Summary: After a rough summer, Maria Smith almost two years later is still broken inside from leaving her best friends. She has become a miserable loner, always longing for her relationships with Chad, Shaylee, Peter, and Brandon back. Then one day when she got stuck in a sports equipment room, things change drastically. She realizes that she fell for Chad at first sight and will always love him. She finds out that her former tutor has fallen deeply for her and would kill to be with her, even to the point of dangerously stalking her. She finds out that Peter has been a threat to himself and almost died. With so much drama in only a few days, Maria is overloaded and realizes the one thing she must do to save herself and get her life back to the way she wants it.

Told from a journalism point of view of part one of her life from the end of her junior year to the end of her summer before her senior year starts, Maria learns that there is more to life than being empty inside. She learns the real pursuit of happiness is found in friendship and love, and one must do anything to achieve that.

Author’s note: This is the sequel to the story White Houses. Half of this story was written during the summer before my sophomore year, so the writing styles may change in it. I hope to when I have the time make a full revision on the whole story. I have it untitled because there is so much going on during the story that I could not find a proper title for it to describe the whole story. Maybe when I do my full revision I will be able to think of a title. Anyway, here is the story. I was planning to solve everything in this story, but with so much going on I felt that it needed another story after this. The summary will be on the bottom of the story. This story is different from Come Clean and White Houses because it is darker due to difficult times in my life while I was writing it. However, even with the darker mood I hope it will be a story that you will enjoy, and hope to wait for its sequel.

Disclaimer: I do not own the songs: “Since You Been Gone” by Kelly Clarkson, “I Feel So” by Boxcar Racer, “Hold On” by Good Charlotte, “She Will Be Loved” by Maroon 5, “Nobody’s Home” by Avril Lavigne, “Freshmen” by the Verve Pipe, “Welcome To My Life” by Simple Plan, “Out of the Blue” by Aly and AJ, and “Listen To Your Heart” by DHT.

.Goodbye.

Here’s the thing

We started out friends

It was cool but it was all pretend

Yeah, yeah, since you been gone

Looking back at these old high school diaries is like watching a movie in fast-forward. Everything is going by so fast that you can barely comprehend it all and believe that everything happened just a mere two years ago. Looking back at these old high school diaries is like being in an out-of-body experience dream. You know what’s going to happen next. You wish you could be in complete control and tell yourself what to do right instead of making the same foolish mistakes over and over again. Looking back at these old high school diaries brings back many memories, both good and bad. I can’t believe the person I was when I started high school and the person I have become now. I may not be done yet, but having been chosen an advice columnist for the school newspaper this far, I know that I have to share my experiences with others. That is the reason why I am using my high school story as my expository writing piece and as pieces of advice for my column. I’m hoping that through my story, people will see that making mistakes is okay. The message I would also like to portray to teenagers is that even if they are going through a lot, when they come out in the end towering all of their burdens, that is what makes them the best they can be. I would know. And so my story is about to begin. However, to get to the beginning of this story, I must go to the past…

Two words: Life sucked.

Hey, what else would you say if you were in my position? All the friendships that I had worked so hard on were destroyed, and the only other friends I had were pretty much acquaintances. I didn’t get invited to any parties except by a few neighbors. Even then I felt lonely. It all started back in my freshman year when I dared to talk to the boy I had a crush on—Brandon. I actually got him to like me back and surprise, surprise, I had a new boyfriend! The relationship only lasted three months. Right after the short fiasco, I went out with my former worst enemy, Chad. We went out for four months. It was a nice summer romance, but all summer romances must come to an end. I broke up with him three days before school started. I haven’t had a boyfriend since.

If that wasn’t bad enough, I had managed to lose my best friend of my whole life—Shaylee. I chose my temporary boyfriend over her forever friendship and she dumped me as a friend. The first few weeks of high school were harsh since I did not have anything to look forward to when I got home. We did sort of make up. We talk online if we’ve got nothing better to do. Other than that, we’re just acquaintances forced to be bonded by our parents, who are also best friends. My mother has no clue about the non-existing friendship.

Starting sophomore year looked like an uphill battle to me without Shaylee to rely on. I was freaked out of my mind on my first day o sophomore year. However, it wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. I talked to a few people throughout the day. I went home thinking, It’s not going to be such a bad year.

Wrong.

School got worse as Chad and Brandon spread a rumor about me hooking up with the junior varsity quarterback. People were always coming up to me saying the nastiest comments. They made my life hell. They fed on my misery. It was sickening. I could hear their voices and whispers all around me constantly. I could feel the harsh stares and pointing, the taunting and laughing, and the entirety of the horror. It was like Mean Girls in a more realistic form. That’s how bad it felt.

Luckily, the school straightened out the whole thing, and Brandon and Chad made themselves look like fools in front of the football team admitting that they started the rumor because they were ‘jealous’ of some boy flirting with me. Ha! Yeah, right! So, did they get the humiliation they deserved? Not even close. They just got a one-day suspension, nothing close to what I was forced to go through.

Fortunately, everyone forgot about what had happened within a week or two. They had better stuff to focus on, like who was going out with who, or what to wear to Homecoming. My sophomore homecoming still brings tears to my eyes. It was the dance I bought my beautiful, Cinderella-style ball gown for, the dance that I looked forward to since my freshman homecoming, and the dance I never ended up going to. I was assured by family and my few ‘friends’ at school that I would get asked, even by a guy friend (which was more of an acquaintance to me). The results? Zero and zero for both date and friend. Wanting desperately to get a date for the dance, I stupidly asked the guy I knew who also wanted to go with a date as badly as I did. His name was Sam. He was an okay looking boy. He was not the most popular, but he would do. When he said yes, my heart was filled with joy, only to hear minutes later, when Sam thought I was gone, going up to his football coach saying, “I just said yes to the biggest freak in school for ten dollars.”

That night of October first I stayed home in my room, my radio turned on full volume, and me crying into my pillows screaming as loud as I could until I was told to shut up. After that, I opened the wrapping of my homecoming dress. I gingerly touched the beautiful sequins that decorated the pastel blue dress and its beaded straps. I signed and said to myself, “I guess this just wasn’t meant to be.” Then I closed my closet door. Every once in awhile, I looked at the dress, but it still lied in my closet. I felt that fate hadn’t destined for me to wear my dress.

That pretty much ruined the rest of my sophomore year and even part of my junior year. I didn’t even bother going to the homecoming dance again. When I heard about my fellow Bible study members talking about the dance, I would walk away. No way was I going to be hurt again.

The most painful issue during that time was seeing Brandon, Chad, and Peter at school. They all had worked everything out and were friends again, whereas it was almost two years and things were still very awkward between us. When Shaylee and they were my best friends during my freshman year, I felt so wonderful, so loved, and so happy with my life. I was at a joy I never knew I could experience. And in the blink of an eye, with just one end-of-summer party, all of that was taken away from me. Ever since, it had been too god to be true that at times I couldn’t believe that our former friendship was real. Yet those memories were all I had to hang on to. And they were going to be all I was going to hang on to…until one day changed everything.

A guest speaker came into school one day. Everyone was dreading it, me included. I mean, what student really wants to hear another person talk about the consequences of underage drinking or anything of that area? Well, it actually wasn’t about drugs or violence. It was about how you shouldn’t waste your time. An old woman came in and told us on how she wasted her life living in the shadows and living in regret over a situation that happened in her life in middle school. Her best guy friend died in a car crash, and she had the biggest crush on him. She never told him how she felt, and he died. She lived with regret every single day of her life until she was in her mid-thirties, and realized she wasted twenty-three years of her life living in regret. And that hit me—I’d end up the same way. I did not want to live in regret. Maybe memories were all I could cling to at that moment, but then, almost two years later, I had to take action. I had to do something, anything to solve my problems and show how I really felt. It was the final chance for my soul to be heard; I had to turn up the volume.

