Authors Note: This is a story I've been working on for a while now. I'm pretty stuck right now and can't decide if I'll continue this in chapters or end it as a short story. I would love to hear what everyone thinks about it so far and here opinions to help me continue. Thanks :D

Warning: M/M

The putrid smell and presence of cigarette smoke was thick in the cramped room and I wasn’t even really sure why I had come he

The putrid smell and presence of cigarette smoke was thick in the cramped room and I wasn’t even really sure why I had come here in the first place anymore. I don’t know if I was there to make a certain someone jealous or to find an escape from the pain. Both sounded good to me, but maybe being here wouldn’t help me find any answers. But anything was better then nothing.

I ran my hand through my short brown hair noticing the absence of hair that was once there. It was a lot longer before and I regretted cutting it all off, but it would have to do. I walked passed a couple on the couch practically having sex with their clothes on and I grunted with disgust. I wasn’t against sex or anything, but if I decided to lose my virginity I definitely wouldn’t do it in front of a crowd.

My eyes scanned the room as my feet carried me down the hall way and into a room. I pushed one of the doors open to find a young man sitting comfortably on a small dirty looking white bed. It was disgusting.

“Hey” He greeted as he took a swig from the beer bottle in his hand before offering it to me. I reached for the bottle and chugged the remainder of it; which definitely wasn’t even enough to get a buzz. This guy probably got drunk before the party even started. I dropped the bottle on the floor and it landed with a thud.

My eyes fell back upon the young man and I noticed his lean built, short blonde hair and devilish grin that could have ladies fall head over heels for. I swallowed and glanced away. My tendencies for attraction don’t always tend to be towards the opposite sex. In fact they don’t at all. I was okay with this…with me…being gay I mean. There are a lot bigger issues with my life then being a homosexual. It’s always something I’ve had to deal with in my life and I’ve learned to be okay with it.

I heard the bed creak as the young man stood to his feet and approached me closing the distance between us to a mere inch. I could smell the strong scent of alcohol on his breath as it hit my face. His hand grasped my chin and I flinched slightly when he jerked my face towards him.

“Like what you see?” He slurred and I tried not to look pathetic in front of him, but I couldn’t find any words. “Shhh. I know you do…” He titled his head and my body involuntary shuddered as his lips pressed against mine hard. I gave in and allowed him to guide me on to the bed. What’s wrong with me...?

I was letting this complete stranger just…feel me up! As my mind screamed no my body gave in and slowly convinced the brain to stop. It felt good. The pain was being dulled. If I could just escape it…even for this short time…I would let it happen. I was desperate. I can’t have the person I want the most He doesn’t want me. It’s like he’s afraid too.

My thoughts blur as my mind lets my body take over. He’s groping me all over and smothering me with his drunken kisses. He forces his tongue into my mouth and the taste of beer is strong. I’m breathing heavy and I’m not even sure what’s happening any more. Everything is beyond my control now as his hands reach for my pants zipper. Red lights are flashing in my head warning me it’s gone too far, but I don’t even think my body would listen if my mind told it to stop.

Suddenly his body was lifted off of me. I was in such a daze I didn’t even realize he had me pinned to the bed before or notice the presence of another person.

I slowly came to my senses. A voice was talking, but I couldn’t understand what he was saying.

“Jake!...Jake!” My name.

“S-stop yelling” Was all I managed to choke out.

My mind slowly cleared taking in my surroundings. I looked up into steel blue eyes and I felt my breath hitch.

It was Luke. He had been my brother’s best friend. Luke was 4 years my senior. I was 17 which made him 21. Luke was… someone I couldn’t understand. Everything about him was complicated.

He was more attractive then my brother, but both of them had heads turn wherever they went. They both could’ve passed as Abercrombie and Fitch models. He had short blonde hair that stopped right under his ears. He was lean and had an athletes’ body and stood 6’1’’.

Luke grasped my chin roughly.

“Are you drunk?” His words sounded harsh but there was worry in his voice.

“Haven’t been here long enough to have the grand opportunity to get smashed.” I snapped my words harsh. His eyes flashed with anger.

“I don’t need a babysitter so just bug the hell off.”

“Well I wouldn’t have to worry about you if you’d stop pulling crap like this.” He let go off my chin and dropped down on the bed beside me.

“Crap like what, huh?” I stared at him hard and his gaze didn’t falter. “Enlighten me, because I don’t know what the hell I should be doing.”

“Well for starters you shouldn’t be here and you shouldn’t be drinking”

“Alright righteous one, tell me you never got drunk when you were a teenager.”

