Your first year of high school is when you realize that the world really is out to get you

Your first year of high school is when you realize that the world really is out to get you. It’s not just paranoia, it’s true. Whether it’s the preps, the jocks, the entire student body, or your own seventeen year old brother; everybody has turned their back on you. That year passed for me a while ago and I’m a junior now, but not much had changed. I was still the awkward little kid living in his older brother’s shadow.

Don’t get me wrong, my brother was a great person. Well… one of them anyway. Zane was a model student but not a nerd in the least. His genius was what got his twin and I in our high-class private school even though we’re nearly drop dead broke. My parents loved him for everything he did, no matter how small. And why wouldn’t they? He got perfect grades, stayed out of trouble, and could probably outsmart Albert Einstein with no problem at all. Not to mention he’s good looking enough to be a model if he wanted. And that was what I had to live up to; me, the boy who could barley manage to get a 3.0 grade point average.

Zane’s twin, on the other hand, wasn’t someone to look up to in any way. He was constantly getting into some kind of trouble, and he decided that grades and authority figures didn’t matter years ago. Slade wasn’t stupid, he just never tried. He pretty much didn’t care about anything but himself and whatever he just so happened to want at the moment, which was usually to see me hurt or whatever guy he had his eye on.

And then of course there’s me. Chazz Heroda Nieko. Just picture a kid sitting all alone in the corner of the classroom, wearing a long sleeve shirt on the hottest day of the year, and you have my life’s story. It’s hard for someone with skin whiter than a cloud and weighing only ninety-four pounds at age sixteen to look like much, and I’m not. I’m not strong or outstandingly good at anything. Even if I was, crazy rumors flying around about me being an anorexic druggy keeps me away from any hopes of being even somewhat popular… or being close to “him.”

Being an outcast wouldn’t be nearly as bad if it wasn’t for “him.” Who is “him?” Only my best friend. Not that he had much competition for the position, but he’s more than anyone could ask for. Ironically enough, he was the most popular person in the school; the king of Kawasaki Shan High. I wouldn’t care at all about being unpopular here if “him” hanging out with me didn’t drag him down. “He” always said he didn’t care about something like his popularity, but I think he does. I almost felt ashamed to be in his godly presence.

In all honesty, I have Zane to thank for meeting “him.” If Zane hadn’t gotten us into Kawasaki, I would have never met “him”’ in the first grade; before I realized what a disease I was to him. I looked pretty girly back then and I guess I still do, so I’m not sure why “he”’ decided that I was worth talking to, much less worth being friends with. But because he did, I realized what having a real friend was like.

Every time he talked to me I couldn’t help but wonder why. I guess not everyone held up on a pedestal is a total snob.

That day, March 27, 2003, was just another day for me to sit in my isolated loser bubble for the entire school day and struggle to get a decent understanding of our lessons, all while sitting behind the school’s king in nearly every class.

I’ll admit it, I’m a little jealous of “him,” but who wouldn’t be? He’s insanely rich, beautiful and popular. Yes, beautiful. It’s strange for a boy to call another boy beautiful, but that’s exactly what he is. He’s the kind of person you have to stare at for a few minutes just to make sure he’s actually real. His dark hair has such a contrast against his porcelain skin and crystal blue eyes it looks almost unnatural. Even now what I’m saying doesn’t do him justice; he’s just too beautiful for words. And, lucky for him, it’s not the girly beauty… unlike mine.

So what does “he” have to do with me? Well, everything. He’s the reason for just about everything good in my screwed up life. My first day of school as a total reject, he was there. The first time I had to go to the hospital because of Slade, he was there. Every time I’d get ridiculed at school, he was there. I probably wouldn’t even be here if it weren’t for him, and there are probably many times to come that I’ll need him to help me keep my sanity.

That day had been just like any other day; his crowd of normal fan girls constantly dragging him away from me just like they usually do, he was constantly mobbed by random people from around school, and every girl stared at him endlessly during class. Well, every girl except Shiloh of course.

Shiloh Hemorah, the queen of Kawasaki. In other words, “his” ideal match. I met Shiloh the same day as I met “him,” in the same class, in the same hour, and pretty much in the same way. She just popped up out of nowhere and started talking to me like we had been friends for our entire lives. That was the beginning of my insane friendship with the person who was closer to “him” than anyone else in the world. Despite being absolutely gorgeous, sweeter than any candy, and being that close to “him,” neither of them wanted to go out with the other. Nobody in the school was happy about that but she refused to go out with ‘him” and he refused to go out with her; not that I’m complaining.