Cuz I feel so mad

I feel so angry

I feel so callous

So lost, confused again

I feel so cheap

So used, unfaithful

Let’s start over

Let’s start over

Okay—I was going to walk up to Chad, Brandon, and Peter, and strike up a conversation like nothing ever happened between us. Simple, right?

Hardly.

This is exactly what I was thinking when I was in the same room as Chad for AP Biology each day and not even near him, but still getting freaked out over it.

I looked over at him. I found it amazing how much he had changed. He still had the same blue eyes and dirty blonde shaggy hair. I noticed at school, though, how he became much more respectful for girls and had actually transformed into a gentleman.

Brandon had changed as well. He no longer looked like a cute little boy. He had finally reached puberty and grew taller, towering over me, and his voice was much deeper. Plus, I could swear that one day he had an awful after-shave smell. Despite all these changes, he still acted like the freshman I one knew, but with a little more maturity.

As for Peter, I had discovered one thing: when a boy gets a girlfriend, their egos soar. Peter, who used to be a quiet guy, had come back to Pleasant Point High with a huge ego, talking to everyone, mostly the jocks. Lots of girls who didn’t know who he was were now all over him. He became a semi-popular jock. No one hated him, yet not everyone liked him. He pretty much had it made at Pleasant Point.

And so, the thought of talking to them was so scary, probably scarier than if I did the real thing. I mean, what kind of weirdo goes up to people you haven’t talked to on a daily basis in almost two years and says, “Hi, I’m having a bad life because I don’t have a lot of friends. Can I be best friends with you again?” The thoughts in my mind of what to say and what to do corrupted me for the next few days. I hadn’t told anyone of my plan, but I think my teachers knew something was up, seeing as my head was in the clouds and lack of concentration. They made me think of myself as a fool.

Now, I’m not saying now that I hadn’t tried to regain their friendship back over the years. I had—numerous times. I’ve always failed to so, though. Take example A:

It was after Homecoming sophomore year. I was pretty angry about everything. I decided that I needed them, so I called Chad up one day. I was trembling holding the phone in my hands. I was about to hang up, when someone answered. “Hello?” they asked. I gulped. Too late.

“Hey,” I said quietly. I cleared my throat. “Um, may I speak to Chad, please?”

“Yeah, this is me.”

“Oh, uh, hi. This is Maria. Smith.”

“Oh. Hey.” Awkward silence. Not what I was expecting. I was more expecting something along the lines of either yelling at me or being happy I called.

“So uh…how are you?” I finally asked.

“Good. You?”

“I’m good. Did you go to Homecoming?”

“Yeah.”

“Did you have a good time?”

“Yeah.”

“Did you go with a date?”

“No.”

I cringed. The conversation was not going well. Why did he always have to be so blunt? Well, at least the comforting thing was that no girl stole him. Yet. “Oh, that’s still cool. I didn’t go. I had a cute dress, though.”

“Oh.”

“Do you want to know why I didn’t go?”

“Sure.”

“Well, part of it was because I didn’t have a date. The other part was because I didn’t have any friends to go with.” I mentally slapped myself. How desperate did that sound! What kind of cruel, vile remark was he going to come up with?

“Oh.”

Augh!

“So uh, who did you go with?”

“The usual…Peter, Brandon, some other guys from football, you know…”

Well, at least I got more words out of his mouth.

“Maria, is this about Homecoming?”

“No, it’s not, actually—“

“Because if you wanted to go with me, you could’ve done something.”

“Oh. Well, not like date-date, I mean. I meant, you know, friends-wise. Because I really, really wanted to go.”

“What about Shaylee?”

“We’re not friends anymore.”

“Why not?”

“Oh, you know, different reasons.” I knew I sounded vague, but I didn’t want to bring up any references of our relationship. That would only make me seem like I was coming on too strong.

“Well, why didn’t you go with your other friends?” he snapped. Crud, I got him angry, I thought. Not good. It’s a bad idea to get Chad angry.

“Well, I’m not close enough with any of them. Not like you.”

I heard Chad laugh a little on the other end. “Us? Close? I thought we broke up.”

“Well, I still wanted us to be friends.”

“Yeah, me too. And I tried. But you just kept ignoring me. Kept treating Brandon and I like dirt.”

“Oh, I did? Look who’s talking! You’re the one who spread those rumors about me.”

“Just because I was angry! Come on; give me a break! I’m not going to let you ruin my life, Maria. Just think about how you’ve treated me.” Then I heard dial tone.

Yup, not good. True, I hadn’t treated them right, but all I did was ignore them! Was that such a bad idea? At the time, no. Looking back, yes.

Then, around the beginning of junior year, I thought of that situation and all of the other attempts to regain the friendship. I thought, why am I doing this to myself and to him? Why am I throwing away something so valuable? I decided to meet him in person—as I had before. However, I decided to meet him in a place where he couldn’t run from me, or I couldn’t run from him—the janitor’s closet. The janitor’s closet was significant because the doorknob was so old that it only opened from the outside, hence we both were trapped—for a while. The fastest way out besides someone opening the door is a bobby pin. Even with a bobby pin took a few minutes to open the door handle.

The day came, and I sent Chad a note to meet me in the janitor’s closet. He sent me a look in class saying, Are you crazy? But I didn’t care. I was determined to fix our relationship, no matter what. Eventually he agreed to meet me there.

It was a hot, humid day after school, and being with Chad in a small, dusty room which smelled of bleach made it worse. Closing the door wasn’t such a good idea either, even though the room had one small cobwebbed window for ventilation.

“So,” Chad said when I sat down on a footstool as he sat down on a vacuum cleaner, “what do you want?”

“Um, well actually, I just wanted to—“

“To fix things?” Chad cut me off. He let out an exasperated sigh. “This is useless. I’m out of here.”

“No, wait!” I grabbed his sleeve on his T-shirt but he quickly jerked away from me to reach the doorknob. It wouldn’t open, of course. “Locked. You better have some sort of clip or whatever to open this, Maria,” he said sharply, giving me a death look. Frightened and not wanting to make him angrier, I opened my purse for a bobby pin. As I opened it, I found a cell phone, some pre-calculus homework, a few gift cards…the student ID of a girl named Melissa Chandler.…not my purse.

“Uh,” I trembled, “We’re stuck.”

Chad stared at me, his eyes filled with anger and fear. He looked at me like he was going to tear me to shreds. I felt angry at myself for being stupid enough to grab Marissa Chandler’s purse. I felt guilt for locking Chad in the janitor’s closet with me. I had not meant for him to get angry at me. And I had not meant for after we went out, for this mess to happen.

I looked up from my lap, where the purse was. My eyes wandered a bit, too fearful to look Chad in the eye. I forced myself to, thinking that I’d have to do it sometime. His eyes were still cold and piercing knives into me mentally. “Um,” I said, as calmly as possible, yet my voice still sounded shaky, “I don’t want to go through this girl’s purse, but I guess in this case it would be okay.” I unzipped the purse again, taking the contents out and placing them on a rusty footstool that was placed on a tool table. I didn’t get much out of it—just tubes of lipstick, pictures of some boy who I assumed to be her boyfriend, pencils, a failed physics test…

Suddenly, the door shook. It caused my muscles to tense a bit, but then I was relieved. Possibly it was a janitor to get us out! “Get us out!” I said, quickly putting all of Marissa’s belongings back in her purse.

Then the door opened, for Chad and I to find an angry girl there with the boy who looked like the one in the pictures I found in the purse. I glanced at the girl again. Must be Marissa Chandler, I thought.

Marissa stormed into the room, holding my purse, which had some tears in it and a few blotches of dirt on it. “Give me my purse!” she screeched, grabbing hers and throwing mine in my face. “And don’t you ever steal it again!” She slammed the door.

There was a moment of awkward silence, until Chad smiled, raising an eyebrow. “Stealing?”

“It’s not what you think,” I said quickly, mentally slapping myself for using that line.