“I did drink, but I never drank my pain away or got some action with a stranger; which would be exactly what you did and were planning on doing.”

“I’m sick of your ‘oh-so-helpful’ advice crap you’re trying to feed me.”

“Well too bad cause I could care less what you think about it because your gonna end up killing yourself and you’ll thank me later when you realize I’ve been right all along.”

My head was beginning to hurt. I was coming close to having one of my panic attacks. It happened a lot and it was easy to set one off. It never used to be this bad until my brother died. Now I’m lucky if I have just one a day. Anything could set off a panic attack even a simple argument like this one.

“Hey, hey. Calm down.” His voice sounded a lot gentler than before. He must have noticed I was about to slip into a panic attack. His hand cupped my face with his calloused fingers. I closed my eyes and concentrated on calming myself. I wish he would stop touching me; stop playing his little mind games with me.

I hated this. I was defenseless when I slipped into an attack. No matter what was going on everything stopped around me. I became the center of the attention and my needs came first. I was pathetic. Everyone had to help poor old Jake before he hyperventilated or passed out. I was almost an invalid.

“Stop…don’t. Stop touching me” My voice was barely a whisper. He grunted and pulled me up against his body. His stomach was warm as I lay against him.

I couldn’t tell how long it was that I lie against him. The panic attacks dulled my senses. I felt Luke’s hand running up and down my back trying to soothe me. A whimper escaped my throat and Luke tightened his grip on me.

“Is you mother home?” Luke whispered to me.

“No, she’s on a business trip for the weekend.” I croaked in response. My breathing was returning to normal.

It was just me and my mother at home now since my brother died. Our father left us when I was 3 so I don’t remember him at all. I’ve only seen pictures of him before I was born. There were never any pictures of him holding me. It made me wonder if he was disgusted by me. I wasn’t sure what I could have done wrong. Maybe another baby was more of a burden to him then a joy.

“Then you can stay at my house for the night.” Luke spoke quietly. I shook a little as I felt his hot breath on my face. He gently let go of me and I sat in front of him staring at my hands. I wordlessly nodded.

Luke gently grasped my wrist as we weaved through the throng of partiers in the living room to reach the front door. The chilly wind blew in my face as he opened the door. My teeth chattered involuntary.

When we reached his truck I slid into the passenger’s side as he hopped in the driver’s side. The car started with a sickening sputter as he cranked the ignition. He glanced towards me as I rubbed my goose bump covered arms and cranked the heat up on max. I laid my head against the head rest in relief. My shivering slowly ceased as we drove down the silent roads. It was probably past midnight and I felt myself slowly fading into sleep. The last thing I remember was Luke gently touching my shoulder and whispering something I couldn’t make out. I hope he wasn’t mad at me.

When I awoke later Luke was gently picking me up out of the truck. He kicked the door shut and headed towards his apartment. I was too groggy to open my eyes completely so I lied contently in his arms and buried my face into his jacket. He smelled of cigarette smoke and axe cologne.

“Luke…” I mumbled. He set me down on his bed.

“Yeah Jake” Luke’s voice was clear and calm.

“I’m sorry…please don’t be mad”

“I’m not mad, it’s okay” I felt his fingers brush my hair away from my forehead

“It’s okay to hate me. I would understand.”

“Shhh. Sleep now. I don’t hate you, so please sleep. We’ll talk in the morning.”

I nodded and I felt my body become weightless as sleep over came me. I felt too tired to fight the sleep from coming.

When I awoke again the sun was shining in my eyes; it must have been sunrise. I glanced over the room looking for a clock. One that sat upon a desk on the far side of the room read 7:30 AM. I rubbed my eyes trying to rid them of sleep. Everything around me came into focus and memories from the night before flooded back to me. I sat up realizing I was in Luke’s room.

I pushed the blanket off of me. I was still wearing my clothes from last night minus my pants. I had my boxers on. I shivered and looked around for my pants. A thought came to me that Luke took them off last night and I blushed. I fumbled around until I found my pants and slipped them on quickly. The rough fabric warmed my skin.

I calmed my thoughts and quietly walked into the living room. It was a small room that had a ratty couch and a small color T.V. Luke was sleeping on the couch with a blanket draped over his bare chest. His breathing was even and calm; he was still sleeping peacefully. I watched him for a few moments before I tore my eyes away from his sleeping form feeling heat rise to my face. My feet carried me into the kitchen. It had been a long time since I had been in Luke’s house. I would come over all the time looking for my brother. The wooden floor was cold on my bare feet. I turned to open the fridge and felt my body still and my breath hitch.