“Hey Chazz,” “he” whispered from the desk in front of me, breaking my train of thoughts. The sheepish little smile he gave me was enough to drive anyone insane.

I shifted my gaze from my bogus history assignment to his sincere blue eyes at the sound of his smooth voice.

“Do you understand what we’re supposed to be doing?” he asked. “I don’t really get it.”

“Oh um… well… yeah,” I mumbled. Every time I say something to “him,” even if it’s only a few words, my mind completely blanks. It had been that way for almost a year and I have no idea why. Okay… that’s not exactly true; I knew exactly why. I’ve felt different around him for a long time and just two years ago I realized what it was: I had fallen in love with him. I always believed that thinking about “him” in that way was wrong, but no matter how hard I tried to push those thoughts away, they stayed with me. And it was something I knew I could never tell him for as long as we both lived.

“Chazz?” “he” asked with a wave of his hand in front of my face.

I shook my head. “Sorry. Um… yeah we um… define the vocabulary words from chapter twelve,” I finally answered.

“Oh, thanks,” he said. “He” flashed a bright smile before turning away from me and continuing with his work. Oh how unfair life is…

I only had to suffer until the bell signaling the end of class finally rang five minutes later. Girls immediately crowded “him,” keeping him away from me yet again. I tried my best to get out of class as quickly as humanly possible, but I wasn’t fast enough.

Before I knew it, Shiloh shoved her arm through mine and led me down the hall toward our lockers.

“So?” Shiloh prompted. A sly grin played with her mouth and she turned her head away from me to say hi to a passing friend. “What happened? You seemed even more nervous around him than usual…” Her eyes widened. “Oh my God! What did he say to you??” She stopped in the middle of the hall and jerked me around to face her. I had never told Shiloh before, but she knew about my sick love for “him.”

“Nothing happened Shiloh, and nothing ever will happen,” I said sternly. “Please don’t say anything else about it… I don’t want to think about him right now.”

“Well he’ll want to talk to you himself eventually,” she said, hugging my arm again.

“Don’t remind me,” I groaned. I couldn’t deal with talking to “him” anymore today. I don’t think I could have talked to him again, even if I did want to.

“He thinks you’re mad at him when you ignore him like this, you know?”

“I know… but he could think worse of me,” I said, stopping at my locker to exchange my books.

“Aw come on Chazz, Cory isn’t that shallow.”

The sound of his name sent a sensation rolling through my body I’ve never felt for anything else in the world. And to think, that’s just from hearing his name. I could still fell the electricity in my fingertips when I felt a hand playfully smack my shoulder. Oh God, I thought, he’s here…

“If I didn’t know any better I would swear you were running away from me,” Cory said with a laugh.

“Oh no, he’s been dying to talk to you all day,” Shiloh lied. I can always count on her to do something like that.

“Really? What about?” Cory asked. His face looked so adorable when he wanted to know something.

All I could do was stare at him with my mouth open. I probably could have said something if he didn’t still have his hand on my shoulder, but I stood there, gwapping at him like an idiot.

Concern flooded Cory’s angelic face. “Are you okay?” he asked, finally taking his hand off of me.

“Oh… um… yeah. I’m fine. I just uh… forgot what I was going to tell you. That’s all,” I answered.

Shiloh sighed and rolled her eyes. “You can think of something better than that.”

My eyes nearly doubled in size at her words. They locked on Shiloh and terror pulsed through me. She could have blown everything! I slowly turned to see Cory's reaction, half afraid of what I might find. Thankfully, he didn’t seem to pick up on it. “I have to um… go to class… I’ll see you guys later.” I slammed my locker door shut and walked away before either of them could say anything else to me. I went to class as fast as I could, trying to avoid talking to anyone; not that anyone would try to talk to me anyway.

Right before I reached the door to my next class, the best third of my family stopped me. “You’re not going to English today Chazz,” Zane said in his naturally calm voice.

“What? Why not?” I asked. English was probably my least favorite subject, but I couldn’t afford to skip and let my grade drop any more.

“The principal wants to talk to you for a while,” Zane said. “He uh… called Mom to come up too,” he continued a little hesitantly. He knew first hand that mom and I didn’t get along very well and tried his best to keep me away from having to deal with her as much as possible, but sometimes he just couldn’t avoid it.

“I haven’t done anything!” I said in my defense.

“I know, I know,” Zane said, waving his hand indifferently. “You’re not in trouble for that.” Zane guided me down the hall with a hand on my back and his gaze straight forward, as if he were taking me down death row for the lethal injection. Considering that I was going for a confrontation with my mother, I would have much rather gotten the injection.

