’s favorite brother,” he said. “I’m Steven Hodge, Kate’s boyfriend.”

Brother? Josh wondered. He stared at the man, trying to comprehend his conclusion. Steven Hodge was nothing special. He was just two inches taller than Kate’s five-five, and the fitted blue t-shirt and tight jeans he wore revealed a thin-boned frame with the slender muscles of a man who couldn’t seem to bulk up no matter how hard he tried. He had short, imaculately-groomed dark hair and pale green eyes that blinked at Josh over sleek rectangular reading glasses. There was an arrogance about him that made Josh’s skin crawl with irritation. He was reminded of a small, annoying dog that thought it was much tougher than it was. Steven Hodge was just like every other man Kate had dated since their divorce – opposite of Josh in appearance and disposition. And opposite of Jeremy. Josh’s chest constricted.

“No, no, Steven, honey,” Amanda said before anyone else could recover. “Kate’s brothers are Jake and Kevin.”

“Then who is this?”

“Josh. Her ex-husband.”

“James party, your table is ready,” the hostess called.

Josh and Kate stepped forward and the realization struck Josh like a falling chunk of concrete.

“I can see why Steven would think I was your brother,” he remarked.

“This… this is Kate’s ex-husband?” Steven stammered. He looked Josh up and down, almost as if weighing his chances of winning a fight – or winning Kate, if it came down to that. Josh rolled his eyes.

“You kept his name?” Steven asked, his voice becoming ever more high-pitched. “Oh, my God. You kept his name.”

Josh didn’t know what to say to Kate. All this time he’d been under the same impression as Steven. “You kept my name,” he said, echoing Steven’s disbelief.

“I kept my son’s name,” Kate snarled.

“Our son’s name,” Josh snapped. “My name. Don’t you ever forget that Jeremy was my son, too.”

“Oh, no…” Rachel groaned and sat back down in the booth.

“You son of a bitch! How dare you accuse me of that! I know who the father of my son is!”

“Do you, Kate? Do you really? As I recall, you kicked me out because you couldn’t stand the sight of me and because you were the only one who felt the pain of Jeremy’s death.” Josh took a deep breath and realized he was shaking. “I lost a son, too, Kate. Then I lost you.”

“I hate you, Josh. I hate you.”

“So I know. You used to love me, but you seem to have forgotten that.”

“You asshole.”

“What? You’re denying that you forgot about me?”

“Yes! I will never forget you, Josh! I can’t.”

“Coulda fooled me, Kate. We can’t even eat at the same restaurant anymore without fighting.”

Tears streamed from Kate’s gray-blue eyes and it broke Josh’s heart. He wanted to wrap his arms around her and hold her until they stopped, but it wasn’t his place anymore. Every time they fought, it was always the same and each time it killed him a little more. He sat heavily on the booth beside Rachel, so numbed by Kate’s hatred that he barely felt Rachel tug her fingers through his hair. Propping his elbows on his knees and resting his forehead on his knitted hands, he stared blindly at the floor.

“I can’t do this anymore, Kate,” he murmured. “I’m done. I’m tired of fighting.”

“Good, because she doesn’t need your animosity.”

Josh lifted his head and stared at Steven Hodge. “Excuse me?”

“You heard me.”

“When you’ve been around for longer than a minute and you know a little more about what happened, maybe you can say something like that to me. Until then, it’d be wise to keep your mouth shut.”

“Are you threatening me?”

“Josh, don’t,” Rachel pleaded.

“I won’t. I don’t need to. I’m not the one who didn’t even know that the woman he’s dating kept her ex-husband’s name.”

Josh pushed to his feet, scowled at Kate’s newest boyfriend and offered Rachel a hand. “Thank you, Kate, again, for such a wonderfully ruined night. Your talent for destruction never ceases to amaze me.”

Josh and Rachel left before Kate could say anything in rebuttal. They’d almost made it to his truck before Amanda’s voice reached them. He continued walking.

