Ah. So you’ve been anticipating an ‘emo’ entry, have you? Well sit back and relax, this is it.

I never really expected everyone to really, ohh…I don’t know….respect or like the things I do. I don’t mean to sound like a prick or anything when I say that last part. But its kind of hard to, well, explain things. I’m not going to blame this on explanations, though. By this, I mean realizing that even the people I actually care about are disappointed in me. You’ll notice how I said people I care about. This is….greatly my fault, anyway. This next part is a sick, dark confession that I must..well..confess. I enjoy telling people how screwed up my life is. I mean, that’s not why I tell people. Honestly, I don’t know why I’m even typing this. Well, wait, maybe I do. I enjoy it, remember? Wow, I’m confused. So, somewhere deep, deep in me, I crave the feeling of telling someone what’s screwed up with my life. So, even though I may not feel it on the surface, I’m enjoying typing this right now. I feel...disgusted just thinking about it. I guess I am a….attention whore, is it? Maybe not the nicest words to describe one ’s self, but that’s the only wording that I know that works with this situation. And I guess that person was right. I do like attention. Oh, and don’t hold your breath if you’re expecting me to blame it on child negligence.

I want to say that I enjoy people’s pity (well, no, I actually don’t, but you get what I mean), but pity is not the right word. What I seem to enjoy is when people say that I should get away from here, or just agree with me my opinions. But the problem is, I’m quite the overdramatic person. I learned that quite awhile back. It’s the reason I think my life is very terrible, but I don’t think it is as terrible as it could be. I am damn sure that it’s worse than a lot of people’s lives, however. I am almost positive about that. I also know that my problems aren’t above everyone else’s problems. I don’t think I have it worse than the people who are starving, getting raped, or getting hit by their parents. I could never think that. People have it worse off than me.

I am only another person who has a bad life. Does that give me the reason to cut? No, it most certainly does not. Of course, I don’t know the reason of why I do that, so maybe I’m wrong. Maybe I do cut because my life isn’t terrible enough. Or maybe I cut because…i want to be an emo kid? I don’t know what’s the reason. All I know is that I do it. And I don’t want to. But I do. And it’s so damn insane. I hate it as much as the next person (I maybe shouldn’t say that, since the majority of people enjoy it, apparently. Hmm…) Well, I guess on some basis I do like it. Because otherwise I wouldn’t be doing it, correct? I probably like it because it gives me something to complain about. Or gives me something to cry about. That seems like my thoughts. Really, I don’t know why I even bother complaining. Or mentioning this. And I don’t want to appear as if I’m attempting to appear as if I’m completely baffled in this situation, and expect much pity and apologies. I’m trying to, well, have a sudden realization? I have been waiting to have some sort of realization that my life isn’t great, and that that doesn’t matter. I am almost, there, I think.

Right now, as I think about my..er…situation, is that the right wording? Yes, situation. As I think about it, I don’t think of it as something worth hurting myself for. But then again, I’m not experiencing anything terrible right now. As in right in this second. However, after I get yelled at and thoroughly demolished (wow, not a good word to use there), I tend to overreact more than I usually do. In those moments, I am absolutely sure that there is no bright side, and everything will all go down to Hell. But I’m trying to get used to the fact that, and I don’t mean to sound like a suicidal kid, there’s in fact something to live for. I used to think that if I fell off the face of the earth, nothing would change. Yeah, some people would be sad, and frown, or shed a few tears. But what would ultimately change? I..well..i could think of nothing. Now, however, I know that there are people out there, rather they live within a few states of me…or a few countries away, would damn well miss me if I left without a trace. When I left for not so long in March, the messages of the people at IMDb were very heartwarming.

Of course, as I look back now, I know that my goodbye thread was very overdramatic and not needed. And sort of…an exaggeration seeing as how I wasn’t gone long. But I really thought I was going to stop going on the computer all together. So, those messages kind of boost my confidence that I should most certainly not plan on being abducted by aliens, or anything like that. When I began writing this very long entry, I think there was supposed to be this ultimate point in the end. So far, I don’t remember thinking of one. So, I’m going to try to sum it up now.

Yes, some part of me likes the attention I get when I tell people how bad my life is, but that is not the reason I tell people. Reasons for anything I do or say or think, are pretty much unknown. I do not cut for attention, although maybe I do, because I don’t know the reason for that either. I do not think that I have a worse life than everyone in the world, but I think I have a worse life than some people. I am an attention whore. I am not an attention whore. But statements are true, in their own ways. It’s confusing, yes. I’m confused, also. All of this, all of what I have just written, does not have a reason, either. Note that none of my actions have reasons. Or anything.

Everything, I have learned, just happens, sometimes. And yeah, I guess it does suck, but they don’t need explanations. Sometimes nothing bad comes out of it, sometimes nothings good comes out of it. It just damn happens, and there’s nothing I can do to stop it, at times.

(EPIPHANY?)