Chad still smiled at me. “Stealing, interesting. Never saw you as that type, but hey, people can change.”

“I did not steal!” I squeaked.

Chad’s expression changed from amused to shocked. He held up his hands defensively. “Hey, it’s not my business. Um, can you get us out?”

“Yeah, if that girl didn’t take my bobby pins.” I opened my purse. Everything was still there, including the bobby pins. I walked over to the door and messed with the lock and bobby pin until I heard a click. Then I opened the door. “There.”

Chad walked out, messing with my hair on his way out. “See ya, stealer,” he said, laughing again.

“Um. Yeah…” I didn’t know what else to say to him except try to tell him I wasn’t a stealer, but that would be pointless. I gloomily walked out of the room back to sophomore hallway to gather my homework and go home for another long night.

And…end flashbacks. Ever since the janitor’s closet incident, he’s been either avoiding me or giving me strange looks, or laughing at me.

Then one day in my second semester of junior year, it hit me—after senior year I would never see them again. I just had to find out once and for all what they thought of me—if they hated me, liked me, or even tolerated me. I didn’t care. I just needed to know the truth so I could hate them, leave them, love them, or be friends with them again. Their friendship was what I wanted and needed more than anything.

Those past two years I had felt the most angry, bitter person I could ever be. All of it was built up inside of me constantly and I always needed to let it out. The only times I did were when I was screaming into my pillow in my room with the radio on.

I realized that when I tried to make friends with the guys I always brought back the past with me. None one of us wanted to experience that again. The only way I could win their friendship back, if possible, was to completely start over like I never knew them.

The phone rings

And she screams

Stab my back

It’s better when I bleed for you

Walk on me

It never was enough to do

I can’t get past her

Falling faster

True

It’s better when I bleed for you

…

Chad collapsed on his messy, cluttered bed, wiping his forehead after a long, hard day. He rubbed his eyes and then stared into space for a few moments, his mind blank.

Just as he was about to close his eyes and fall asleep, his cell phone rang. “Shit,” he whispered, looking at the caller ID. He sighed in disgust. It was Halyn.

Halyn had been his parasitic girlfriend for the past six months. He was getting tired of the relationship and didn’t even consider them going out anymore. However, Halyn did, as she told all her friends, so he had to go along with her.

Halyn seemed to be the controller of the relationship. Chad thought that it was probably because she was way out of his league. He often wondered why she even chose to go out with him. True, he was a junior and she was just a freshman, but it still made no sense. However, when Halyn told Chad that she loved him, he shrugged off all his worries about her and just kissed her.

Things changed through the six months of them being together. She became too controlling and whiny. Chad often thought she was using him as a ride for the mall or a credit card so he could buy her all the expensive clothes and jewelry she wanted. Or, one of the most obvious, to tell all her friends, “I’m a freshman and I’m going out with a junior.”

Chad could not break up with her, though. If he did, his friends would call him an idiot for dumping such a beautiful girl. But if she dumped him, it would cause humiliation for him to be dumped by such a gorgeous freshman. And most of all, just the words “Chad got dumped by a freshman” would be more humiliating than him being dumped by a girl with model looks.

Chad decided just to talk to her to see how she was doing and if she needed a ride to the mall. Hey, if she does, Chad thought, I can just show her off to more people. Again.

“Hello?”

“We need to talk,” Halyn said.

Chad gulped. “Okay,” he said, trying to hide the nervousness in his voice. “Yeah, what’s up?”

“I think we should break up,” Halyn said coldly.

“What?!” Chad gasped. “Wh—we—why?”

“You’re a bad boyfriend. I should be dating someone better than you.”

“Uh…if you thought so, why did you go out with me in the first place?

“It doesn’t matter. We’re over. Bye.” Then she hung up on him.

Chad stared at his cell phone, and then threw it across the room. Right then, the phone rang again.

“Dammit, what the hell is she trying to do to me?” Chad’s screamed in his mind. He ran to the other side of the room, grabbed his phone, and snapped into the phone, “What the hell is the matter with you? Why are you messing with me? What are you doing to me?”

“Chad, listen!” Halyn cried. “I can’t go out with you anymore!”

“I know!” Chad yelled. “You told me five fu—“

“CHAD, SHUT UP!” Halyn shreaked. Chad froze. There were a few moments of silence. Then Halyn whispered, “Meet me at the doors behind the old gym tomorrow. I’ll tell you then.” Another silence. “Please, Chad. You’ve got to know. I don’t want to break up with you. My parents do. They’ve found out a bunch of crap about you. I can’t tell you today, but I’ll tell you tomorrow.”

“Why not?” Chad said softly.

“Because,” Halyn replied. “It’s just that…I can’t explain now. My parents are outside the house, and it’s really risky to tell you right now. It would take awhile. Besides, I’ve got to collect my thoughts.”

Chad sighed. “Well, do you want to stay together or not?”

“Yes! More than anything!”

:Then why have you been treating me so horribly then? You just use me to drag you and your friends around here and there! You never gave the time of day for me! Why should I believe you care?”

“Because…look, I know I’ve been a bad girlfriend. Please, just meet me tomorrow. I still love you, you know!”

Chad froze. “No…I don’t. I don’t know if you love me.”

“Well…I just really need to talk to you tomorrow.” Chad could hear her hold back her tears on the other end.

“Okay, but don’t count on us getting back together. I mean, it could happen, but most likely it won’t.” Perfect opportunity to get rid of her, Chad thought. “Alright, I’ll meet you there after school. I’ve got homework to do, so I’ll see you tomorrow. Bye.” Chad hung up and tossed his phone carelessly on the ground. He then collapsed in his pillow, moaning and wondering what kind of mess he had gotten himself into.

…

I, not being there, had no clue what had happened the night before that strange day at school. I never knew what was going to happen. I just woke up expecting the usual day—boring classes, boring life…pretty much everything to be boring.

It was going as a usual boring day for me so far until five minutes before my last class. I got a note from my teacher that told me to meet with one of the guidance counselors after school. Then the bell rang. Frowning, I walked to my locker and got all my homework, wondering what the guidance counselor would want with me. I decided not to worry about it until I arrived there.

At that time, part of the building was under construction. Some classrooms and offices were being fixed, and the guidance office just happened to be one of those classrooms. For the time being the school used the library for the classrooms and old office for the guidance office. That office happened to be on the other side of the building. It would have taken forever to walk halfway around the school to get there, so I decided to be smart and cut through the equipment room through the old gym in our school to diagonally cut through hand get to the office with as little walking as possible.

When I reached the equipment room, I walked toward the doors. Right when I opened them, I was in for a surprise. Someone quickly grabbed me and pulled me into the room. I was about to open my mouth to scream when suddenly someone started heavily making out with me. I became very scared, because I was thinking, This isn’t that stalker from freshman year, its it? I pushed him back. No, I thought, relieved, He’s not my stalker. Too tall. I took a deep breath and said, “What the hell did you think you were doing?!”

“The guy gasped. “I just realized that I wanted us to get back together!” He whispered sharply.

“Uh…what?”

“…Who are you?”

Light filled my eyes. I saw the door open and was so afraid that it was going to be a teacher. It wasn’t, but it was worse—Chad’s girlfriend Halyn.

Halyn stared at us in shock. I looked over at Chad, then at Halyn. “Yeah, um, am I in the middle of something?” I trembled, shifting my feet.

“What is going on here?!” she screamed.

“It’s not what you think—“ I stared. I mentally slapped myself for using that line, bringing back a flashback of when Chad and I were locked in the janitor’s closet and I got accused of stealing.

“Forget it!” she yelled, slamming the door.

It was pitch black again, but I could see Chad smile because we were so close together. “Go a bobby pin?” he whispered.

I laughed. “No, I’m sorry. No bobby pins today.”

“Oh. So…I’m really sorry about that. I didn’t mean for this to happen.”

“It’s okay. Actually, it’s my fault; I shouldn’t have come in here.”

“You didn’t know.”

