Memoirs of a Reporter

They always say that karma comes to get you three times over. It's a genuine fact we all accept, and despite our best efforts, cannot prevent. Even I have fallen victim to karma over and over, but of course It's all my own fault…I am a tabloid reporter after all. Yet, I can't help but feel like karma has forgotten about the biggest mistake I made. Despite my downs throughout all of my 70 years, I do not think that karma has got me back times three yet.

I know it looks like a pointless piece, but if I don't confess this now, then I never will, and the point of an autobiography is a person's life story. So the time has come for me to be honest with everyone. My name is Dana Williams, you probably recognise me as that tabloid reporter and editor. You would also associate me with liar, well a lot of the celebrities might, in fact, about ninety percent of them probably do. No doubt you have probably thought me a liar too, and you would all be right. I am a liar, and no, I'm not just speaking of my professional life. I am a liar. It has taken me years to finally admit this, which a lot of you will scoff about.

You all know who my husband was, yes? The famous Ryan Anderson from 'The After Life of the Party'. Remember that band that dominated our teenage years and defined our lives at that point? Well, they defined my life. I dated Ryan Anderson from the age of fourteen, and I remember, because my parents told me that I couldn't date until that age, which to this day I still don't understand. Anyway, Ryan and I had a very beautiful and strong relationship until I turned sixteen and cheated on him. It was Summer, and I thought that I was the 'it' girl. I thought I deserved better, but I realised that Ryan was in a band, and if they got big, there was my fifteen minutes of fame. We didn't break up, I promised that I would change, but we both knew I wouldn't, and I knew he would get even, which he did, he gained himself the title of the 'taken bachelor'.

I dare say it was difficult to remain so romantic when we were both so sour, and had to spend everyday together working on the school newspaper…which I forget the name of. I remember I disliked the editor, Lynda, because she hated me. I thought it was because of my fashion sense and beauty, and the fact that I had bedded Spike, her crush, and future husband (only she didn't know it yet), but it wasn't that. It was because of my tabloid beginnings, she didn't believe in it, and she preferred the newest member of the team to me, Hayley Wright.

I remember Hayley well. A beautiful girl. Petite, pale skin, fiery red hair and physique so tiny that I was sure I could wrap my arms around her multiple times and still it wouldn't be enough to embrace her. She had the right attitude, the kind of confidence that every girl wanted, and the intelligence to match. She was sweet, she was kind, and loyal to those she loved, but I hated her. It was all of those qualities which made Ryan fall in love with her. I didn't need a threat. I didn't need someone new like her stealing him and depriving me of my fifteen minutes of fame, because by that point, his band were being noticed.

Ryan and Hayley fell in love over the next few months after September of that year, and I could see it before my very own eyes. They were both very discreet though, with accidental hand touching, and thigh brushing. With the meaningful conversations they had that went on throughout the night. They met up alone a lot, insisting that it was to talk about the newspaper, but anyone could see that they were in love with each other. Give them their dues though, they never did anything illicit together, that much I was sworn by Ryan, who ended things with me the beginning of that Summer. It was a very amicable split, I have to say, that despite our differences and complex relationship, Ryan always respected me. To this day, I don't know why.

My heart was not the only one that broke, karma threw it back to Ryan who was rejected by Hayley. She was moving to London, with her Mother and new Step-Father, and she told him that she couldn't wait for him any longer. Her heart was no longer in it. She had fallen out of love with Ryan. I heard he locked himself in his room for three days because of his broken heart, but when he emerged, he was a bachelor again.

Ryan and I never got back together, but he was a vulnerable man, and I took that to my advantage. We slept together regularly throughout that Summer, and beyond, because Hayley was gone, and I was insistent on manipulating my way back into his heart. I didn't know it then, but I loved Ryan very deeply. The thought of him holding other girls like he held me, repulsed me. His touch was so delicate, he could never be denied his sensitivity. He held me like I was the only one for him, but I knew I wasn't. I knew that the only girl he wanted to hold was Hayley. He longed to kiss her soft lips, longed to look into her hazel eyes again. He wanted nothing more than to hold her, making sure he did embrace her. He told me once, that hearing her breathing was enough to keep him alive.

