The regret of a child.

I can’t tell whether I was happy or sad, for I have not experienced emotions before. Ryuzaki, the person I treated as a hero, a role model, as well as my father has showed me one before.

When I was small, around the age of thirteen, I was sent to a Japanese harbor in Nagasaki. I was like a pet animal being sold by the Chinese who brought me to this harbor. In my previous life, before I reached this harbor of pearl and hope, I had nobody and no money as well. That was during the Japanese occupation in China where robbery and stealing were my daily routine, until I was caught and became no less of an animal.

How I rekindle of my worthless childhood when I first met Ryuzaki. It was him who made me who I am currently, for it was him who brought me out of the torment which was given to me from those Chinese at the harbor of pearl.

Since then, Ryuzaki treated me like his own son, as I was living under the same roof. He sent me to school, be he didn’t know that it was the worst mistake in his life to send a nihilist like me to a place where I could germinate my seed of hatred. Though it was during the world war two, not many people were able to go to school but it was somehow unfortunate for me to be attending school because I believed that everyone in there was stupid. No other words but stupid. Someday, or maybe some time later, we are all going to die. So what’s the point for us to struggle?

The wisdom of Heaven just managed to cross my mind somehow. I was able to do far better than anyone else, but there was not a single ambition which I had in mind. The only God I had was Ryuzaki, who taught me all I needed to know on our nobility obligations.

According to every scripture which appears on every religion, there is always a raison d’être for living, but in accordance to my law of living, it was just fear at that time. I believed that existence itself had no fear, but living creates it.

I don’t know how it happened so fast, Ryuzaki was going to get married. As soon as the news reached my ears, I knew that he was trying to get a step ahead and to abandon this perfect child of his. The first thing that came into my mind was the coup d’état that the adults were play a prank as their talks were reaching to its infinity and beyond.

No, it wasn’t a coup d’état at all. Ryuzaki was seriously going to get married. My rage of anger burst into flames and there went my seed of hatred which bloomed and became an eerie and chaotic black rose which stands for destruction. I pulled out a book of law just to make sure, and there I saw those words which gave me hope.

‘Acts if juveniles less than fourteen years of age are not punishable by law’

From there, I forgot everything about the ‘nobility obligations’ which was taught to me and only killing came into my mind. Ryuzaki was a giant of a man, so I had prepared a peerless strategy which was to spread potassium cyanide on his bread. But as I thought again, I wouldn’t be enough to atone for his sin of being stupid to not discuss this matter with his perfect son.

I made up my mind; I had decided to place sleeping pills in the form of powder rather than potassium cyanide which could kill him in an instant. The sun had finally sunk and the creeps of night arose as astonishing as the dark and chaotic rose in my heart. That night, Ryuzaki didn’t come back, which added old to fire. I doubled the dose of sleeping pills and managed to steal a gun from an imperial soldier who moped around the market that afternoon.

It was just a matter of time. I was waiting for daybreak. As the rooster crowed, dawn arose and the incipient gleam of light flashed into the large hollow house like thousands of tiny needles. Ryuzaki came home with an empty stomach, and I knew it was true. I made some British toast for him, as taught in school and Ryuzaki ate it with no suspicion with an exasperated smile or maybe it was a smirk. “The bread tasted bitter” he commented. But glory, I knew, was bitter stuff.

Ryuzaki was knocked out immediately, and I shot him in every part of his body with the gun I stole. Finally, I finished him with my coup de grace by shooting him in the head as blood splattered everywhere just like fertilizer to my chaotic rose.

The court of law did not take any action upon me, but I somehow had regretted so, as I am committing hara-kiri to atone for my sins. I should’ve been cleverer by then, so that I could control my anger. If only I had been more careful, that wouldn’t have happened.