Chapter 10: Grieving

"Holly," Thomas's concerned voice broke the silence. His warm hand was placed firmly in mine. "Are you sure you want to do this?"

We were walking down the street towards the bus stop.

"You know I have to. I have to. I faced Jack, I can face this."

"You haven't got to do this. In two years, you've never been here. I can't believe you are comparing this to facing Jack though."

I ignored the last part of his sentence. "I've had time. I can do this."

"You don't have to. Don't force yourself to."

We climbed on the bus in silence. I could feel Thomas' mood radiating of him. He was concerned, caring and worried. He didn't need to be.

We got off the bus and I stared in front of me, not wanting to move.

"I understand." A quiet voice said from just next to me.

"No, Thomas. I have to do this." I walked on forward, slower than before.

We walked into the silence, passing crying families as we walked. I stopped in front of the plainest part of this place.

I sat down in front of it, unaware of Thomas' presence behind me. I needed him there, but I didn't want him to see this.

I started to talk. "Hey, Dad. I'm sorry I haven't been here yet. I kept meaning to, but I never find the time." I looked at my hands as I continued to talk to my dad's grave. "Ok, I lie. I've been so scared, Dad. I couldn't come here. I didn't want to believe you were gone. I needed you there, I've needed you so much, and it's unfair. I've needed you to dry my tears, tell me everything will be ok, and call me your Holbear. It's hurt so much to think about you, Dad. I couldn't think about your face or your voice. It killed me inside believing you weren't coming back." I took a breath and kept my voice as even as humanely possible. "Ben talks about you, Dad. We all miss you so much. I know Mum does. I miss you and I love you so much. I never told you enough, I know and I regret it every day. I regret all the bad things I've ever told you. I regret all the pain I caused you. I wish I could see your beaming smile now and know that you forgive me." My voice cracked as the tears began to fall. I felt Thomas' hand on my shoulder. It gave me the strength to carry on.

"Jack is sorry, Dad. I know it's not enough for what he did, but he is sorry. So sorry he got 20 years, Dad. He handed himself over in court, pleaded guilty and everything. I can't forgive him, Dad. I can see you looking at me, wishing I could. You were always so kind and so open to everyone but Dad, it doesn't matter that it's Jack. Thomas can't forgive him and he's Jack's twin. I can't be expected to either. I wish I could. I wish on all the stars I could, but I wish I could see you too. Two impossibilities there."

I stopped then, and stared at the gravestone

Ryan Kingsley

Loved Husband, Beloved Father

June 19th 1968 - January 12th 2006

Rest In Peace

Tears continued to seep out from my eyes but Thomas, who was now sat beside me, mopped them up with a tissue. He put his arms around me and pulled me close, letting me sob quietly. After an hour of crying, Thomas let me go, as I crawled over to put my hands to the cold stone.

"Dad," I whispered "I know you can't hear me, but trust me, and believe me always when I say I love you."

The End

Chapter 10 and finished.

I hope you liked it as much as I adored writing it. This is my first story on Fictionpress but not my first story ever. It's the only one I've ever thought ok enough to put online.

I have feelings so don't criticise too harshly. If you think it's constructive and will help me improve, send it my way please!

I do NOT own When I'm Gone from Simple Plan. I wish I was smart enough to write a song of it's brilliance.

Thank you for reading, hidden.superstar