When Zane and I entered the main office, out mother was already sitting in a big leather chair across from the principal. She rose to her feet at the sight of Zane and threw her arms around him. “Oh it’s so good to see you sweetie!” she cried after planting a quick kiss on his forehead. Naturally, she ignored me and returned to her seat, pulling Zane into the chair beside her. “So,” she began with a radiant smile, “what is my baby getting awarded for this time?”

“It’s quite the opposite actually, and this isn’t about Zane. I called you here to talk about your other two sons Mrs. Nieko,” the principal said gravely.

“Two??” I questioned. “Oh crap, that means-“

Just as the words escaped from my mouth, the other twin burst through the door very overdramatically. Oh yes, Slade had arrived.

The second our mother set eyes on Slade, her expression turned cold. I was bad enough to her, but Slade was worse than dying of hunger twenty times. And having us both in the same room, both getting acknowledged for something we did wrong probably made her want to crawl under her chair and have the devil himself take her away.

“Alright, I’m here,” Slade said, crossing his arms. “What did I get caught for this time?”

The principal cleared his throat. “Nothing, yet. I wanted to discuss Chazz and Slade’s grades, Mrs. Nieko.” He shifted his eyes to meet mine.

I gulped and found that the room had gotten hot with a four-way tension. Oh crap… I thought, here it comes…

“Slade’s grades have always been… significantly under par, but we’ve never had a problem with Chazz’s before. Are you aware that he’s failing four of his classes?”

Even I was surprised to hear that. Of my seven classes, I thought I was passing at least five, some of them only by a few points, but I didn’t know I was slipping that badly.

But I did expect my mother to be furious at any signs of failure. Her furious eyes burned holes into my skin in the momentary silence. I could only see her out of the corner of my eye, but I knew she was about to explode. It didn’t take her long to finally lose it. “You stupid child!!” she shrieked. “Why in God’s name have you done this to me?? Do you think I wanted to raise a complete idiot? Why can’t you be more like Zane?? Maybe then I wouldn’t be ashamed to call you my son!”

Against my will, I felt warm tears gathering in my eyes.

“Don’t you DARE cry! You’ve already made me look bad enough!” My mother raised her hand in the air as she spoke and I felt the tears spill out of my eyes.

Not only did I look girly, but I acted girly and found crying second nature when someone was yelling at me, especially my mother.

“You good for nothing little-” she shouted, but she was cut off by the principal’s stern words.

“Mrs. Nieko!” he boomed. “Please control yourself! We do not accept failure at Kawasaki, but we don’t believe in demeaning the students either.”

Zane was already kneeling beside me with his hand on my shoulder, trying to calm me down while my mother collected herself and Slade laughed silently beside her.

“You baby,” Slade muttered, shaking his head.

His comment only made the tears come faster. As much as I hated crying, that was the only was I could vent my anger. “Shut up,” I managed to choke out.

“Both of you knock it off,” Zane said calmly. “You’re getting yourself too worked up about this Chazz…”

“Easy for you to say. You’re not the one getting yelled at!” I said, sobbing even more.

“It’s your own fault,” my mother threw in. “If you weren’t so stupid then we wouldn’t even be having this problem.”

“Alright! That’s enough!” the principal yelled. “I brought you here so you could help your sons Mrs. Nieko, not insult them.

There was a long pause where all that could be heard were my sobs being reduced to humiliated sniffles before the principal continued. “Now if you can handle this in a better way, I’d like to finish what I was saying.”

“Of course,” my mother said with a slight bow. “I’m sorry.” When her head came back up, she was glaring at me again.

“Do you need a minute Mrs. Nieko?”

“Yes,” my mother said, rising to her feet. “Come on Zane.”

“I should stay here Mom,” Zane replied.

My mother stared at him for a minute as if she couldn’t understand what her perfect child was saying. “Alright then,” she said, deathly calm. Without another word, she went out the door and out of sight, along with most of the tension in the room.

“Just tell me whatever you were going to tell her,” Zane said, breaking the slightly awkward silence. “She probably just had a stressful day at work,” he lied. “I can handle this better anyway.”

“Oh shut up. You’re my brother, not my dad,” Slade sneered.