They got their wish four Summers after she left for London. Ryan ravaged London looking for her. He told me we were over and that he had to change for Hayley. He told me that he wouldn't be satisfied until they were man and wife. Hayley had also done some soul searching. After severing the tie with Ryan for four years, she realised that she was in love with him. She had attempted to ignore it by concentrating on her column in her school and college newspapers in London, but she couldn't escape the fact that she missed him. She missed his egotistical remarks. She missed his blue eyes, she missed ruffling his black hair, and she missed the way she felt around him. It may have killed her at the time, but she needed it to keep going. It was a very beautiful beginning to their relationship. I let them have it. I had lost my claim to fame, my easy claim to fame, but I realised that he wouldn't be happy unless I let him have her. I know what you're thinking, how very selfless, but it didn't last.

Ryan and Hayley got together in August 2007, I found out that I was pregnant in September 2007. Due to my sexual freedom and promiscuous behaviour, I was expecting a child. I knew who the Father was, but I was unwilling to tell. It had been such a pointless fling, but I was sure he loved me. I was trying to hide the real heartbreak that lurked within.

Ryan and Hayley became America's Sweethearts. The public looked at them as an example of true love, which it was. Ryan was the talented musician, and his girlfriend was a budding writer. It was the middle class inspirational relationship we all hoped for. Ryan forgot I existed, unless he was writing a particularly bitter song. I never forgot him though. I couldn't, because unlike Hayley dearest, who got various part time job offers while she attended college, I was stuck at the bottom. I began my career writing for a little known internet blog site, spending days and nights writing stories that no one would ever read, and posting pictures that weren't even worth a dollar! I had to support my daughter Alexa, and her welfare, I could never go get a real education.

I had to lurk at the bottom of the career ladder, while my ex-boyfriend and his girlfriend of three years held onto their spot at the top. My big break came though when US WEEKLY hired me, actually looking at my blogs. Through various sources, I learned that Ryan's relentless touring and fame had created a physical distance between them. Her college education was her priority, and Harvard Law School was far too prestigious to quit for her boyfriend. But, the restraint between them was breaking their hearts, Hayley's especially.

"I love him, and I understand that he has to tour a lot, but it just upsets me that he can be gone for so long sometimes," she told a source close to me. Despite the tragedy surrounding poor Hayley, I was ecstatic! I fund myself smirking after learning this. Yes, I still carried a torch for my ex-boyfriend, and I still held my seventeen year old beliefs when I prayed for something to go wrong.

"Hayley and I have decided to get married," Ryan stated on his MySpace pages a few weeks later. My Prayers had resulted in a forever commitment. Hayley wore the ring proudly, silver, with a subtle diamond shining in the sunshine. It was the picture of them kissing that made me snap. If God wasn't going to answer my prayers, I would answer my own.

I visited them on a Sunday night. I remember, because my Mother had invited me to Sunday lunch. She always made her homemade tomato soup, it is the creamiest tomato soup in the world, but I do not believe that since I began making it, it is as creamy. Anyway, Alexa and I climbed our way up the stairs to Ryan and Hayley's perfect little apartment in New York City, the one on Park Avenue, there was also one in Los Angeles and London for that matter. Since Hayley graduated when she was twenty-two, she and Ryan had been investing in real estate for the past year. They stayed in New York mostly, as she was now writing a column for The New York Times.

"Oh, hi Dana," Hayley smiled when she opened the door. She was wearing a dressing gown, and her hair was messed up, like she had been tossing and turning all day. She still wore her ring, which went perfectly with the white walls behind her. She then looked at the small brown haired girl next to me (Alexa had my hair, which was perfect for me). "Why hello there," she smiled, bending down to her, with a sweet smile on her face. "What's your name?"

"Alexa," the little girl said meekly, leaning into me, I squeezed her hand and smiled at Hayley.

"That's a beautiful name," she cooed, standing back up. She looked at me again, and I could see the fear in her eyes, for we had not spoken in years. "Well come in."

Ryan was sitting in the living room, smoking a cigarette and reading the newspaper in his t-shirt and boxer shirts. It was a white living room, the whole apartment was white basically. He shook my hand and hugged me slightly when me and Alexa walked in.

"Dana! Wow, what a great surprise," he said happily, but Hayley's worrying eye broke us apart. I should tell you now that the hug he gave me that day only fuelled my decision further.

He sat next to Hayley on the couch, clutching her hand, while Alexa and I sat on the couch across from them. "So, is this your daughter?" He asked, so naïve..

"She's not just my daughter," I replied. I decided to get straight to the point, like a reporter should. "She's yours too."

Those three words will haunt me forever. Even now, I remember how quickly they came out, and how calmly I said them. I remember how Hayley gasped and how Ryan's hand slipped away from hers, and through his hair, as he tried to absorb the information.

