I sat on a bathroom counter, kitchen knife that I’d snatched placed carefully next to me, and pen in hand. I grabbed the blank journal that I’d brought with me to…wherever the hell this place was…off the CD player that was beside me. I flipped the small booklet open to the first clean page and though my hand was trembling slightly, I started to write.

“Dear Mama and Papa,

I’m sorry, I really am. Don’t take it personally, ever. But…eh, well…not much to say that‘ll make everything alright.

Though, what I do want to say…Mama, try seeing what’s happening to my sister through her eyes…‘cause the same sort of thing is happening to my friend and her brother, except she’s the one that gets picked on incessantly by her parents. So…just try.

Also, Daddy…I know you’ve tried to fix it, but maybe if I say it here it’ll sink in. Not everyone is a robot! You need to stop trying to make everyone you know see the world like you do. Some people don’t like engineering, deal with it. Some people don’t like math, deal with it. Some people aren’t always optimistic, deal with it! Some people get upset over little things, they can’t help it! Do you think they WANT to be crying all over the place? I doubt it. The way you treat everyone when they say or do these things…it makes them feel like you think you’re better than them, that you‘re trying to fix them because you think they’re broken…or sick, or something.

Can you guys do me a favor though? Can you give the other envelope here, to my wonderfully obnoxious, red-headed friend…? Without reading it…?

With almost all my love…

Your youngest daughter.”

I tore the letter out and folded it up, setting it on the counter on the opposite side of the sink from me. So it was a bit long…oh well. They’d deal with it. I mean, I’d been trying to tell them these things for so long, and now I wasn’t ever going to get another chance. So, I might as well say it here, since there were no risks. I wouldn’t be around for them to yell at anymore.

Now, on to the hardest part. Gods…I didn’t want to do this to her, there’s no way I’d ever want to hurt her like this…but I couldn’t help it. I couldn’t take it anymore…

“I’m so sorry…

First, I wanna say: don’t take this the wrong way. This has nothing in the world to do with you. If it did, I’d still be here, and I’d probably have done something I couldn’t get myself out of, been begging you to be here. But, things don’t always work out the way we want them to.

So, here it goes…

I’m sorry. Gods I am. I don’t, didn’t, and never will WANT to hurt you. I know I did though. I know when you read this and my parents tell you where it came from, I’ll have broken you so bad…

This is the worst thing I could have ever done to you, and I don’t even know why I’m doing it. I could have just talked to someone. I could have asked for help…but then again…I couldn’t. It’s not as if anyone would help me. No one believes me when I say there’s something wrong…trust me, I’ve tried. So, I’m giving up. There’s no purpose to sticking around, except to keep you happy…and I never really was sure how long that would keep me alive.

I know I told you I’d never do this…I know I promised…well…guess I lied. I can’t really do anything about it except apologize as many times as fit logically in this letter. And I really am so god damn sorry…you really never should have gotten yourself mixed up with me…but, there was nothing we could do, and now nothing can be changed…

Don’t blame yourself, please don’t. Don’t beat yourself up over this…

Also, well…now you might be able to get that image out of your head. Because, see here’s the thing…

You always said you couldn’t get the image of me cold on the floor, dead or bleeding to death, out of your head, right? Well, neither could I. I couldn’t erase the image, though it wasn’t bugging me the same way it was bugging you. No, to me…it was taunting me. It was there all the time, telling me, “oh look, this is what you could be! Why don’t you just do this? It’d make your life, or lack there of, soooo much easier! And! It’s a bonus for those in your tiny group of friends, and your family who want you gone!!”

I know it sounds crazy, and I probably am…but I’ll still always be yours. No one I’ve ever known has loved me the way you did, and really…I love you. I love you so, so much. I didn’t even say that to my family in their letter, but I’m saying it to you. I really…if I had a choice…if I could choose between doing this, and being with you. I’d choose to be with you. I would so rather sit there and cry. I’d rather have you hold me and tell me it’s okay.

But, it’s too late now. I don’t even know where I am while I’m doing this. I wish you were here…but you’re not…

Last few things I can say to you…I’m so goddamn sorry…I love you more than anyone in the world…and…goodbye.

With all my love…"

I tore this letter out and folded it up more carefully, refusing to set it down. I held it so tightly, I crushed it. Oh well…it’d still be readable. I doubted my parents would give it to her without reading it anyways, but I might as well try. I still did trust them a tiny bit, even if this was their fault.

Sighing, I picked up the knife off the counter. Chewing my lip, I stared at the knife in a slightly confused daze.. I’d never seen this knife before, which was odd. Really…where was I?

Oh well, didn’t matter anymore. I reached over, off the counter, and locked the door, making myself jump slightly at the click. Picking the knife back up again, I looked down and stared at the scars on the backs of my wrists. All those years of cutting so carefully, so I wouldn’t kill myself. Always making sure none of them would go too deep, or over any veins. Always for her…

But, as much as it hurt me to hurt her, I couldn’t do this anymore. She had a life, she should be able to love someone who didn’t require twenty-four hour attention. Or, a twenty-four hour suicide watch, would be more accurate a description.. She didn’t need someone so needy clinging to her all the time. She didn’t need to pain of hearing about the goddamn cutting I did. So, really…I was doing this for her. Maybe her and one of our other friends, could get together. They had all worried so much about my cutting, this might let them have someone to really love them. At least two of them that I knew of, had always loved me, so with me gone…

Pressing the blade of the knife to the unscarred, pale, underside of my wrist, I dragged it across, watching the tears I didn’t even realize I’d been crying, mix with the blood just starting to ooze its way out of the cut.

