The idea was alluring

The idea was alluring. A quiet undertone to every moment she lived.

If she failed, she could always…

If she was unwanted, she could always…

If she didn’t want to go on, she could always…

It was the thing that kept her going, and the thing that could stop her completely. It was the twinge of hope she could feel in the pit of her stomach every time she walked out the front door, into a world that would commit her if they knew. She would laugh with her friends, divide her time perfectly to fit the mold of perfect daughter, perfect athlete, perfect artist, perfect teenager. The pressures where unlimited, and no one stopped pushing until you exploded. It’s the way it is, the way it always has been.

She managed to keep her boyfriend, her soccer buddies, and her lab partners in the dark. They would never guess a girl like this would be thinking the things she thought about. No one could imagine it. She had no reason to be unhappy. She had a family, bountiful friends, she had faith and trust. She had no reason the feel the ways he did. But then again, does anyone?

No one is allowed to feel anymore. It has to be smiles. It has to be laughs. Someone is always screaming at her to be better at this, be better at that. She can’t get any better. She just wants to…

Die. Was that so hard to say?

Yes. It was.

But should it be? We should be able to die when we want, how we want. But this train of thought is wrong. It’s wrong to think about dying. Or at least, that’s what she’s told. Years of trying to impress everyone, following the rules, living up to standards, trying her hardest to be happy, like everyone else, has led to this, this complete meltdown.

She goes to the dresser, pulls out the drawer. She flips it over, and taped at the bottom, one small zip lock bag filled with tiny blue pills. She dumps them onto her bed, a tall glass of water glistening on the nightstand, the radio playing a song she doesn’t recognize. Her hands shake.

One by one.

She puts them back in the bag.

Today, she decides, is not the day.