Chapter six: Of desperate hearts and childish dreams

I lived in a dream for much of the next week. My every thought was filled with thoughts of golden curls and beautiful sapphire colored eyes. I spend more time in my dreams than in reality, and Mandy noticed. I think she attributed it to her pep talk, and I wasn’t about to tell her differently. And what was there to say, anyway? “Hey, Mandy, I’ve fallen in love with an angel and I’m trying to face up to the fact that I can never have her?” Yeah, real smooth. Knowing Mandy, she would look at me oddly and then pat me on the back and say that she would always be there for me and was I sure Scott wasn’t feeding me drugs on the sly?

Soon enough, though, I had to come down from my cloud of blissful romance and face reality. I couldn’t be with her, no matter how much I might love to. She was an angel, I was a human. There was no way we could ever be together. It was a bitter pill to swallow, but I knew I had to. I’ve never been one to hide from reality – well, not unless you count my thinking I could win when I was fighting Scott – and this was no different. I could never be with Beloved. She could never be with me. That was just how it was, and wishes couldn’t change it.

But it was getting harder and harder to accept Scott’s casual abuse. Before, I’d never known any different. In an academic sense, I’d always known that it wasn’t the only way a relationship could work, but now I had more. I had the taste of her on my lips, the sight of her in my mind, the touch of her on my heart. I could never go back.

It was hard, though. My fear of Scott had grown until it nearly consumed me, and it was nearly impossible for me to fight it enough to do what I knew I needed to do. So I put it off, enduring his kisses and touches, telling myself that it was the last time. But it never was. He kept coming back, kept demanding more, and I kept giving it to him.

In the end, it was Mandy who made me take the step. I stumbled into the apartment at ten in the morning, battered and bruised, showing the unmistakable signs of a woman who had had a very bad night courtesy of one abusive boyfriend.

She said nothing, but she didn’t need to. One look into her gray eyes told me everything she was thinking. I said nothing either, accepting her cup of tea and pain killing drugs. She left me alone, saying only that she would be here if I needed her. I only nodded, wrapped up in my own pain and misery.

I don’t know how long I sat at the kitchen table, staring into my rapidly cooling cup of tea. I didn’t move, didn’t speak, didn’t do anything but sit there and hurt. Gradually, the tears began to fall, and soon I was sobbing silently, still without moving from my seat. The tears splashed off my nose and into the tea, making it even more unpalatable than it already was.

With the uncanny sense women sometimes have, Mandy came out into the kitchen and wrapped her arms around me. We sat there, her holding me tightly and me crying silently and motionlessly for a very long time. When I finally controlled myself enough to talk, I knew what I had to do and I finally wasn’t afraid to do it. I turned to her, not smiling, but showing my gratitude nevertheless. She squeezed me tightly for a quick second, then let go. “Do you want company?”

I shook my head, standing. She nodded and stepped back, letting me have my own space. I didn’t bother with a coat, only stepped out the door and down the stairs until I reached the landing. It’s only a short walk from our apartment to Scott’s, and I was so numb I didn’t even notice the cold. No, I was more than numb. I was empty. Empty of all emotion and all pain, empty of anger and empty of fear. I was nothing but a zombie, walking automatically, thinking automatically, doing nothing that required any thought but that of putting one foot in front of the other. I didn’t think about what I would say to Scott, didn’t think about what he would do to me, didn’t even think about Beloved’s face when she learned what I would do. I thought of nothing. It was safer that way.

He was home, but he wasn’t expecting me back so soon. Usually, after one of his little “episodes” I stay as far away as I can for as long as possible before slowly creeping back to him. But not this time. This time I was going to end this farce of a relationship once and for all.

“Hey honey,” he said, standing and reaching out to wrap an arm around my waste. “Back for more? I hadn’t expected you so soon.”

I stepped out of his grasp, surveying him with flat brown eyes. I wondered, fueled by my numbness, just why I hadn’t done this sooner. It needed to be done, had needed to be done for a long time, yet I hadn’t done it. Was it cowardice or laziness? I didn’t know, and I was in no frame of mind to care.

“I’m not here for more.” My voice was as flat as my eyes. I’d expected as much.

He blinked, then frowned. “Then what are you here for, baby?”

“I’m leaving,” I stated bluntly, in no frame of mind for subtlety or hints. “I’ve had enough of you and I’m leaving.”

He clearly didn’t understand yet. “I won’t make you stay for more, babe,” he said. “You can come back later.”

I shook my head. “I’m leaving forever, Scott.”

That registered, and his frown turned into an ugly scowl. “You’re what?!” he demanded, taking a step forward.

My numbed mind didn’t register the action as a threat, and I stood my ground. “I’ve had enough of this. I’m leaving and I’m going to find a person who cares about me, not just my ass.”

“Think about what you’re doing here,” he warned, his voice low and threatening. “You really don’t want to do this, Sarah.”

“Yes I do,” I answered stubbornly, completely failing to see his fist until it connected with my stomach. I staggered, colliding with the wall and knocking the wind out of myself. I collapsed into a heap on the ground, gasping for air. He stood over me, his tall frame seeming even taller from my lower vantage point.

“Are you sure?” he demanded.

The blow had shattered some of the numbness, and I now knew precisely how much danger I was in. A tiny fragment of the numbness remained, allowing me to answer, “Yes, I’m sure.” It didn’t come out as defiantly as I would have liked, probably due to my current crouched and winded state, but it was enough. He came at me again, his eyes dark with ugly rage.

“You are going to regret this,” he hissed, slamming a fist into my chest. My head banged against the wall and my vision started going gray. I had my doubts about whether or not I would survive this encounter, but it hardly mattered at this point. I tottered on the ragged edge between consciousness and not, and felt myself slipping of the edge. I closed my eyes, ready to accept true oblivion, but it never came. Instead of the angry fist I was expecting, I felt a cool touch on my forehead, one that made me relax completely. My pain went away and my breath returned. I opened my eyes to see her standing there, one hand outstretched, the fingers barely brushing my temples. I knew instinctively that she was breaking every rule known to angel kind to be here, just as I knew that Scott had no idea she was here. She was too perfect for him, too pure to be touched by his cruelty. My lips curled into a smile as she faded, her strength still flowing into me.

Scott frowned, obviously taken aback by my change of expression. “Do you have something to say to me, bitch?” he demanded.

I pushed myself away from the wall and took a step towards him, her face fixed firmly in my mind. He took a step back, and I advanced again. “Stay away from me,” I hissed, looking straight into his eyes. Her touch had erased all sense of fear and pain, had imbued me with a confidence that was truly heaven sent.

“What?!” he choked, more for form’s sake than anything else.

“Get out of my life and stay out,” I ordered, taking another step towards him. “If I ever see you again, I will kill you.” My voice was dead serious, and he could tell. He scrambled back, afraid at my sudden strength and ferocity. I eyed him for a moment, then spat on the floor next to him. Without a word, I left the house. He watched me go. I felt his eyes on me, though, I never turned back.