“Right.”

Silence flooded the room. It was so quiet that the silence had become a noise. It was no longer soothing. Not that it was soothing in the first place, being stuck in a weird, little room.

I closed my eyes. The situation I was in seemed so right and brought back many memories from freshman year again. I remembered the one time Chad pulled me in the library so we could be alone. I smiled at the memory of it. He was so romantic that day.

It was a Friday, a few hours before a basketball game. Chad and I had decided to stay at school to talk with each other, since we were just beginning to date. For a long time, we were just hanging out in the hallways, walking around the entire school talking about everything. Then I got tired of walking.

“Chad, can we take a break?” I asked him. “My legs feel like they’re going to fall off.”

“What, you can’t walk around the school without injuring yourself?” he snickered.

“The school’s pretty big, you know.”

“Not really.”

“Chad! Please?

“Alright. Hmm…come on.” Chad gave me a sly smile. He grabbed my hand and pulled me around the hallways. Finally we reached the library.

“The school library?” I asked in surprise. “What’s in here?”

“A little corner that no one ever goes to,” he replied. We walked in the library past all the kids who were studying, who gave us odd looks—mostly directed at Chad, for being so overly excited about something.

Chad was still pulling me around the library. We walked through many rows of books to the very back end of the library. There was a large pile of old magazines from the 1980s that must have been at least three feet tall. I looked around. “Chad, why are we over by the old magazines?” I asked, raising an eyebrow.

Chad smiled. “No one ever comes here.” Finally his hands let go of me, and the blood was able to come back to my numb hands. His hands caressed my hair and then found their way to my waist.

“Chad…” I was hesitant. I knew what he wanted, and I wanted it too, but I was afraid. “We’re going to get caught.”

“Who cares?” Chad mumbled, his face buried in my neck.”

“I just don’t want us to get in trouble,” I whispered, slowly wrapping my arms around his head, playing with his messy hair while his hands moved around all over me. His hands seemed to have a mind of their own when we were alone, which was both a good and bad thing.

“Maria,” he whispered, holding onto me so tight that you’d think he was holding onto me for dear life, “can’t you take a risk just once in your life?” Then I surrendered to him. I held him strongly to me because I was afraid of the worst risk—not risking anything at all. We looked into each other’s eyes, and I got lost in his eyes as he moved his face closer to mine. It was beautiful. I could almost feel the touch of his kiss…

…Probably because I could feel his kiss. Yes, at that moment, Chad lost control, grabbed me, and started kissing me intensely. I was in shock at the moment, and for the first few seconds I didn’t kiss him back. Then I thought, What the hell. I haven’t kissed anyone in two years.

I wrapped my arms around his neck and played with his gorgeous hair like I always used to. He always told me he liked that. I kissed him back, practicing in case Mr. Right might come along soon. For a minute, I was just concentrating on how well my kiss was, but then I lost control and started kissing him because I wanted him. I kissed him as passionately as he was kissing me. It was my sanctuary, my refuge for what I had gone through. It was not only a gift for me, but a gift for him. I could hear the sparks exploding in my ears like fireworks on Independence Day. They were everywhere. I could feel them in the atmosphere. Everything became woozy and I was very light-headed, but that was okay, because if I fell I could just fall into Chad’s arms. It felt like I was on a little cloud on heaven, and I never wanted it to end.

Unfortunately, it did end. Chad broke off from me and stared at me in shock. I stared at him in hurt. Why had he stopped?

He stared into my eyes for what seemed like forever. The room had quickly become from hazy to tense. I became worried. Had I offended him? Was he using me? Did he think I was delirious?

Someone had to say something. Someone had to end the awkward silence. That was going to be me. “Wow,” I whispered, hoping he could hear me. “That’s the best I’ve felt in two years.”

Chad looked down at his feet, then around the room. I frowned. What was it with guys and eye contact? But then he looked up at me while I was still frowning, so I quickly smiled. “Um, what I meant was, I um…I was just thinking of that one time in the library.”

Chad smiled. “Me too. Good times.”

“Yeah. Good times. I…I guess I’ve missed you a lot.”

I nodded. “Yeah.”

“So…have you missed me?”

“When you weren’t acting like someone you’re not, yes.”

“I’m sorry. I guess I was just pushing things too hard.”

“Yeah, you were. But now you’re not. I am.”

I stifled a laugh. “Hey, it’s okay. At least you weren’t mean about it.”

“Well…I probably was to you.”

“How?”

“Well, I can’t do this anymore. Like, I have a girlfriend. You know Halyn? And then there’s basketball and I’ve gotta keep my grades up if I want to do basketball, and there’s just a lot of other stuff going on. I can’t keep doing this. I’m sorry, Maria.”

“What’s the other stuff?”

“Oh, just with friends and stuff.” I heard the door handle being moved, but I decided to ignore it and listen to Chad. “Just a little here and there, you know, little disagreements and such. And then there’s the suicide notes and Peter—“

“What?!” I shouted.

“Uh…don’t tell him I said that.”

“What?!” Then the door opened. It was the principal, who had given Chad at least three detentions that month for the most random things. I thought, busted! But what about Peter? Even though I hadn’t spoken to Peter since he had broken up with Shaylee, I still cared about him. I knew beneath that preppy jock was still the caring, sensitive guy that I once knew, who was very vulnerable and needed to be taken care of. I knew that he had emotional needs, and I had never thought of what would happen if those needs weren’t met—until then. Quickly, I sprinted out of the small room and ran off while the principal gave Chad a detention for, as the principal said, “Canoodling with someone of the opposite sex in the equipment room.” I felt bad about him taking all the blame, but what was I to do? I had more important things on my mind. Where was Peter? And what was he doing to himself?

Hold on if you fee like letting go

Hold on it gets better than you know

Don’t stop looking you’re one step closer

Don’t stop searching it’s not over

Hold on

I found Peter in the unused back parking lot forty-five minutes later. It had begun raining, so I was cold and soaking wet, probably looking like a mess with my straightened hair frizzing and my makeup smearing all over my face.

When Peter looked up at me, he was shocked, too. The poor guy was drenched and looking extremely skinny. His hands were covered in blood, which made me want to run away in disgust, but I had to be there for my friend. Yes, friend. Well, former friend, but that didn’t mean I didn’t care about him.

“Peter…” I said softly. I sat down next to him. He flinched, and then tried to get up and run away. I grabbed his arm and forced it back down, which scared me more. Peter used to be so much stronger than that. I remembered that one summer after freshman year when we went swimming Shaylee and I would always comment on his gorgeous muscles. He used to be able to carry me while giving Shaylee a piggyback ride. Now that I could pull him down while I felt him resist, that worried me. He had been torturing himself.

But why? “Why are you doing this to yourself?” I asked. I could feel even more raindrops falling on my face—or had that been my tears?

“I…” Peter shifted back and forth. “I don’t know.”

I sighed. “Oh, come on. There has to be some reason why you’d do this to yourself. Have you taken a good look in the mirror lately? Look at you! All you are now is flesh and bones. Your hands are covered with blood. Your eyes have really dark circles around them. What does that tell you?”

Peter shrugged. “That I need to get more sleep?”

I sighed again. “Peter! God, what does it take for you to tell me what’s going on?”

“Why should I tell you?” Peter clenched onto his knife in his hands. “I barely know you anymore.”

“Peter, stop!” I tried to grab his knife from him but only cut myself in the process. The knife pierced through my skin, sending a sharp pain throughout my body. I shrieked and drew my hand away. I looked at it, the blood streaming down, trying not to think about where else that knife has been besides Peter’s skin.

I showed Peter my hand. “That hurt,” I said. “It hurts, Peter. Why do you want to hurt yourself?”

Peter looked at the ground and started mumbling, and I could barely hear him. All I could make out was miss, hate, and shay. Then silence. I began to think. Miss and hate…shay?

“Shaylee? Do you miss Shaylee?”

