You know? This is my life

By: Michelle Zhou Lin

Date: 02/03/2008 & 03/03/2008

Hey, did you know a parent could hate their own child?

I didn’t think so before

But now?

Why are you asking me?

Because it affects you, face the lie thats your life

I am, I have nothing to hide

Really, so are you happy that your so called “parent’s love” is fake?

It’s not they love me! They both do, I think…

Would you rather live a life of false happiness and love or the cold heartbreaking truth?

I don’t know, I really don’t know

It’s better if it was the truth, you know

But the lies hurt less much, much less

They say little white lies never hurt anyone

But they do a lot especially this one

Your whole life was a lie

I want to know why

You didn’t notice the clues-

But now I know so suddenly

It hurts; I know having your heart broken

I lived with my mum for my whole life but still couldn’t tell until now

You believed what she told you “You’re the most important person to me”

I know I am

Remember David?

She changed when she met him

You were no longer “The most important person” in her life, but were you ever?

She said I was, but I don’t know now

You were always with her, right?

Yeah, we had tough times but we made it through together

But were the tough times made by you?

No, I know it was my dad’s fault, he was a womanizer

You resemble him; maybe your mum hates you for it? I mean you were an accident

She said I wasn’t! She said so!

But can you believe everything she told you? False happiness

She wouldn’t lie to me, I’m her daughter, I’m her god damn daughter!

Don’t get so upset, it was your choice to ignore all the clues through all these freaking years

I was only a child, I still am. It is fair to say I was an obedient that didn’t question my mum’s judgement

So what? You were a dumb obedient child that couldn’t think for herself, but what made you change?

I changed years before; I grew out of my stupid stage

Your rebellious and couldn’t give a damn, so why are you so sad? You were normal once but a few years ago you started to become empty and you didn’t care for anything even your own health; so why do you feel so much emotion all of the sudden? Did you grow out of that too?

I-I don’t care! I don’t! No one cares so why do I!? Why?

Why, you ask? Why you should care or why it hurts so much? What do you want to know?

I shouldn’t care they don’t! But I do and it’s painful

Of course it’s painful, what did you expect? You didn’t give a shit about anything and they don’t give a shit about you. They both have a partner and your just extra luggage

I live with my mum and Andy, his nice to me and I have known him for many years already but why do I feel like something’s changed?

You mean you don’t feel comfortable around your own home?

I don’t feel at home anywhere anymore, I feel that the only reason I live life is because the other option is death

For many people it is, don’t feel bad kiddo. It’s not your fault that your dad’s a womanizing cheapass or that your mum’s a selfish bipolar bitch, right?

I know but I still feel like I can’t breathe without someone choking me. At school I have people that hate me for no apparent reason and teacher that accuse you of thinking their dumb, with my mum she changes moods so quickly and pumps me for dirty goss about my dad or leaves me to fend for myself, my dad always trying to get me to tell him about my mum’s financial life or boss me around. The only time I feel at peace is when I’m alone, all alone by myself.

Kinda crappy life isn’t it? Man, your one disturbed little puppy.

I used to think I was just trying to get attention talking crap like I am but I got counselling and emotion management classes at primary school. It was seriously a waste of time. I don’t even have high expectations I just wanna be content not even happy. God, some people are fucking cheerful every fucking day! What’s the problem of me being at least fucking hell content!? Everyone feels fucking ok while I’m always physically sick or depressed! Why can’t I have something normal for once! Any fucking thing in my life to be normal? Why can’t I? Some people have every fucking thing they want so why can’t I just have one thing just one thing in my fucking life that’s normal?

Because life isn’t fair honey so stop shitting about your life and get on with it or commit suicide, those are your two only options. There’s no one watching over you and changing your life to help you. Your mum only gives you accommodation and food while your dad supplies the dough; they’re not here to shape your life.

Pft, I know that! The reasons that they look after me is because my dad wants me to help with his business and take care of him while my mum only takes responsibility because she feels like she has to. I’m not stupid enough to pretend that they actually love me! Ha, even saying that makes me laugh.

Honey, no offences but you’re an idiot for not realizing sooner but I guess you’re so young that it would take a long time to realize. Though it is good for you that you got your attitude back, hopefully you hear the sarcasm in my voice.

Yeah whatever, I’m still trying to figure out what to do next.

Good luck with your screwed up life. I will never get tired of using sarcasm y’know.

Well gee thanks for the encouragement! And if you listen between the lines it means go rot in hell!

The last statement definitely confirmed the fact that you are mentally ill; conversing with yourself and telling yourself to rot in hell is definitely not definition of sanity.

Aw, fuck that, fuck you and fuck my physical and mental illnesses.

Amen to that! I love sarcasm.