After I’m Gone

After I’m Gone

My mother cries often, but she doesn’t let anyone see her. She’ll be washing the dishes on second and then a moment later be crumpling onto the floor in a heap of tears. She cries and cries and cries. I never saw her cry that much before, not even when she fought with Dad. (Of course they fought, all healthy relationships have fights.) She tries her hand at being a gardener and plants roses. I’m the only one that knows that she planted them for me, but my favorite flower was actually lily of the valley. I don’t mention that and just say thank you. She doesn’t hear me.

Soon she’s alone. My father has joined me now and stands next to me and rubs my arm in comfort. I’m glad I’m not alone anymore. We watch her sell the house and move into a small apartment, (leaving the rose garden) and see her cry and cry and cry. My father cries too when he watches her. I don’t cry. She dates a man and I see my father’s heart ripped out. Neither of us are ready to move on.

My baby sister goes to college. I smile when she doesn’t throw her precious life away and studies and studies and studies. She doesn’t call my mom.

She gets a degree in accounting. I’m proud of her. Then she meets a boy. He is a writer. I give her a thumbs-up because he’s cute, but later regret it. The first time he hits her I want to scream. It drives me crazy that she doesn’t hear me when I yell at her to stop forgiving him and to run away. She moves in with him.

He kills her dream. I fail as an older sister and just watch. There is nothing I can do. My father has moved on and he isn’t here to help me. I want to move on too.

My older brother finds faith. He prays to me and I’m glad for it. He is the only one that talks to me. My sister doesn’t mention my name and my mom just cries. My brother finds a beautiful woman and I laugh with joy when they get married. Their son is beautiful.

My best friend Anne gets a new friend. They have fun and I feel betrayed. I hate myself for feeling bitterly happy when the boy she falls in love with joins me. He cries when he sees Anne get married and then he is gone too. He has moved on with my father. I feel a bit unfair to Anne because she cried like my mother, but not as much. Anne stopped crying. I think there is too much crying from everyone.

I find the boy that I should have fallen in love with. He is perfect. He may not be the most handsome boy, but he is a dream. He doesn’t know me because we never met. He doesn’t feel my loss. He gets married too, but she isn’t me and they divorce three years later. I wonder if he will love me when he joins me. I can’t watch him anymore. It hurts too much. But I don’t cry.

I glance back at my little sister. She has become androphobic because of the man she lives with. She is pregnant and hiding it from him. She is thinking about leaving. I urge her to.

My brother’s son, my nephew, finds out about me and prays to me too. I smile. He is a good boy and does well in school.

Anne falls in love again. The boy she loved before isn’t here to see it and I’m glad I don’t have to see him cry again. They move in together but don’t get married. Anne is afraid to commit like that because her mom, the other boy she loved, and me are all here when she is there. She can’t take it. But she doesn’t cry like my mom.

My mom doesn’t stop crying, but she drinks. She drinks and drinks and drinks. It’s terrible. She doesn’t date anymore men.

My sister runs away to my brother. She looses her baby. Then she goes back to him.

My brother is in a car crash. His left leg is amputated and his family goes into deep financial trouble. His beautiful wife is still beautiful even with bags under her eyes. She doesn’t leave when times get tough.

The boy that I love’s younger brother enlists in the army. He joins me soon and he smiles when he sees me watching his brother. He moves on faster than anyone else that I’ve seen.

My aunt’s, Leslie’s, car gets stuck in a snowstorm. After being stuck for a day without food and hope to get rescued, she goes to visit all her relatives that she has been estranged with, which includes my mom. She finds her drunk on the floor. Leslie doesn’t help, she just goes back home. Three years later she gets two dogs and a cat.

Suddenly, I take a real look at what I’ve been watching. My mother, a depressed alcoholic, my baby sister, stuck in an abusive relationship, my brother, an amputee with no job, my best friend, a commit-o-phobic, my estranged aunt, a con artist that didn’t even try to help my mother, the boy I love not even knowing my name. And I realize how sad it is and how much I miss them all and how I wish I could go back and give them a hug and tell them to keep fighting. And I realize that I’m alone, my father (heart attack,) the boy I love’s brother (suicide bomb,) Anne’s first love (hit-and-run,) and everyone but me has moved on. I realize that no matter how much I miss everyone, I can’t take care of them anymore. I have done my share. I wish they will come to me only when they are ready, not now when I want them too (which is sadistic.) I sit down and watch for a bit more, seeing everything that happens after I’m gone, finally accepting that I lost them as much as they lost me. And then I slowly accept the fact that I’m dead.

And I cry and cry and cry.

And then I move on.