“Josh! Damn you, Josh, stop!”

He obeyed, though he didn’t turn around. “What do you want, Amanda?”

“I want you to talk to me.”

“Why?” he asked, at last turning to face her. “Five years, Amanda. You never told me she kept my name. Why don’t you just kick me in the gut right here and now? It’d feel better.”

“I’m sorry, Josh. I am. It just… didn’t seem important.”

“It isn’t, really. But it hurts, just the same.” He let his head roll back and exhaled. “Will it never end with her? Every time I turn around, it’s something else. She’s the one who told me to move on.”

“I’ll wait in the truck,” Rachel interupted. “Can I have the keys?”

Josh absently gave them to her. He waited until the truck door slammed before he took the ringbox from his pocket and opened it for Amanda to see. His friend inhaled sharply. “I’m moving on, Amanda. I can’t take it anymore. I am so sick of fighting with Kate, hoping she’ll get over herself someday. And Rachel is a good woman.”

“Do you love her?” Amanda asked bluntly. “Because if you don’t, it’s not fair to her. Or to you.”

He didn’t love her like he still loved Kate, but at this point, he was willing to settle for a beautiful woman he did love with the parts of his heart Kate’s bitterness had freed. He wasn’t getting any younger and he wasn’t going to waste anymore of his life waiting for something that would never come back to him. Kate may have decided that she wouldn’t have another child, but he was damned if he was going to let Jeremy’s death rob him of any chance at fatherhood. Rachel wanted kids and she would be a good mother. What more could he ask for after what he’d been through?

“Yes, Amanda, I love her.”

“There’s a ‘but’ in your voice, Joshua.”

“She’s not Kate. No one will ever be what Kate was to me, Amanda, but I’m thirty-four. I don’t want to be an old man when the children I might yet have graduate from high school. Why can’t you accept that?”

“Because Kate still loves you.”

“She’s the one who wanted the divorce, not me.”

“She was hurting, Josh. She still is.”

“So am I, Amanda. I keep wondering, if maybe I’d fought harder for us… But she wanted this. I couldn’t fight for us when she refused to work with me.”

It hit him suddenly and with the force of a tidal wave. He throat constricted and silent sobs racked his body. Unable to stand, he perched on the bumper of Amanda’s car. His fingers curled convulsively through his hair as the weight of Jeremy’s death and the divorce and his desire to move on crashed down on him. Amanda stood quietly beside him, rubbing her hand across his shoulders and let him cry. By the time the agony began to subside, his sides and stomach ached and his head was pounding.

“You need a vacation, Josh. When was the last time you went somewhere just to relax?”

He shrugged.

“I know of a perfect place. Do you remember what I told you about the Ramshorn Hotsprings and Lodge in Northstar, over there by Devyn?”

“Yeah, you and Jon stayed there for your anniversary last year.”

“Well, we were having some problems and we went there and just concentrated on us… and you know what? We’ve been closer since then than we were for the last seven years.”

Josh looked up. “You never told me you were having problems.”

“It’s not important anymore. Besides, that’s not the point. I think you should go up there. It’s inexpensive – not that you need to worry about that, since you don’t spend any of the money you earn – and let me tell you, Josh. There’s something special about that valley.”

“I’ll think about it.”

“Don’t just think about it, Josh. I know you. Just do it.”

Josh smiled half-heartedly at her and made an excuse about needing to get back to Rachel. His legs felt leaden as he walked to his truck. Maybe she was right. A vacation in a secluded valley might do him some good, give him some peace and time to figure through his emotions. He could go for a couple weeks or a couple of months and come back, prepared to marry Rachel and be the kind of husband she deserved.

“Josh,” Rachel said when he slid into the truck. “I think we need to talk.”

Oh, great, he thought. Her eyes were red and the remnants of tear tracks streaked her shapely cheeks. “Yes, we probably do.”

“I don’t know if this is going to work.”

