|Coffee For The First Time
Author: Johnny Thailborough PM
Lucifer and Jesus try out Starbuck's for the first time.Rated: Fiction M - English - Humor - Words: 1,434 - Reviews: 6 - Favs: 6 - Follows: 1 - Published: 03-24-08 - Status: Complete - id: 2493873
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
Coffee For The First Time(Taking place long before Damnation)
They figured they'd try something new. They figured it could be fun. They figured it would be a good way to take a break from all the things dealt with in their positions. The mortals always seemed to take great pleasure in this activity. They had no clue why this was. All they did was sat. They sat and drank. They sat, drank coffee, and talked. Nothing more. They had talked many times before. Sometimes they had heated arguments, and sometimes they fought. Either way, they talked. They even had friendly conversations, not far from the kinds of conversations the mortals had. So they had thought, why not. They would try it. Two of the most influential men in the history of existence decided to go for coffee.
Lucifer stood on the street corner in downtown Saskatoon Saskatchewan. He wore his leather trench coat, with black slacks, and a black bowler. The shadow from his hats brim covered his face completely, as it always did. To the left of him were some teenagers. He hated them because they thought they new him. To the right of him were some Babtists. He hated them, they preached too much. Behind him were some Athiests. He hated them as well, because they were wrong. In front of him were some catholic priests. He loved them more then anyone, they were terrible at their jobs. The walk light turned on, so they all proceeded. They teenagers swore, and yelled about Satan. The Baptists scolded the teenagers. The Athiests disagreed with everyone. The Catholics did nothing. Lucifer, with the crowd behind him following closely, reached the sidewalk. He ignored the crowd's banter, and put his hand out to stop the Catholics and talk.
"Excuse me, sir" Lucifer said to the men," I can see by your outfits that you are priests, correct?"
"Yes," said the one man awkwardly.
"I haven't much to say to you," Lucifer said, snidely," but thank you. You're absolute shit, and it's magical."
The man looked incredibly awkward, and pushed past Lucifer without a second thought. His friend hurried behind him. Lucifer grinned.
"Fireworks," he said aloud to himself.
"Hey," a voice yelled from his left," You're late you know."
Lucifer looked over and saw a man in a long brown coat, a wide brimmed hat, and black shirt and slacks.His face was clad with a neatly trimmed beard, and long brown hair.
"You know that tardiness is the epitome of evil," Lucifer said to the man.
"You're a fucking laugh riot," replied the man.
Lucifer walked towards the man, who was standing in front of the doors to Starbuck's.
"Jesus Christ, I haven't seen you in months," Lucifer said, raising his head, so his pasty white skin, and cold piercing blue eyes were visible to the world. He grinned, with gritted teeth.
"It has been a while." Jesus replied, and gestured to the door" Shall we?"
"Might as well."
The two friends, if you could even call them that, walked in, ordered their coffees, and sat down at a table in the center of the room. There were about ten tables in the restaurant, each with four chairs. The walls were covered with abstract art, and quotations from people no one had heard of, with a few too many profound things to say. Jesus reached for some sugar, but all he found in the container was Sweet n' low. He grimaced, and drank his coffee black.
"So," Lucifer said," How's the old man?"
"Which one do you mean?" Jesus asked, laughing.
"Let's say both."
"One's incredibly busy. He's all over the place, has to be a million places at once. The other's in paradise."
"If your father, the one I know better," said Lucifer, with a hint of curiosity on his voice," is Omnipotent, Omniscient, and Omnipresent, why is it he can hardly find any time for his own son?"
"Even a diety has limitations I guess," Jesus replied," He did create the universe. Hell, he created existence, as well as himself. That's got to put some strain on a guy."
"Fair enough," Lucifer said, nodding, and taking a sip from his Grande Caramel Machiatto," You know what else I don't get?"
"What would that be?"
"What in the nine hells is a Machiatto?"
"I have no idea," Jesus told Lucifer, taking a sip from his drink " but it tastes good."
"Then why didn't you get one?" Lucifer asked.
"I just wanted coffee today."
"And yet, you didn't put any sugar in it," said Lucifer, in a somewhat speculative voice.
"All they have here is sweet 'n low," Jesus replied, with a pained looking twist on his face.
Lucifer looked down at the tiny white packages, and glared. His eyes glowed red, and the disgusting sugar substitute burst into tiny shrouds of hellfire.
"I didn't think the stuff was THAT bad," Jesus said, looking confused at the small ashes that remained of the sweet 'n low.
"They use it to make Jell-o," Lucifer growled.
"Oooooh," Jesus said. He raised his hands to the side, palms up, and started to chant silently to himself. Every last package of sugar substitute in the entire coffee shop,whether it be Sweet 'n Low, Splenda or Equal, they all turned into small, white doves, and flew straight up, and out of the shop. The whole Starbuck's was pure white, as the doves flew from the store. The beating of their wings could be heard for miles around. After they left there was complete silence, white feathers carpeted the floor, and the stench of bird shit was everywhere.
"Thank you for removing the vile substance," Lucifer said," That was beautiful, creative, and revolting. Couldn't you have created doves that don't shit?"
"I didn't think of that, actually. It probably would have been a good idea."
"No kidding," Lucifer said, " would you mind cleaning it up? Or at least, getting rid of the sting?"
All of the other customers got up from their seats, covering there noses, and ran out of the shop. The last man on the way out managed to slip on the dove feces, and fall flat on his face. He stood up, covered from head to toe in poopy, and angrily stomped out of the store. After they had all escaped the disease ridden, stinky hell that was Starbuck's, Jesus snapped his fingers, and the dooky and feathers disappeared. Jesus and Lucifer sat in silence, slowly drinking there coffee, as a the manager of the store tried to figure out what was going on, and a news crew arrived.
"I hate the paparazzi," Jesus said," They piss me off."
"I thought you were supposed to love everyone," Lucifer said with a sly smile.
"Yeah, but they still piss me off," Jesus replied.
The reporters crowded around Lucifer and Jesus. They stuck microphones in their faces, and started asking questions. Their personal space being incredibly invaded, they decided to leave as soon as possible.
"I think it is in our best interest so get the hell out of here," Lucifer yelled, over the screaming reporters," Don't you agree?"
"Sounds like a plan," Jesus said," Should we at least make it fun?"
"We should indeed."
Jesus and Lucifer sat at the table, and both raised their palms to their sides. Jesus' hands began to glow white light, and Lucifer's burst into flames. All of the camera equipment disappeared instantly, and the two immortals grew wings, Christs of immaculate white light, Lucifer's of shadow.
"Try it again next week?" Christ asked.
"Definitely," Lucifer replied.
They flew into the air, and passed through the roof of the building. Lucifer snapped his fingers, and the building burst into flames, the people inside began screaming in pain, and trying to escape the building. They failed miserably, and merely disintegrated after meeting a wall of flame. After creating this disaster, Lucifer looked Jesus in the face, and smiled. Jesus was pissed. He extended his arms, and caused a great heavenly wind to pass by, resurrecting the dead, healing the injured, and wiping the memories of the days events from the minds of the people. He smiled to himself, and disappeared, going wherever it is he goes. He was annoyed with Lucifer's tricks, but still found himself excited for their next meeting. For the next time they would have coffee.