"How can you be so sure?" Hayley asked suspiciously, she didn't want anyone stealing the perfect life she and Ryan had built together, and that I can understand.

"Because Ryan was the only one I slept with during that Summer," I told them both. "I never had sex with anyone else, it was never like that with anyone else."

"And we're meant to believe that?!" Hayley asked furiously, trying not to raise her voice in front of Alexa. Hayley was always so sensitive towards children.

"Hayley please," Ryan begged her, kissing her hand, but he was trembling. "Why now Dana? I mean she has to be about three now, right? Why didn't you tell me when you found out you were pregnant?"

"Because you were happy!" I protested, thinking of that sad documentary I had watched about children in Africa, to help speed my tears along. "I couldn't ruin it, not then."

"But you can ruin it now?" Hayley asked, her own eyes watering.

"Hayley, please don't, Ryan whispered, trying to hold her hand, but she pulled away from him and stood up.

"I'm going into the shower," she announced, shaking. She looked so delicate, I was sure she was about to snap. "I want you and Alexa gone by the time I come out."

Ryan tried to chase after her, but she just slammed the bathroom door in his face. Before he walked back into the living room and closed the door, I heard her burst into tears.

"I'm sorry," he sighed, trying t block out the sobs. Luckily, the running water solved the problem for the both of us. "She just doesn't understand."

"It's okay," I smiled, looking at Alexa who had fallen asleep due to all the commotion.

"So what are we going to d about her then?" Ryan asked. I knew exactly what to say.

In the next coupe of weeks, after I had dropped my huge bombshell on Ryan and Hayley's idyllic lifestyle, everything went to hell. Hayley wouldn't believe that Ryan was the Father of Alexa, and Ryan wouldn't dare say a word against me. As I said, he did always respect me, despite our complicated relationship. He and I had decided that he would support Alexa and become a part of her life. Ryan's own Father had abandoned him, and he was determined not to become that man. Hayley wouldn't accept the new arrangements, and I learned from my job, that the tension between them increased dramatically in those next few weeks. She never wore her engagement ring, and unlike before, Ryan never mentioned her in interviews. He used to be so fond of bringing her up whenever he could. I knew that I had practically destroyed their relationship, and I was thrilled. I had bided my time for years, and now it was my time to shine.

Ryan and Hayley announced their separation a month later, claiming that they had simply fallen out of love with each other. Ryan later told me that she had gave him an ultimatum: Alexa or her. Ryan, being the loyal man and the Father type, chose his daughter, much to Hayley's devastation. She didn't think that she had been so disposable. The two refused to do any interviews and it was a very amicable split, but I knew that they were both heart broken. Hayley threw herself into her column, making tiny comments about it, but it was never anything too hasty. Ryan threw himself into fatherhood, pretending that he would be fine, but I could see in his eyes that he wouldn't be fine for a long time.

His vulnerability and desperation to please his daughter was what made my marriage proposal easier. Ryan was not hesitant when he said he would marry me. At the time, it was all about Alexa, but for me, it was all so he would be mine. We married the next year, a cloudy day in June, it never rained, but it was always ready to. Ryan was the perfect groom. To the outside, it would looked like a romantic affair, but on the inside, I knew he was still hurting. He invited Hayley to the wedding, but she didn't go, instead, she sent him back the engagement ring. It was well and truly over.

I know that you probably think that I'm a cold person, a bitch who ruined true love, but please keep your judgement until the end of this story. Ryan and I never ever broke up. We stayed together forever, as you will all know. It was a very public marriage. We were not as adorably discreet as Ryan and Hayley had been.

Speaking of Hayley, she never married. The years dragged on, and she said that it was her cynical attitude that had men running for the hills when they met her. Hayley was a world famous columnist by this point. She was incredibly influential, and remained America's Sweetheart. Everyone hated me, and probably still do.

Ryan and I never had anymore kids. I don't know why. Our marriage revolved around our schedules. We were really only there to give each other a kiss goodnight and to boost each other's ego when we needed it. Alexa grew up into a perfect family though, that was our main priority, well his anyway. My fantasy about eventual love never came true, I don' think. Ryan did always respect me yes, but I doubt he really loved me. His kisses were empty, and when he held me or made love to me, it seemed a forced effort. It broke my heart, but I told myself that it was the best I was going to receive. In time, I grew to accept our shortcomings.