“Not that you listen to him anyway,” Zane shot back. The two look-a-likes glared at each other; one with a superior glare and the other riddled with rebellion. I’d been with them my entire life and I still wouldn’t be able to tell them apart if Zane didn’t dye and style his hair different from Slade and if Slade didn’t wear color contacts. I wasn’t alone though; nobody could tell them apart without their self-made differences, not even our parents. They just looked too much alike, even for identical twins.

“How many classes is Slade passing?” Zane asked, flicking his eyes back to the principal.

“Only one. If he doesn’t bring his grades up soon, he won’t be able to graduate.”

“What??” Slade shouted. “Oh hell no! I am NOT staying in this stupid school for another year!”

“Then you should probably bring your grades up, huh?” Zane said.

“Excuse me for not being a super genius,” Slade retorted.

I felt Zane’s hand tighten on my shoulder as the mask of patience began to dissolve from his face. I was amazed at how quickly Zane got mad when he was dealing with Slade. “You don’t have to be when you try,” he said gravely. “I just don’t want you to fail.”

“Of course you don’t. Because whatever I do stains your reputation doesn’t it?” Slade asked.

“Will you two stop it?” I shouted. All eyes shifted to look at me. I never yell at people, especially not at my brothers. Well, not out loud anyway.

A sly grin turned up the corner of Slade’s lips. “And what are you going to do about it if we don’t Chazz?” he asked, practically spitting out my name. My eyes were on his slender fingers. I knew what they could do, what they have done. But he wouldn’t hurt me in front of the principal… would he?

“I think I’ve seen enough,” the principal said. He had risen to his feet and was cleaning his glasses with a cloth.

“What do you mean?” Zane asked slowly. Obviously he found some secret meaning to his words.

“After seeing you four interact with each other over a simple problem, I believe that you should all attend some type of family counseling.”

For the first time in years, I saw Slade and Zane’s faces share the same expression of sheer disbelief, and I knew my face was a more childish reflection of theirs. “C-counseling?” we all stuttered.

“Yes counseling. Please call your mother back in so we I can discuss this with all of you together,” the principal said after returning his glasses to his nose.

Slade burst out laughing, obviously recovering from the shock. “You actually think counseling will do any thing for us old man? The best thing any of us could do is stay out of each other’s way.”

As terrible as that statement was, Zane and I couldn’t deny it. Slade did fine with avoiding all of us, I did fine avoiding Slade and our parents, and our parents did fine as long as they only acknowledged that Zane was their son. Long story short, we only had problems when we were together.

“Which is exactly why I think you need it,” the principal said. “You should learn to be able to live together peacefully and I think counseling would help tremendously.”

“Yeah, like that’ll ever happen,” Slade said, putting my thoughts into words. Our family had been this way for sixteen years, why would anything be able to change that now?

“I believe I asked for one of you to call in your mother to discuss this.” The principal sat back down on his chair and his eyes locked on Zane.

“He’s right,” Zane said quietly. “Counseling won’t make any difference Mr. Tanner. If anything, it would make our situation worse.”

I sat silently with my mind focused on the dusty books lying on Mr. Tanner’s desk. I couldn’t stand the thought of having to be with my mother, father, AND Slade in one room for hours every day. Just a glimmer of that possibility made my cheeks burn.

“I guess I can trust your word on this one Zane,” Mr. Tanner said with a heavy sigh. “But please, do think about it as an option.”

“Of course sir,” Zane replied. “We’ll consider it; just don’t get your hopes up.”

Our mother came back into the office before Zane could say anything else about the subject.

“Did I miss anything?” she asked.

“No, Mr. Tanner was just about to tell us how Chazz and Slade can bring their grades up,” Zane lied.

“God knows if they even can,” our mother muttered.

“All they have to do is turn in their work, study hard, and ask for some kind of extra credit.”

“I’ve been trying to get them to do that for years!” our mother lied. I’d never heard her say a single word about my school life and I knew she had never said anything to Slade.

“I’m sure you have Mrs. Nieko.”

“So are we done?” Zane interrupted. “I have some assignments I need to turn in this period and I don’t think Chazz can afford to miss his English test.” I knew that wasn’t the real reason Zane wanted to go back to class. Our parents loved Zane more than anything, but the feeling wasn’t exactly mutual. He probably couldn’t care any more about them than a sack of potatoes. Okay, maybe he doesn’t care that little, but my point is he would rather avoid them than be around them. “Can we leave?” he asked, rephrasing his question. Not that he needed to; no authority figure could possibly say no to him.

“Yes of course,” Mr. Tanner replied. “Thank you for meeting with me Mrs. Nieko,” he held out a hand for my mother to shake and bowed when she refused to take it. “You may return to class boys.”