“It’s…it’s not Shaylee I miss. It’s just, remember that summer?”

I smiled. “How could I forget it?”

“Well, it felt like…I don’t know; it’s hard to explain. But I’ve dated lots of other girls—“

“And none were like Shaylee,” I finished.

“Well, no. Just like, not the way Shaylee was when we were together. I mean, the girlfriends I’ve had lately, they never do anything.”

“They don’t put out?” I said sharply.

“No! My God, Maria, can’t you just leave me alone?”

“No, no, I’ll be nice, I’m sorry,” I quickly said. “So…how long?”

“How long what?”

“How long have you been doing this?”

“About a few weeks,” Peter mumbled after a moment.

“Oh. Chad knows, you know.”

“You bet he does. He’s furious.”

“I’d be, too. I mean, he’s probably just scared, that’s all. He just wants you to stop.”

“But why should I?” Peter raised his voice. “I mean, I know he hates me. I don’t know why he’s still pretending to be my friend! I know mostly everyone at school hates me and thinks I only go out with girls to put out, which is not true. I’ve practically lost all my friends and there’s no where else to go!”

I looked down at my feet. Poor Peter. What had gotten into him? When did the Peter I knew—who was always happy and looked on the bright side of everything—get bitten by the angst bug?

I still had to think of something to try to talk him out of it, though. “Well, what do you think people will say tomorrow when they see what you’ve done to your hands tomorrow?”

“I don’t care anymore,” Peter replied coldly.

Lightning filled the sky, giving the world a momentary fluorescent view, and then it ended and all I could see was pitch black darkness. I couldn’t see Peter or his hands. I couldn’t even see my own hands if I put them in front of my face. It was like all hope had been gone from the world…and it was slowly reaching as I could slowly see light coming back to my eyes.

“Peter—“ I started, but he cut me off.

“Just shut the hell up.”

I froze. How could he be so mean when he needed help? Or was his cruelty a cry for help?

Either way, I wasn’t going to put up with it. I opened my mouth to give him a piece of my mind, but then I heard a car drive up to where we were sitting. The car’s horn honked and Peter quickly stood up, leaving his knife in the middle of the sidewalk. His hands looked better than they had before, but you could still tell they were very scarred. When he opened the door, I could hear Chad say, “Dude, what the—“ and then the car’s door slammed shut. The car drove away, and I stared at it until it was out of sight.

I sighed. I picked up Peter’s knife and threw it at the garbage can, where it belonged, where all of Peter’s problems belonged. The knife missed, making a small, hollow sound as it hit the can and fell to the cold, wet ground. I was completely drenched from where I was sitting. I buried my face into my knees. The doors were locked. I was stuck outside, too tired to walk home, wishing I had driven myself to school that day. For the moment I just held myself tightly, releasing all my problems into my fists, which were shaking, from both coldness and fear.

Splash!

I quickly looked up, wondering what had disturbed the peaceful and grief-stricken raindrops falling from the sky. I looked up, and couldn’t see anyone until thunder crashed. I whimpered in more fear and pain, and felt someone embracing me.

I don’t mind spending everyday

Out on your corner in the pouring rain

Look for the girl with the broken smile

Ask her if she wants to stay awhile

And she will be loved

And she will be loved

For the moment I didn’t care who was holding me, what I was thinking, letting a complete stranger hug me. All I cared about was that I was cold and needed warmth.

After a few minutes, once I was warm enough to function, I ripped myself out of this stranger’s arms. I looked right at him, not recognizing his face since there was a baseball hat covering it, and whispered icily, “Who are you?” I ripped off his hat and looked at him. I frowned. “Craig?”

Craig had been my tutor for chemistry sophomore year. He was one grade older than me, and I’d talk to him occasionally since he tutored me and such, but other than that I wouldn’t consider him my friend. And I would’ve never considered him hugging me. There had been a few times where I thought he possibly could have been hitting on me, but I just tossed that idea aside, thinking that it was way too unrealistic and focused back on polyatomic ions, or whatever he was talking about.

“Maria…” he breathed.

I got a good look at him. He was just staring at me, which was getting annoying. What I really wanted to say was, Hey Craig, thanks for the hug, I’m warm now, and you can go now. Or offer me a ride home.

Instead, being the smooth talker I was, said, “Craig, why did…uh…it’s raining.”

Craig just looked down, and then looked up at me again. “I, uh…I wasn’t expecting you here.”

I gave him a weak smile. “I wasn’t expecting you here, either.”

“What are you doing here?”

“Oh.”

“Why were you here?”

“I forgot my pre-calc homework, and I had to walk all around the school to find an unlocked door. And now, my book is probably ruined.”

“Ah, it’s okay. I mean, no it’s not, but you, since all the teachers like you so much because you’re so smart, they’ll understand.”

He gave me a warm smile. “Yeah. So. How’s science for you this year? Need any help with anything?”

“Oh, no. Surprisingly, AP Bio is a lot easier than chem.”

“Oh. So, um…the reason why I wanted to talk to you was…see, I’ve been wanting to talk to you a lot.”

“Well, why didn’t you?”

“Because when you like someone, it’s hard to talk to them because you get really nervous. Do you know how hard it was to tutor you last year?”

So he was hitting on me!

“And I knew I had to talk to you now,” he continued, “because after this year I’m going away to college in a different country because I want to major in languages. And I’ll probably never see you again after this year, that is, if I don’t do something.”

He too, my trembling hands with one hand and started stroking my face with the other. Then he pulled my face toward his. He closed his sparkling eyes. The air felt thick as I could feel his excitement and nervousness.

As his lips drew closer to mine, I tried to resist him. “Craig, no—“ I started. Suddenly, a longing lust took hold of my heart. I lost control as I grabbed his face and kissed him back heavily. I didn’t know what came over me. This boy had scared me minutes before, and there I was with my tongue down his throat. I could feel his hands slowly move under my shirt, and to my surprise I allowed him to do so. All common sense abandoned me as I surrendered to his body as it began to lay on top of mine. I could feel the rough cement pavement on my back.

Hormones were racing. However, that kiss was nothing like when Chad kissed me an hour before. His kiss was beautiful, despite him cheating on his girlfriend. His kiss had meaning. It brought back wonderful memories of our freshman year. Craig’s kiss, though, was just a form of lust. It had no true meaning for me. To him, it was an opportunity to win my affection and to feel me up. To me, it was nothing but a hormone rage. It was dangerous and deadly for my heart.

After what seemed like an eternity, my lips parted from his. I looked into his emerald eyes, placed my hand on his cheek, and whispered, “I will never love you.” I stroked his cheek and gave him one final kiss. “I’m sorry.”

I could see disappointment flooding his eyes. His warm tears fell on my face. I could feel my own dripping toward the ground. The rain was pouring harder than ever. Even in his presence I felt more neglected than ever. I wanted to escape from the situation as soon as possible.

“I want to go home,” I managed to choke out. Craig nodded, releasing me from my captivity. He held out his hand as he stood up, but I refused to touch him anymore. I stood up, and both of us headed to his car in silence.

“You remember where I live, right?” I asked. He nodded, turning on the car. I fastened my seat belt and looked out the window. Wit hall the rain and darkness, the world looked dead.

As Craig drove me home, I felt lucky that I only lived a two-minute drive from school. When he arrived at my house, I reached out to grab my belongings, only to remember that I left them in the equipment room. “Shit,” I mumbled.

“Everything alright?” Craig asked.

“I looked at him, wanting to say, No, everything is not alright. I kissed a guy who has a girlfriend and a guy I don’t even like, and I feel like a total slut! But instead I said, “Oh, nothing. I just remembered that I left my stuff at school.”

“Do you want to go back to school and get it? The school doors are still open.”

“No,” I replied quickly, not wanting to spend another minute with him. “I’ll just get it tomorrow. It’ll probably be in the lost and found.”