I watched the blood for another moment, biting my lip, before switching the knife into my other hand. Now I slit open my other wrist, still making sure the cut was right over the vein. I knew these would kill me eventually…but I wanted it faster. I wanted the darkness to kill all this pain as fast as I could get it. So, I cut more. Marks all up my arms, on my palms, backs of my wrists. I wanted to die. I wanted it over. And I wanted all that now. I didn’t want to have to wait. I wanted my blood to stain the floor so badly that no one would ever forget the girl who’d killed herself here.

My vision started to blur, and I suddenly got immensely weak. Not able to hold myself up any longer, I slumped over, falling off of the counter. There was a splash type noise and a dull thud when I hit the floor. I winced a tiny bit, but it didn’t really matter. I closed my eyes, waiting for my heart to slow and stop. Though, they didn’t stay closed for long.

I heard voices; three of them. I didn’t really recognize two of them, but the third was…shit.

I tried to sit up, but I could only manage to open my eyes slightly since every time I moved, my head felt like it would explode and my vision fuzzed even more. There was nothing I could do when the door was kicked in, and my sister, her girlfriend and…much to my displeasure, my girlfriend, walked in. I could just barely tell that all of their eyes were widening at the sight of me.

She turned and glared at my siblings, yelling at them to leave before slamming the door in their faces and dropping down beside me, disregarding the blood she was drenching herself in. “Why, god damnit?! You promised me!”

I flinched (as much as was possible), biting my lip and closing my eyes tightly as more tears spilled over. I spoke as loudly as I could manage, trying to stop my voice from cracking. “I’m sorry…I can’t take it…six years I’ve held up for you…” I panted slightly, trying to get enough air to finish talking. “I can’t do it anymore…I wanted…I wanted to just call you…to have you come here…but I couldn’t…I love you too damn much…and I didn’t want you to see this. Though, apparently I don’t get a choice…” I sighed, coughing slightly.

Opening my eyes again, I looked back up at her and through my tears, saw that she was crying too. I knew I was going to hurt her, but I didn’t want her to see it. She reached over, wrapping her arms around my waist she carefully pulled me up onto her lap and sat me up slightly, pulling me tight against her chest.

Over the years, she’d managed to get a lot taller than me, but I’d never minded. That just meant that she did what she liked with me, and I’d never objected to that before anyways. But now, I was wishing she were smaller. Then she wouldn’t be able to make me feel so bad. Wouldn’t make me feel like I’d done something wrong…just by holding me.

Now she was doing what I’d wanted her to do before. She’d buried her face in the side of my neck and was crying helplessly. More helplessly then I’d ever seen or heard her act. She kept saying over and over, that it would all be okay. That I was going to be okay and we would keep living the way we always had. She was holding me so tightly, as if that would stop my blood from draining away my life. We both knew that would never work. Just like we both knew it wasn’t really going to be okay.

I tapped her arm lightly, for lack of the ability to do so any harder, and she looked up. Her face was tear streaked and her expression broken. “Find someone else…” I muttered, placing the letter into her hand. “Don’t get…stuck on me. I love you more than anyone in the world. I never stopped, and I want you to understand that. There’s nothing that could make me stop loving you.” I half smiled, remembering a quote from one of my all time favorite movies. ““Death cannot stop true love…all it can do is delay it for a while.” One of my favorite quotes. You want to know why?”

She nodded slightly, biting her lip and dropping her head back down to my shoulder, kissing my neck lightly as she listened.

I closed my eyes, continuing quietly, knowing I wouldn’t be able to talk for much longer, but wanting to say everything I could. “Because I always knew that I would kill myself…and I always wanted you to know that that wouldn’t stop me from loving you. No matter where I end up, afterlife or no afterlife, you’ll still be the only person I ever think about. The only person I’ll ever be upset that I hurt. The only person who matters to me…and I hope you know that…”

She nodded slightly, biting her lip and putting her hand under my chin, tipping my face up so that I could see hers better. “I love you. I may not have said it so many times over the years, but I love you and I always have. I’m not really sure I’ll be able to find someone else, but I promise I’ll never forget you. I’ll always be yours, and there’s nothing that could ever change that. I’ll always regret that this is my fault…and I’m so, so sorry.”

I shook my head as much as I could manage. “It’s n-”

“It is.” She interrupted me. “I wasn’t able to help you like I said I would, and I’m always going to regret losing you. I love you so much…” She choked on her own words, shaking her head as more tears streaked her cheeks.

My breath started to come shorter and I coughed, trying to get more air so as to prolong the talk I was having with her. I didn’t want this to end. I wanted her to hold me like this forever and never let me go. But…my vision started to go black and I tried not to gasp for air. I didn’t want to scare her. Though, I wouldn’t be able to tell, I could only see out of a very small portion of my vision.

I could just barely hear her sobbing and begging me not to leave her, and gods did it hurt. I didn’t want to leave her like this, but I didn’t have a choice any longer. My vision blacked out entirely and I coughed one more time before the whole world went black and didn’t light back up again. Ever.

The only thing I regretted was that my last sight in this world, was of my girlfriend’s broken face, lighting up with horror as she realized what was happening. That the last thing I felt, was her shaking me, trying to get me to stay awake. That the last thing I heard was the sound of ambulance sirens closing in on our house, and doors slamming. That the last thing I remember was her tears on my face, and my world going black just before her lips touched mine…