Slade didn’t hesitate for a second to get away from the office, but Zane held me back and walked slowly. My stomach eased the moment my mother was out of sight and I let out a sigh of relief as Zane and I entered the hall. “Thanks Zane,” I said.

“Don’t thank me yet. Mom won’t punish you for this the right way, which means I’ll have to do it,” Zane said.

“Aw come on!” I groaned. “You don’t have to do anything. Wasn’t today punishment enough?”

Zane laughed softly. “Not quite the kind of punishment I had in mind. Calling a smart person stupid and making him cry in front of his principal isn’t a good punishment.”

“And what exactly would a good punishment be?” I asked. Zane was one of the few people I could ask that to without being petrified of the answer.

“I was thinking something along the lines of no going to Cory’s house for three days.”

Normally that would be a disaster for me, but I felt relieved to have a reason to say no whenever Cory decides to invite me over for the next three days. A smile tugged at the corner of my mouth. “That’s it?” I asked.

“What do you mean that’s it? Usually you’re on your knees begging me to take it back,” Zane said. The confusion in his face didn’t last long though. “What’s going on between you two anyway?”

“I… um…” I stammered. Oh great… I thought. Now I can’t even talk about him without getting nervous…

“You what?”

I opened my mouth but no words came out.

“You aren’t in a fight with him, are you?” Zane stopped walking and turned to face me with his arms crossed. “Or is there just something else all together that I’m not aware of?” he asked, arching his eyebrow.

My stomach was twisting into even tighter knots than when I was with my mother and Slade. It’s amazing how such a big hallway can close in on you so quickly when you’re talking about an illicit lover.

“Is there something I should know about?” Zane continued to question.

“I- need to get to class. Don’t wanna miss that test you know?” I said, turning away from Zane.

“I lied about that,” Zane said. “Your test is tomorrow.” He leaned his back on a nearby row of lockers as his eyes scanned my face.

“Well either way, I have to do as much as possible if I want to bring my grade up, right?” I asked with a beyond guilty grin.

Zane let out a deep sigh and closed his eyes. “Fine, you win. Go to class now but we’ll talk when you get home.”

“Are you taking a half day?”

“Yes.”

“What about that assignment you have to turn in?”

“Oh,” Zane said with a soft laugh. “I turned that in last week.”

Of course. I should have known better than to think Zane would wait until the last day to turn an assignment in. I sighed and shook my head. “And Mom still believes that you never lie.”

“There are a lot of things she believes that aren’t true.” With that, Zane turned away and exited the hall. I’ve always envied the seniors of Kawasaki for being able to leave after fourth period if they wanted to, and I felt that envy rising as I watched Zane leave while I was still stuck here.

Every class after my confrontation with my mother dragged by more slowly than time should ever allow. I got three papers passed back, which were all low D’s, and pretty much all hopes of bringing my grades up flew out of my mind. Not to mention I spent nearly the entire time staring at Cory and not paying attention to our lessons.

At the end of the day, Cory caught me at my locker. “You’re avoiding me,” he said simply. It wasn’t a question; it was the truth. He stared up at me with his beautiful blue eyes and I randomly noticed how much shorter than me he was. “Could you at least tell me why?” he asked. I could see the pain streaking his eyes, though he desperately tried not to show it, and it tore me apart to know that his pain was my fault. “Please?” he begged.

Despite how much I wanted to take that pain away from him, I couldn’t say anything to do so. The air had been sucked out of my lungs and my vocal chords were frozen in place.

“Then could you tell me what I did to make you mad at me?” Cory moved closer to me and rose slightly on his toes to be near my eyelevel. “Don’t I deserve to know that much?” The sadness in his eyes deepened as he continued to gaze up at my face.

“I’m not mad at you!” I managed to squeak. Even in his sadness, he looked outstandingly beautiful.

“Then why aren’t you talking to me?”

Because I love you! I wanted to scream, but I knew I couldn’t; I didn’t want to put Cory through the horror of knowing that his best friend was nearly obsessed with him. Then again, I wasn’t so thrilled about torturing him by not saying anything. “I- I… don’t…” I stuttered. The harder I tried to say something, the more the words escaped me. “I don’t know,” I finally muttered,

“You don’t know?” Cory asked. The pain had mostly faded from his eyes but was replaced by a deep confusion. “So… you’re ignoring me for no reason?” he asked. Being ignored was defiantly not something the most popular kid in the history of Kawasaki was used to, and I hated being the one to force it on him, but what other choice did I have?