“Well, alright.” As I unbuckled my seat belt and opened his car door, he leaned closer to me and took my hand. “Good night, Maria. I care about you a lot.” He gave me a smile. I flashed him a polite grin, then snatched my hand from his and slammed the car door, running to my house.

As he drove away, I flipped over the front door mat, grabbing the emergency key my parents had for me. I opened the door to find a ghostly, empty house.

She wants to go home

But nobody’s home

It’s where she lies

Broken inside

With no place to go

No place to go

It’s where she lies

Broken inside

That night, I had been home alone because my parents were visiting their friends out of town. I was all alone. On a normal day, I would have been ecstatic. With all of the hard times at school, it felt good to have the house to myself.

However, on that night, being alone was the worst thing that could happen to me. I needed comfort from someone, even if that meant my parents, who I told nothing to anymore.

I went to my room and got out of my drenched clothes, and then came downstairs to check any missed phone calls. The answering machine blinked ‘three missed calls.’ I pressed that ‘start’ button, expecting it to be a telemarketer or my parents checking in on me.

It was anything but. It was Peter. Hearing his voice sent icy chills up and down my spine. “Maria,” he said quietly, his voice cracked. I could tell he had been crying. “What happened…don’t tell anyone else. Chad found out, and he told my parents…they took me away…” Then in the background I could hear a woman yell, “Peter, what are you doing? You can only use that phone to call your parents!” “I gotta go,--“ then he got cut off.

I was puzzled. Took him away? Where?

I clicked ‘enter’ for the next message, hoping it wouldn’t be anyone I had a strange encounter with that day. Too bad that I didn’t have a lot of luck.

“Maria, it’s Chad.” I gulped. “Look, about today, that was meaningless. It didn’t mean anything. I mean, sure it was nice and all, but just forget it ever happened. If Halyn finds out we kissed, our relationship will be over, and I am not going to be dumped by a freshman. And if people find out…well, you…that would just be bad, okay? So let’s just keep it to ourselves. Bye.” Click.

I wanted to cry. Even though he was cheating on his girlfriend, I thought that the kiss had meant something to him as well. Didn’t he talk about how much he enjoyed it with me? And now he was saying that it meant nothing to him? I cringed, trying not to cry.

There was one more message on the machine. I knew that if I listened to it, I was going to get hurt. A feeling told me that it was not going to be my parents. I timidly pressed the ‘enter’ button to guess who it was. I guessed correctly.

“Hey, it’s Craig,” it said. “Call me. We need to talk about our relationship.” Click.

I frowned. How had he managed to call me so quickly? He must have when he was slowly driving away from my house.

And relationship? I told him that I would never love him. And I never will. I’ve always had my heart set on one guy – Chad. Even though I did not talk to him much anymore, I knew deep inside that I always longed to be his again.

And that explained why I had been kissing Craig. I wanted that love again, and at the time the way I thought I could feel it again was to kiss him. But it had done the opposite. Now at home, I felt disgusted and violated.

I hated being home alone then. The house was haunting, and I had nowhere to go. I was stuck in my own house—my dungeon of despair.

For the life of me

I cannot remember

What made us think that we were wise

And we’d never compromise

For the life of me

I cannot believe we’d ever die for these sins

We were merely freshmen

I walked upstairs to my room and collapsed on my bed in tears. Why, I thought, Why did I have to go through this? If only I had just let Chad go off with me at that one party. If only Shaylee and I didn’t get into that fight—then maybe we would’ve stayed friends, and I wouldn’t be so alone. If only that summer never ended. If only.

I sighed as I thought of how Chad and I had begun—how we both knew for sure that we were the one for each other. It was a stormy night like this one. I was waiting for Peter to stop by to help me with my breakup with Brandon, but Chad came by instead. I was appalled. We then sat on the loveseat waiting for Peter to come and the next thing we knew, we had kissed…and then we both knew that we should have been together. I still remember every word that he said to me that night…

Chad was criticizing me of being someone I’m not—which wouldn’t be the first time he’d do so. He was trying to drill that into my mind, and he was getting really frustrated.

“No!” Chad slapped his face. “Here, come on, let’s go to like, a couch or something.”

“Why?”

“I don’t know. I feel like it.” I shrugged and walked over to the family room, and Chad followed me. I sat on the loveseat and Chad sat next to me. At first he was kind of hesitant, then he slowly put one arm around my waist and one on my check..

“Um.” I blushed because of the embrace and looked ath my knees. Then I looked up into Chad’s eyes and smiled. He’s not that bad, I thought. I’m starting to like him. As a friend, at least. Then…why am I feeling all these feelings around him now?

Chad had told me later that he and Peter planned the whole situation out, that Peter would show up late and Chad would come there early, to try to tell me that he liked me. It worked, and then I realized that those feelings were there. It took me awhile to realize that they were there all along.

“Maria,” Chad said, in a very low, quiet voice, “I’ll admit…I kind of liked you in the beginning of the year. You know, before I heard you talking about me badly that one day.”

The reason why I had talked badly about him was because I was afraid and intimidated by him. He seemed so confident and sure of himself, which I never had. If he was, would a person like him use me for his own selfish purposes of hurting me? I hid my fear by acting hostile.

“Anyway,” he continued, “Do you wanna know why I liked you? It was because you were different. You just had this…something, and I can’t explain it, it’s just, when I saw you, you were always just happy, and smiling, and you were nice, and shy but outgoing, and not a big risk taker but still daring, and, well I know this sounds really corny right now, but…I just wanna let you know how I felt. And I’m not a bad guy, like that stuff you said to Jamie that one day about me being a horrible person and me hating you and your friends and how stupid and obnoxious and emotionless I am? Well, none of that is true. You made me sad after that stuff you said. I can be really sweet, and the past girlfriends I’ve had, well, everything just changes when I’m with the person I like. I don’t know how to explain it, it just does. So, does this, like, kind of tell you what I want you to understand? I’m sorry if this came out wrong, but when it comes to this stuff I just can’t ever talk right.”

I was silent for a few moments. Chad liked me? I thought that sounded crazy. To break the silence, I answered softly, “I think so. You want me to be myself?”

“More than anything,” he said.

I looked up into his eyes. I could suddenly feel his feelings for me, but I was a little afraid to so something. But while looking into his eyes, I somehow knew that all along, I had sort of liked him, too. That was why she was talking about him to my friend—I was jealous I thought that he didn’t like me even as a friend, and to hide my feelings, I spoke harshly of him. I wished I could take those words back and was so sorry that I had made him feel sad that one day.

“Okay,” I said so softly that I could barely hear myself speak. Right then, a big crash of thunder came, and the lightning outside became so bright it filled the whole sky and it looked like daytime for a split second. Then, when the lighting was over, all of the lights in the house that were lighting the house before were no longer working.

It was dark. I was alone—with Chad—in the dark.

At first, I was in shock because of the loud thunder and blinding lightning, but then I became filled with ecstasy. I wondered, This is weird. Do I like Chad now? About an hour ago I was crying over Brandon.

I felt slightly awkward. To fix it, I decided that I could get some candles. I stared, “Chad, I’ll get—“

“Shh.” Chad put his index finger on Maria’s lips. “Don’t talk.” Both of his arms were around me, and he moved closer to me.

I was feeling more awkward. I was wondering if the storm was making people feel funny, because I felt that that wouldn’t happen in a million years. Then Chad caressed my hair, and suddenly, I felt something that I had never felt before.

Slowly, Chad’s hand had come to my face. I was filled with happiness, joy, and fear all at once—something I had never felt with Brandon.

Just as our lips were about to touch—less than an inch apart, both of us heard a knock at the door.

And that’s when Peter came. It took me awhile to forgive him for doing that, messing with Chad and my moment.

That night, everything slowly worked itself out. Brandon and Peter came over, and all of us decided that we should all be friends and that Chad and I belonged together. It was a cliché plot, but I wouldn’t have it any other way, because I had felt true happiness that night.