“It’ll work, Rachel. I just need some time––”

“I’ve given you time and space. It’s been two years now, Josh, that we’ve been together. And you seem to be getting worse, not better.”

He turned the ring box around in his heart, staring blindly at it, then handed it to her. She didn’t open it. “I was going to ask you to marry me tonight.”

“I appreciate it, Josh, and I do love you, but I don’t want to start a life with you without knowing that your heart belongs to me. And right now, I know it doesn’t. Take some time and decide what you want. If it’s me, I’ll be here. If not, then I’ll know this wasn’t meant to be. I’d rather know now than find out later when the damage would be worse.”

“You’re a good woman, Rachel,” he murmured. “You deserve to be happy.”

“And you’re a good man, Josh. I don’t know too many men who would wait as long as you have for Kate. Especially the way she treats you. You deserve happiness, too, and I’m not sure if you’ll find it with me. Not until you resolve whatever issues you still have with her.”

There didn’t seem to be anything else to say, so Josh turned the key in the ignition and drove out of the parking lot. He offered to buy Rachel dinner elsewhere, but she said, no thanks, it would be best if he just took her home. As he drove away from her house, he marveled at how thoroughly Kate had ruined his night. He had the wild urge to go back to the restaurant and tell her.

Five years! his mind yelled. Five years and she’s still doing this to me.

Instead of heading straight back to his house, he obeyed his impulse. When he pulled into a parking spot one down from Amanda and Jon’s car, he sat in his truck for a moment, wondering at how foolish he was acting. But Kate made him do foolish things, she always had. He wouldn’t go in. There was no point in ruining the other guests’ meals.

After several deep, steadying breaths, Josh got out of his truck and walked around the bed to lean on the tailgate. Maybe, if they took a long time to leave, common sense would override his impulse and he’d drive off without making an ass of himself. Then again, maybe it was best that he get what he needed to say off his chest and be done with it. With his arms folded across his chest and standing with his legs casually crossed at the ankles, he was certain he looked more at ease then he felt.

They were laughing when they came out just fifteen minutes after he’d arrived. Josh clenched his jaw and waited for them to spot him. That little weasel Steven Hodge had his arm possessively around Kate’s slender waist, glancing around at any thing that moved as if waiting for someone to challenge him for Kate. What a pathetic little man. No more pathetic than letting Kate jerk you around.

Amanda spotted him first and stopped in her tracks. Jon turned to look at her, then followed the direction of her gaze and took a step back when his eyes landed on Josh. Maybe he didn’t look so casual after all. Then Kate saw him and the color drained from her face. She may have been laughing, but it wasn’t in her eyes. For a fleeting moment, the memory of her sparkling, smiling eyes made Josh want to smile, but then Steven caught on to what everyone else had already noticed.

“You,” he blurted. “What are you doing back here?”

“Where’s Rachel?” Amanda asked, glaring at Steven in a way to tell him to shut up.

“I took her home.”

“What do you want, Josh?” Kate asked wearily.

“A life,” he replied. His tone was harsher than he’d intended and Kate winced.

“Then get one,” Steven retorted.

Josh ignored him. “Either take me back or let me go, but I’m through with your little game of tug-of-war.”

“What are you talking about?” Kate inquired.

“I’ve tried my best to stay out of your life. I’ve held my tongue when all I wanted to do was tell you how much it hurt to see you with someone else.” Josh paused, daring Steven to say any. “I’ve done the best that I can to give you what you wanted. The least you could do is let me move on.”

“Let you move on? What the hell is this all about?” she demanded.

“Rachel told me that I have unresolved issues with you that she can’t live with. Congratulations, Kate. You chased her off. I hope you’re happy.”

“Why would that make me happy?”

There was a note in her voice that sounded like glee, but it was so slight that Steven remained oblivious. Josh doubted she was even aware of it herself. Amanda and Jon had caught it, he could tell from their lifted brows. Something in the back of his mind told him to stop before matters got worse, but he couldn’t.

