Two

February 28, 2005

Two are keeping me alive

But others are going to kill me.

They have my entire life in their hands.

Maybe they don’t realize it,

But the life is being choked out of me.

Only two are left to keep me alive,

But right now they’re not winning the battle

Which will end with my death.

Does anyone have any idea how much I hate to live?

Forces are closing in all around me,

In the form of people I once loved.

Do they have a clue as to what goes on?

Do they realize how many times I have come so close,

Sitting here alone?

So many times I have almost crossed the line.

They don’t have a clue

And they aren’t looking very hard to find one.

Just give me a good enough reason,

And I am gone

To the road that leaves no turning back.

If I make it without going over the edge,

They will be lucky to see me again.

I am going away,

And I never want to come back.

I don’t want to see their goddamned faces again.

They think their lives were so hard??

They made it through alive.

Will I?

Sometimes I hope I do.

Other times, death is the greatest desire of my heart.

They don’t understand what I have become.

They probably never will.

I can’t talk to them.

They have their ideas about who I am,

And those will never change.

They will never comprehend how it feels.

A father who can only be described as an asshole,

A mother who is never home and doesn’t care,

A brother who isn’t being raised to be the person he could be,

A sister who can’t lift a finger in a favor to anyone but herself,

Grandparents who only want attention,

Cousins who barely know my name,

Much less me and what I’m going through.

Sometimes it seems that there is only one answer.

An answer found at the tip of a knife,

The barrel of a gun,

The end of a rope,

The bottom of a bottle.

Which answer will I choose?

Because it’s only a matter of time.

Thanks to you, my darling family.