Too bad that true happiness would only last for four months. Shaylee and Peter began to go out, and the five of us would hang out every day after school. Summertime was the best, because it was just the five of us from sunrise to sunset. Everything seemed perfect.

Things began to spin out of control, though. Shaylee had done some things with Peter that she regretted, and came to my house in the middle of the night telling me to break up with Chad before it was too late. I, too much in a state of love, did not take her warning and the next day, I was put in a situation that seemed impossible to get out of without getting hurt. It was at an end-of-summer party, and Chad was beginning to take things out of controll

The party was pretty fun for me. Just lots of swimming and dancing. It was around eleven, though, that things started to heat up between couples. First it was Brandon and his girlfriend. Then other people started making out and touching each other in various places. It was getting pretty disgusting, so I whispered to Chad, “Can we get out of here? This is just getting nasty.”

“No, let’s stay.” I gave him an odd look. He shrugged. “I don’t have a ride home.”

I took his hand. “Well, we can go to my house. It’s about a fifteen minute walk. We can just watch movies or listen to music or something.”

“No.” He took his free hand to my waist, slowly moving it up and down my body. I could feel my instincts telling me that this was wrong and that I should go now, but at the same time it all felt so wonderful and right…

Everything with him felt so right. I felt complete for once in my life.

Those were Shaylee’s words that she had spoken the night before. I frowned. What was she doing in my head? Get out!

“Something wrong, baby?” Chad mumbled as he buried his face into my chest.

“No, nothing,” I said quickly. Chad mumbled “Mm-kay” and then started doing all sorts of things that I really didn’t want him to do. Things that…that could lead to other things. I wanted to push him off, but I didn’t want to lose my boyfriend. And, even though I felt a little weird, I also felt the sparks all around and tingles up and down my spine, moving at the speed of light. The air felt funny, everything was getting blurry, I was getting dizzy. Slowly his hand moved under my shirt beneath my bra. Stop, stop, my instincts told me. It was all moving so fast now that I could barely keep up with him or myself. Already at second base – how much further did he want to go?

I didn’t want to lose him…I just had to do it. But it hurt…hurt all over. Hurt emotionally…

Again! I wanted more than ever to just let go and be free, but this feeling, this emotion, love that I had no idea of being capable of experiencing was just falling all over me. Covering me like a blanket. Faster and faster and…

Then it hit me. Keep going along with this and soon I will be covered in a blanket, and more.

I had to end this. But I couldn’t loose Chad. But as he kept on moving farther and farther and faster and faster, lower until…

“Stop!”

Chad backed away very quickly, looking appalled. “What?”

“Chad, I…” I sighed. Shaylee had saved me that night, but earlier I could not save her. I owed her something. I had to do this. I took a deep breath and said, “Chad, I don’t think I should see you anymore.”

Everything after that was a blur. It was like a dream; an out-of-body experience dream. Everything was looking fuzzy, and I wasn’t sure if that was because of how strange I was feeling or if it was the tears in my eyes. When I think of it, I barely remember what happened.

But I do remember Chad pulling me closer to him, asking why it had to be this way.

I remember telling him I owed it to Shaylee, and that I didn’t want to lose as much as she lost.

I remember him telling me that everything was going to be okay.

I remember looking into his hazel eyes one last time, then breaking the trance away, letting go of his hand, running back towards my house.

And, I can almost remember him yelling “Well screw you!”, me turning back and seeing the tears fall down his face, me remembering Shaylee, and me sprinting back to my house late at night.

That was one of the hardest nights of my life. Just thinking about it brought tears to my eyes. And the worst thing about it was, I tried to get back together with him, but I did not succeed. I could never succeed in winning his heart back, until just recently. And even then, I couldn’t have him because of Halyn.

We were young and innocent, but were were naïve of what was to come. But it wasn’t our fault. We were merely freshmen.

To feel hurt, to feel lost

To be left out in the dark

To be kicked when you’re down

To feel like you’ve been pushed around

To be on the edge of breaking down

And no one’s there to save you

No, you don’t know what it’s like

Welcome to my life

I don’t know what made me get up for school the next day. After such a hard night, the least of what I wanted to do was to go back to where all my troubles at the moment began. I did not want to deal with Peter and his problems, Chad and our stolen kisses, or Craig and his overbearing love for me. It was too much; I could barely handle it.

But somehow I did end up going. I ended up driving, in case something happened to me again. I went to school with bed-head, no makeup, and sweats, but at the moment I could’ve cared less about my looks. It’s not like I had anyone to impress, anyway.

The first thing I did that morning was headed to the equipment room to get my belongings. As I headed there, I was stopped by the school counselor. Crap, I thought. I completely forgot about her until then.

“Maria, I thought you were supposed to see me yesterday?” she said, an eyebrow raised.

“Yeah, I was,” I said, blushing, “but I got a little caught up in some…things. Um, sorry about that. What was it about?”

“Come with me.” We walked through the old gym to an old classroom that was being fixed. She closed the door. I was not comfortable in the situation, being with the counselor, who I did not like, and being in a musty room whose walls were being ripped to shreds and with the floor covered in tiny specks of glass.

“So…” I started, but I got cut off.

“Maria, you are normally a smart girl. However, I have noticed that this year, you have been slacking off. Your parents told me that they have tried confronting you of the situation; however, they say you push them away. They told me to do something about it, which I will. I will keep this confidential unless it’s life-threatening or if you want me to discuss it with your parents.”

I stared at her blankly. That was the last thing I needed—the school counselor getting on my case about my grades dropping. I couldn’t tell her of my awful social situation, and how thinking of it made grades the least of my worries. And I did not trust her not to tell my parents. She was known for being the biggest blabbermouth, according to the faculty.

“Well, nothing’s really going on. I guess I should just try harder,” I mumbled a moment later.

“Are you sure? Then why are you pushing your parents away when they try to help you?”

I shrugged. “I don’t need my parents anymore.”

The counselor shook her head. “When you push people away, that is a cry for help for them. Right now what you need the most is the love and support from your parents. Why can’t you accept that?”

I wanted to say to her, What I need is the love and support from my old friends; why can’t you accept that? But instead I shrugged again.

The counselor sighed. “I am not going to force you to talk to me, Maria, but I highly suggest it. I can help you with whatever you’re going through, and I would like to, as you have dropped from an A average to a C average.”

“A C is okay,” I mumbled.

“But it’s not you,” she bit back. “If nothing’s wrong as you say so, then I expect you to raise your grades back to what they were. Okay?” I nodded, my fists clenched with fury. I quickly walked out of the classroom.

I hated her for doing that to me, getting on my case about my grades. Grades meant nothing to me if I didn’t have any friends to help me study or be there for me. Nothing meant anything to me anymore without friends.

I picked up my books and headed to my first class when I ran into Chad in the hallway. When he saw me, his eyes boggled, and he turned around and headed the other way. I sighed. That’s what you get for messing with him while he has a girlfriend, I thought.

All day when I walked in the hallway, Chad either pierced dirty looks into my eyes or sprinted in the other direction. It hurt so much inside. I still wanted him, and it was so painful to watch him run away from me. Chad once told me that he never runs way from anything unless he can’t handle it. That meant he was unable to handle me anymore. He might as well have shot me then and there, I was in so much pain.

Along with Chad’s dirty looks and ignoring me, that wasn’t the only problem I had that day. Craig began to stalk me around school, following me to each of my classes and trying to touch me again. He kept saying to me, “Please, Maria. Give me another chance. I felt something last night. Didn’t you?” “I felt nothing,” I yelled back, running toward my destination, running into many people as I left him.

I had to say that it was one of the worst school days of my life, and I didn’t expect school to get any better. With Chad and Craig around, life would be a living nightmare. Not to mention, Peter wasn’t around, and I had three classes with him. I began to wonder…they said they took him away. But where to? And how long would he be gone?

I was so thankful for the end of the day. After I got all my homework (I had decided to try that night to get the counselor off my back), I headed straight to my car. But with my rotten luck, that was not the only place where I was headed.