“You seem to have this desire to make my life miserable. I was willing to do whatever was necessary to help you, to wallow in grief, if that’s what you wanted. Then you brought me the divorce papers. I lost my son and my wife in the same year, Kate. After what you did to me, why should I care if you want to hold so tight to that pain? Stop trying to drag me back down with you!”

“Stop it, Josh,” Amanda pleaded. “Please. This won’t solve anything.”

“Stay out of this, Amanda.” She put her hands up and backed away a few steps. He turned his attention back to Kate. “I was going to marry Rachel and start a new family and attempt to live a normal life.”

That did it. The truth of Kate’s jealousy manifested itself in a hard slap across his face. Perhaps the sting should have given him some sense of satisfaction that he was right Kate was still trying to hold on to him. Instead, it just made him feel worse. None of this should be happening. He should be sitting on the couch watching TV with Kate curled up on his lap, laughing as Jeremy taught his little brother or sister the importance of knowing how to properly tickle someone. The contrast between what should have been and what was made him ill.

“You selfish, jealous little bitch,” he snarled. “Get over yourself.”

He saw Steven swing from the corner of his eye and side-stepped. Before he could stop himself, his fist landed against Steven’s cheek and the man hit the pavement. He stared down at Kate’s semi-conscious boyfriend, his entire body shaking. The rush of raw emotions urged him to fight to relieve the tension and he barely contained the need to beat Steven into a bloody pulp.

“Damn you, Josh!” Kate screamed, kneeling beside Steven.

Lucidity returned to Steven and he shook himself away from her.

“I’m so sorry, honey,” Kate murmured.

“Go to hell,” he said to Josh, staggering to his feet. “And take all your messed up accusations with you.”

“Don’t do it, Steven,” Kate warned. “He’s twice your size and at least that much stronger.”

“If you want to fight for a woman’s honor,” Josh drawled, “I’d suggest finding one who has some.”

Steven charged him clumsily and Josh stepped aside again. The man was so comical that the bloodlust in Josh ebbed. It wouldn’t be a fair fight and his argument wasn’t with Steven Hodge, even if the idiot provided the perfect target for his anger. He heard quiet sobs and looked to see Kate crying. The fight left him completely, leaving a hollow ache. Why did it seem like all he did anymore was hurt her? He should have just gone home. He should have known that confronting her would only wound them both.

“Damn it, Katie,” he said softly. “I’m sorry. That was uncalled for. But do you honestly expect me to set my life and my happiness aside just in case you ever decide you have a use for me? Look at you. You can’t even deny that that’s exactly what you’re doing.”

“Please don’t call me Katie,” she whispered. “It hurts too much.”

“Oh, for God’s sake. Maybe there’s a reason why you kept his name,” Steven muttered.

“I kept my son’s name,” Kate retorted. Her voice was quiet, like she didn’t fully believe it.

“Whatever. I’m going to call a cab. I’ve had enough.”

“No, Steven…. You don’t have to go.”

“I’ll go,” Josh offered. “Don’t let me ruin the rest of your night.”

He didn’t wait around to find out of Steven stayed or not. Walking into the restaurant, he headed straight for the bar and ordered a shot of Jack Daniels. He’d never been much for drinking and had certainly never believed in drowning his sorrows, but he needed something to dull the edge of his emotions. He hesitated a moment before tipping his head back and swallowing the whiskey.

“Drinking’s not your style.”

Josh glanced to his right to see Jon slide onto a bar stool.

“Right now, I’ll try anything,” he replied. He swallowed a second shot. “I might need a ride home, Jon. Can you pick me up in an hour?”

“No, I’ll take you home right now. Amanda’s already gone home, so I need a ride anyhow. C’mon, Josh.”

“Leave me the hell alone.”

“Sorry, man. I can’t do that. Amanda would skin me.”

“At least you have a wife to skin you.”