On the fridge was a picture of Luke and my brother Sam. I couldn’t take my eyes away from it. They had their arms slung around each others shoulders like buddies and smiling like fools. I’m not sure where the picture was taken. It could have been anywhere. They did everything and anything together. I took a deep breath but I could feel my breaths become a little ragged. I placed my hand on the cold fridge for support. My vision blurred and I closed my eyes. I brought my hand to my cheek and felt warm liquid dampen my cheeks.

“Why did you leave me?” I whispered to the air. “You left me and Mom all alone. You left Luke too. Why?” I knew I wouldn’t get answer. My brother died after he was diagnosed with cancer. When he found out it was too late for any treatment to help him. It wasn’t his fault, but I feel so lost without him.

I pressed my forehead against the fridge. It felt cool and smooth. I jumped as I felt a warm hand on my shoulder.

“Hey” Luke’s voice was gentle and warm. I couldn’t bring myself to look at him. “You know he didn’t want to leave us. He died fighting it.”

“I thought you were still sleeping” I answered ignoring his comment.

“You always assume the wrong things” He whispered back. I shivered as his rough hands touched my arm. The room was silent and the only noise was the refrigerator buzzing. Luke brushed my tears away gently. I jerked my head away and ended up with my back pressed against the refrigerator.

“Shhh.” He whispered soothingly to me. I tried to avoid his touch but his warm skin was making me feel light-headed. He leaned in and pressed his forehead against mine.

“Relax. Just relax.” How could he expect to me relax if his body is nearly pressed up against mine. I could feel his hot breath on my face and I knew I would crumble. I stared in his eyes and I found pain. All thoughts and reasoning left me as I pressed my lips hard against his. He began to pull away for a second then stopped knowing he was too far gone now. I wrapped my arms around his neck and felt his warm body press flush against me. My back was cold and stiff from the fridge but the front of me was on fire from Luke. He grasped the back of my neck and returned the kissed. I parted my lips wanting him to go on. Luke needed no more encouragement and I felt his tongue probe the inside of mouth. My head reeled back and I involuntarily groaned.

Luke’s hands slid down my arms as his mouth moved against mine. My breath hitched as his hand slipped under my t-shirt touching my warm skin. He pulled away and I began to protest. Slowly his hand wandered over my chest and I leaned into his touch. Seconds later his lips were touching my neck and face. He nipped and kissed my flush skin before paying attention to a soft spot on my neck. His tongue probed my skin and his teeth pulled. I was going to have a hickey because of him.

I grasped his head and pulled his face to mine so I could have his mouth on mine once again. His mouth tasted sweet and I pushed my tongue into his mouth without protest. My hands skimmed muscled back and I felt his tense muscles against my touch.

He pulled away and with vain attempts I tried to pull him back. We were both breathing heavy and Luke’s lips were swollen from kissing. I grasped his face in my hands and tried to pull him back to me but he resisted. My hands dropped and he backed away from me. The warmth I felt went ice cold.

“I’m sorry.” His voice came out as a harsh whisper. “I shouldn’t have done that…” He wrapped his arms around himself unsure of what to do with his hands. He glanced at the clock and swore. “I have to get to work. You can stay if you want. There’s plenty of food in the fridge if you get hungry.” Luke glanced at me nervously before heading to the bathroom and slamming it behind him. I winced at the sound.

My hands shook as I reached for some water in the fridge behind me. Cool water went down my parched throat as I tried to rid the taste of him. I forced myself not to feel the rejection and hurt. Minutes later he emerged from the bathroom fully dressed in a suit. He worked at his father’s law firm and was well on his way to becoming a great lawyer like his father. He knew all the right things to say, but when he was with me those right words never came.

Luke glanced at me.

“I’ll be gone till dinner” He mumbled to me.

“What if I’m not here?” I provoked him trying to get him to just go away…like everyone else.

“Your little head games will work on everyone else. I’m not stupid enough to just tell you to leave.” His expression was unreadable. “I’ll be back. Why would you leave? I thought you hated being alone?” I glared at his smug reply and he knew he had won.

“One question” He continued. “Why now? Why do you take interest in me now?” With his final words he pushed passed me and walked out the door.

Even though I have never said anything physically the looks between us told it all. He knew that too but he wouldn’t admit it. He didn’t want to believe it. He was too scared.

I was alone for hours. It was silent and lonely.