In the parking lot, I saw Chad wave over to me. For a split second I thought about ignoring him because of all the pain he had caused me all day. But then I remembered that I still loved him, so I walked slowly over to his car.

“Get in,” he motioned once I got over.

“But why—“ I started.

“Just get in,” he interrupted.

I hesitantly slithered into his car, which smelled of grease. I closed the door and watched him move to the other side of the car, doing the same.

“So…what’s up?” I asked, refusing to look at him in the eye.

“It’s about Halyn and me. I don’t love her,” he confessed.

“So…what do you want me to do about it?”

“That’s why I’m asking you! What should I do?”

“Hmm…” I rested my chin on my hand. “Well, this may sound crazy, but you might want to break up with her.”

“But I can’t! My friends would call me crazy for dumping her because…well, it’s her!”

I sighed. “At least you have friends to impress.” I set my arms in my lap, and I could feel the tears coming.

“Oh Maria, wait, wait…” He placed his warm hands on my shoulders. “Are you really feeling that bad?”

Then I did look him in the eye. I didn’t care if he saw my tears. In face, part of me wanted him to see my tears. “That bad?” I sniffed. “That bad? Let me tell you something, like has been more than ‘that bad.’”

“Calm down, calm down Maria—“

“No! I will not calm down after what you did to me! Just because we broke up about two summers ago doesn’t give you the right to act like I don’t exist! Sure, thinks were awkward, but you could have at least acknowledged my existence and said ‘Hi’ when I greeted you. But did you? No! You didn’t! You, Peter, and Brandon ignored me, you all having your good ol’ jolly time there while I cried myself to sleep every night because not only did I lose you guys, but I lost Shaylee, who was my best friend!

“And another thing! Do you know how hard it is to walk into school every day and to face the fact that you have no friends? You have no idea, Chad. You have no idea. And you never will, because you’re the type of guy who will always have good friends wherever you go because you’re just that type of guy—that type of guy that everyone will love. Including me.

“And yes, I still love you! There, I said it. I don’t think I ever said that I love you before and meant it, but now I know what true love is, and I had it with you. And I can’t believe I made the mistake of letting it go! It’s so hard to live with that! I will always love you, Chad. Before, I couldn’t imagine my life without you. And now here I am, without you in my life! It’s empty and meaningless! Sometimes I just want to remove myself from the face of the earth!” And then I buried my face into my hands. I had said all that I could say without breaking down.

“Maria…” he breathed, pulling my head to his chest while I continued to cry. He rubbed my back. “I had no idea that you were going through that. If I knew, I would have done anything to help you. I still care about you.”

I looked up at him so my words wouldn’t sound muffled. “I tried to,” I whispered. “I tried. But you were so dense that you didn’t see that my attempts to talk to you were a cry for help.” I collapsed into his chest again.

“Maria, Maria…” It seemed all he could do was repeat my name over and over. It was clear to me that he did not know what to say.

“If you don’t know what to tell me,” I said, “then just let me go.”

“No,” he answered sharply. “I can’t…but I can’t just have you as my girlfriend, either.”

I looked into his azure eyes. “…What? Why not?”

“Because I have a life to live right now,” he said, brushing the free strands of hair away from my face. “I have Peter to worry about, and friends I have to please…not to mention Halyn. It’s all too much. I’m really sorry. I promise I’ll care about you and check up on you, but I’m too busy to be with you right now.”

Immense hatred filled my heart. I couldn’t believe what he was saying. And he was saying it in such a soothing and caring way like it was okay! The nerve! I opened his car door, got out, and slammed it into his face.

And what hurt the most was that he didn’t try to make me come back.

Can’t even call on the telephone

Don’t even know if you’re at home

But to control just how we feel

Between you and I

For no one to steal

I didn’t think much when the phone rang that night. I didn’t even answer it. My parents had finally come home, so I left that duty to them. What shocked me was when my mom entered my room, gave me the phone, and said, “Brandon’s on the phone.”

I gaped at her. Brandon? I hadn’t spoken to him since that summer. What was he doing trying to call me? “Hello?”

“Maria, it’s Brandon. It’s about Peter. Chad told me to call you because he said he couldn’t talk to you. Peter’s in the hospital.”

I was shocked. “What?!” Then I remembered his condition a few days earlier, so the shock dwindled down. Still, I was deeply surprised. “Why is he there?”

He paused. “Sleeping pills,” he said after a moment. He didn’t need to say anything more.

“How many?”

“Enough to send him in the hospital.”

“When will he be okay?”

Brandon sighed. “Well, the thing is…we’re not sure if he’s going to be okay. He’s in a coma right now.”

“A coma?! Oh my God!”

“I know.”

“Well…look, not that I don’t care, but why are you telling me this? I thought you, Chad, and Peter were through with me.”

He sighed again. “I wouldn’t say through…more like, it’s too awkward to be around you, so it’s best that we not talk? How’s that? Is that good?”

No, it’s not good at all, I thought. But instead I said, “Look, that’s not important now. Why are you telling me this?”

“Because only Peter had Shaylee’s number. Chad told me to call you to call Shaylee about what’s going on.”

“What makes you think she’s going to care? She and Peter had a rough breakup.”

“They still kept in contact after they broke up.”

My heart stopped beating for a moment. She and Peter were still talking…so why not me and Chad? I could feel my heart shatter inside me, scarring my mind.

But at the moment I had more important things to think about. Like calling Shaylee. To hide my tears I quickly said, “Thanks, I’ll do it, bye,” hung up, and speed-dialed Shaylee’s number.

My body was shaking as I could hear the phone ring. I was temped to hang up when I heard Shaylee’s voice. “Hello?” I didn’t say anything at first. “Hello?” she repeated.

“Uh, Shaylee, sorry,” I mumbled. “It’s um, this is Maria.”

There was a pause on the other line. “Oh. Okay.”

“Um, it’s about Peter,” I started to say. “He’s—“

“What about him? I just talked to him a few days ago.”

“Yeah, well, you see…I don’t know an easy way to tell you this, but…he’s in a coma.”

I couldn’t hear anything on the other line. I couldn’t hear tears or breathing. “Hello? Shaylee, are you alright?” Then I heard a click. The line was dead.

I wasn’t sure if she didn’t believe me, or if she knew what Peter was doing to himself, and she knew why he was in a coma. I was hurt that she still wasn’t interested in talking to me, but at the moment the only person I wanted to talk to was Chad. I speed-dialed his cell phone and once again was shaking while I heard the phone ringing.

I only got his voice mail. Whether he wasn’t there or he was flat-out avoiding me, I wasn’t sure. The only thing I was sure of was that I still loved him, and my heart was breaking for him.

Listen to your heart

When he’s calling for you

Listen to your heart

There’s nothing else you can do

I don’t know where you’re going

And I don’t know why

But listen to your heart

Before you tell him goodbye

The next day at school, I knew what I had to do. I had to tell Chad that I had to let him go.

I thought about it all the night before. I realized that all he was doing was causing me pain. He said that he was too busy to have me in his life, and the best thing I could do for myself was to let him go.

The next day I walked toward him while I saw him at his car after school, gave him a quick peck on the cheek, and whispered in his ear, “It’s over…for now.” I then walked away to walk home that day.

As this story comes to a close, I must say that this isn’t the ending to a sad story. This is only the beginning of a long journey to finding myself and my friends again. I needed to liberate myself from the past and look toward a brighter future, and there was only one thing that I could do, that I set my heart upon. I didn’t know if I should’ve done it at first, but after a night of thinking about it, I realized that I must do that one thing if I want my friends back, and if I ever wanted to find true love again.

I had to save Peter.

Next story coming up…

After Maria temporarily drops Chad from her life, she realizes that her current purpose to find happiness once again is to save Peter from his deadly fate. With the help of some new friends, she does everything she can to bring him back to life. But, can she succeed, or will it be too late?