January 1

New Year’s Resolutions

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Exercise & eat sensibly

Finish ‘Love in the First Degree’ by March

Finish Medical & TAFE courses

Read more, watch TV less

Get a proper bedside lamp

Be tidier

Learn to be more patient

Take a chance

Get license

January 2

A bird flew into the yard and injured itself. Mum and I put it in a basket to let it rest. Gidget was very friendly to it, I shot some hoops (Jackson’s Chrissie present), gave it a bit of water and then it flew away.

Could I use that as a story or something?

January 3

I’m writing this as I watch Gone with the Wind, which is probably one of the greatest stories of all time. Oh, I wish I could write like that. I think of all the great stories ever written and I wonder if I’ll ever be able to write like that. I hope so- I really do. I feel like writing is all that I have going for me. I just hope that one day I can make something of myself.

January 4

There has been so much going through my mind that I don’t know where to start. I wish for so much, want so much. I want to be a recognised author by the end of the year. Hopefully by the end of the week, I’ll have typed out the rest of Eternally Yours, and send it off sometime next week. Most of all, I want to be loved. I ant someone to love me despite my many flaws, and I want to love him with all my being. I wish I could make everything so different, b e someone so different.

January 5

I finished typing up Eternally Yours tonight. Honestly, I love the story, but I’m afraid that it’s too short. It’s only 50 A4 pages. But I don’t know how to extend the story without ruining it, like I’ve done with so many others. I’ll start off with the original two souls. Something should happen- either he’ll get wounded in the war, or she’ll fall ill and die. The priestess Minikan will grant them the gift of several lifespans together- the gift of Eternal Love.

January 6

Em’s home sick today- she has a gastric bug of some kind, the poor baby. She’s watching some Princess DVDs, and I’m really enjoying our time together. Jackson’s just getting changed, but I reckon he’ll want to play Buzz later. I enjoy palaying with him, but he can get very upstropulous.

Later

Oh, great. Jackson’s in a mood. I think in these cases, it comes down to green-eyed jealousy. I hate how he’s so nasty to Emmy, particularly when Emmy loves him so much. But still, I know that no one gets along all of the time.

January 7

I’m very tired, so I’ll be making this short & sweet. I read today that the Australian Women’s Weekly are holding their short story competition. Of course, I’ll be entering, but I don’t dare to hope. I’m not sure if my style has changed in the last 12 months- though Nan says it has. But, even so, after the article that I read the other day about the extremely low possibility of being published….it’s just so disheartening. So much so that at times the temptation to give up is almost overpowering. But I can’t give up; I so want to be good at something.

And if I’m not a writer…I don’t know what else to be.

January 8

A rejection letter came for me today, for Love in the First Degree. Even though I found that I was not completely happy with the draft, it’s disheartening, all the same. I hope; I pray; that my writing improves. Maybe Eternally Yours will be the book that will make me proud. I hope so- I really do. The idea behind it is something I am exceptionally passionate about. Oh, I know, I carry on about my writing so much- I just love it. I hope so much that one day I will be published and people will start taking me seriously- not just as some girl with a disability.

Maybe I’ll start taking myself seriously.

* I give myself a year. If I’m nowhere closer with my writing by 2010, I’ll stop.

January 9

It’s eleven pm, the kids are asleep, so it’s deathly quiet. Eerie, almost.

I’m just on the computer, passing the time, rally. I’m burning a DVD for the kids, but it’s not exactly working out the way I’d hoped.

I’m also trying to think of what to write next in my novel. I really hope that it works out. I love this book. I probably feel the most passionate about this story then I’ve felt for a long time.

I better go- want to write as much as I can in the next hour or so.

January 10

I finished the story of Melanie and Joseph today, though I must admit that I am not terribly happy with it. That’s to say, I’m not usually pleased with my work because I seldom am. I wish I could write so well that publishers would flood me with offers. I should call Dani- the personal trainer and should get mu butt into gear so I can maybe be beautiful. I would so love to be beautiful. Smart and successful as well. Maybe one day. 2 out of 3 ain’t bad.

January 11

Aim; To read a book a week

Objective: The Princess Bride

Aim: Finish Prologue, Chapter 1 &

Aim: Finish Medical Terminology course

January 12

Well, I haven’t started The Princess Bride yet because I’d like to finish a few other books that I have started first. Tomorrow, after my dreaded duty of seeing Tess, I intend to dedicate the best part of the day working on Eternally Yours. I have an idea for a story- though it isn’t necessarily the next one in the book. In a way, I hope I hurry up and finish it because I want to work on my next idea. I have two- a female warrior of some kind and a Family Saga.

January 13

Chess- 9.00

I’ve completed three parts of Eternally Yours, and I have to say that I’m really not particularly happy with it. I have to keep in mind that it’s some kind of written rule that writers are supposed to be their own worst critics. But how do I know the difference between constructive criticism and over criticising? I just want to write the last story, be done with it and get on with another story.

I suppose that isn’t really such a good thought, is it? I mean, shouldn’t I enjoy writing it? Do I have to enjoy the whole process?

January 14

Dani- 12.00

I think I’m going to let Eternally Yours lie dead for a couple of months, work on something else. I’ve got some people looking over it, so maybe I’ll wait to hear what the critics have to say. In the meantime, I think I might work on one of my other stories. See if I have any bestsellers ready to be finished. A couple of years ago, I started to read this new author, Tilly Bagshawe. I loved her first book Adored and ever since then I’ve been an avid reader of her. But I couldn’t help ask myself; what do her books have that mine don’t? And if there is a secret ingredient…how do I get it?

January 15

I started Forever Loved today- my new story. It’s a mother and daughter story, ultimately. I named the mother ‘Lynette’ with Lyn from work in mind. Even though the two are nothing like one another, I wanted to recognise Lyn in some way. Or maybe I should change it to ‘Lynne’. Maybe I’ll be more satisfied with this story.

; You know, I think I’ll use the Vietnam War as part of the setting for ‘The Soldier’s Touch’- the book that Lynne wrote, based on her love affair with James.

I could get excited about this one.

January 16

Apart from the fact that I had to work, I had a fairly good day. Oh, yeah, and apart from the scar on my brow, from where Emmy and I knocked heads. Dad tried to dunk me in the pool but didn’t seen Em’s head…you get the idea.

I am so lucky. I love my family so much- when we manage to push all of the daily crap to the side, we have a lot of fun. Oh, Ashleigh’s having her baby today. She’s two years younger then me, has a guy and now a bub. I knida wish I hade that –even if it meant no job. I know, from hard experience, that nothing is more precise then a baby’s love and devotion.

I wonder it I’ll ever have that.

I hope I get the chance to have that.

January 17

Today I spent the day with Kerra. I had a really good time and Kerra is absolutely lovely. We’re going out for dinner, and I’m really looking forward to it- it’s the first time that I’ve been out in a while. We get along so well, which is great, and we like the same sort of things. I think there’s a lot that we could learn from one another.

We went shopping today, and I’m absolutely disgusted with myself; I bought a book and a DVD- and I really didn’t need them. I have an addiction- it’s despicable.

January 18

One thing that you have to know about me is that I can be very temperamental and sensitive- particularly when it comes to my writing. Both Mum and Gar have said things lately that make m mad and hurt. It makes me feel like they don’t believe in me.

They don’t understand what it’s like to want something so badly, because it’s all that you can do. Because you want to prove to so many people that you can do something well. Because just being yourself is never enough.

January 19

Dani 12.30(?) – cancelled

I didn’t see Dani today- I made it for the same time next week. Just before you go about blaming me for being lazy.

It’s midnight, and I’m trying to finish ‘Final Scream’ by Lisa Jackson. God, it’s been so long since I’ve read a book that I just can’t put down. All the girls at work are talking about the Twilight books. OK, they’re good, but they’re not that good.

Oh, I finalised my TAFE enrolment today. I miss studying as foreign as that sounds,

I miss school.

January 20

Finished ‘Final Scream’ this morning. I played Buzz with the kids and worked on my letter to Ben (Brown, not Barnes- oh I wish I was so intimately connected). I can’t believe the kids are going back to school next week. I’m going to miss them so much. Even Joshie’s nagging. God, I love those kids. I get so annoyed at them sometimes but God, I love them. Couldn’t imagine life without them.

Mum and Dad are so lucky- their friends, Kate and Craig, have invited them to their wedding in Melbourne and they’ve only known the couple two or three months!

Hey. I have an idea for a story. I can’t wait to get mu laptop. Then I can just write, write, write.

January 21

I must have come up with at least two or three story ideas, but I didn’t heed them, didn’t write a thing down. I don’t know whether to be please or disappointed.

I saw Mrs Charter today, my old science teacher, and she suggested that I get involved in the theatre come February when they start advertising. Plus I hear that there may be a vacancy or two coming up at Video Ezy, so I’m going to put my name down.
Oh, I went to the book exchange today. God that woman is rude- knows next to nothing about attracting customers. More like, she intends to scare them off. I’d love to work in a bookshop. I hope one of them comes to town.

January 22

Not a day goes by that I don’t ask myself why. Do I really think I’m that different from all the other wannabe writers? What makes me so?

I don’t think I’m particularly talented. I’ve just always wanted to be a writer- I guess I loved reading and wanted to take it a step further, but maybe I should quiet. Just read. Mum and Gar seem to think that I should.

The problem is that I love the idea of coming up with stories….Enough! Stop!

Later

Damn it all! Damn what others think about my writing. I’m not a quitter, and I love writing and, damn it, I’m good at it. I hope. If not, I’ll get better.

January 23

Well, it’s 9.30 and Mum and Dad are out to dinner. Hopefully they’re having a good time. My time with the kids hasn’t been as fun as it was last time. They are both tired and more temperamental.

Joshie’s watching Looney Toones while Emmy’s watching Pocahontas in Mum and Dad’s room. I actually reckon they’re asleep about now…Well, nope. Not Joshie. I’ll check on Emmy…

Nope. It’s 10 to 10. I’ll be banned.

January 24

Kids say the damndest things at times. Today, Joshie wanted to know when I was going to have a baby! Ha! Me! That’s one of the most ridiculous things I’ve ever heard. Almost as crazy as the idea of me getting married. I mean, I’d love to but…well, everyone has obstacles, right?

I’m afraid John likes me. I hope not- I’ve told him that we can just be friends, but…He insists on seeing me all the time, signs of ‘Love John’ in a message or two and throws in some x’s and o’s for emphasis. Don’t get me wrong, I’d love to meet someone. I’d love if Kevin were interested but he’s clearly not so...Looks like I’m flying solo. Oh well, it could be worse- I could double book.

January 26

Day off work- yay!

It’s one of those days. Not mush has happened, yet there’s still so mush I want to say. First, the bad news. Poor little Joshie had a fall today- he fell off his bike, right on the road, flat on his back. I felt terrible- I shouldn’t have suggested the ride. Oh, he and Emmy start school again tomorrow- Joshie in Year 1, but Emmy’s still in PreKinder. I shall miss them terribly.

Secondly, I’m on a mission. I’d like to be desirable and interesting. I’m not just talking about from a guy’s view, I want to be able to know it for myself. I’d like to be world, exciting…daring. Oh, by the way, John does like me. Why oh why can’t I ever seem to experience mutual affection?

PS When I asked John why he liked me, he said because I’m beautiful. Hmm…Compliment or insult?