I learned also that Ryan and Hayley never stopped talking. Ryan told me that it helped him achieve closure. I found out when I noticed him writing her a birthday card for her fortieth birthday. There was a cigarette resting in his ashtray on the coffee table, and he looked so deep in thought when I seen him.

"Why don't you go see her?" I asked him, "You know where she lives." I was trying to be understanding and supportive when I suggested this.

"Nah," he shook his head. "We don't see each other, it's only ever cards. Not letters, just birthday cards, or holiday cards. It's easier." He stood up, the card in his hand, and kissed me quickly on the cheek. "I'm going to post this, I'll be back in a bit."

Ryan never told me where he went. He always said that he would be home 'in a bit'. I never asked where he went, and I still don't know to this day. He never went to see Hayley, I knew that much. They never seen each other again after they broke up.

Ryan died two years ago, as I'm sure you all know. He died of a heart attack, which some of you might not know, because I didn't want anyone to know. I felt that his death didn't need to be made public. I know, how ironic, considering what was my occupation. I miss Ryan terribly, but he's in a better place. Maybe now he's found the peace he really deserved. We lived a very peaceful life, and had a fairly happy marriage, but I know it wasn't enough for him. I held my tongue though. In fact, I haven't ever mentioned these thoughts until now.

You might also know that Hayley Wright passed away just over a year ago. She died of a stroke, which is common knowledge, because The New York Times told everyone, to commemorate her memory. People are still mourning her today. She was truly an inspiration to everyone. Hayley wrote about romance and relationships until she died. It's such a courageous thing to do, especially when your own heart never mended. I hope to God she's found the peace she also deserved.

You know, they asked me for years to write an auto-biography. After all, I'm Dana Williams, world famous tabloid journalist. I've discovered stories that you will always remember, and I know that. As you've noticed, I've barely mentioned my professionalism throughout this story, that is because this is not about my professional life. This is my personal life, and this story is vital to understanding my life. I couldn't write this book until Ryan and Hayley both died. You're probably wondering why, as did Ryan, I said to him; "It's because my life hasn't been eventful enough." I think that's true, but it's not the reason I put of writing the book. Oh no, there's a far worse reason for that.

It's taken me so long to admit to, and during my marriage I blocked it out. As much as I tried to convince myself I wasn't as bad as I thought, I knew I was deluding myself. You see, I was desperately in love with Ryan Anderson, and jealous at the prospect of him finally finding his soul mate. Not only did I want his soul mate to be me, I didn't want his happiness if mine wasn't satisfied. If that meant hurting the both of them, I was willing to do it. That is the spiteful person I am. I'm hesitating about writing this part now, but I've come this far, so I must go the extra bit further, to help you understand why karma still needs to get me.

You remember when I got pregnant, right? I told you that I always knew who the Father was, well I was telling you the truth when I said that, but I was lying when I told Ryan who the Father was. Hayley was right. You hate me now, I know it. The thing is, I always knew, I didn't come to realise it in time, I was spiteful enough to lie from the very beginning. The Father of Alexa is a man called Alex, I don't remember his second name, it was a very pointless fling. I think, perhaps I always planned this, I was determined to get my man back, and when God refused to grant me it, I gave myself my wish. I gave myself my wish, at the cost of two people's lives.

I was ready to tell Ryan on the day I discovered that he was still sending her cards. I wanted to tell him so badly, but I couldn't. It wasn't for Alexa's sake anymore, she was twenty, and attending college near our home. She didn't need her two parents united anymore. She was old enough to accept the fact that some things don't work out. Yet, I still couldn't tell him, I was In love with him. I couldn't afford to divorce him, not when I had painted our marriage as a perfect picture. I simply had to live with my secret pain.

There's no point telling you how much I regret what I did, because words can't describe it, and believe me, my guilt has sustained since the moment I uttered the lie. I could never tell them what I did, not after all those years. The thing that hurts me most, is the fact that they were both deprived of each other. Ryan may have had someone to accompany him on his road to life, but Hayley didn't. She had relationships yes, but nothing lasting. She spent her last years with friends. She gave up on love when she was thirty-five, so she told her readers on her last birthday before her death. I desperately wanted to tell her the truth after Ryan died, but what joy would she gain? He was dead, and even though she would be proved right, it would be a wasted confession. I never did put things right with Hayley, and that still hurts me, it will always hurt me.

I do not know how Alexa will take this truth. I never did tell her either. She's married now, as you all know, and I feel that this lie will disrupt her whole life. She'll think me evil, I know she will. She told me, when she had just started college, that she knew her Father was depressed, and she asked me why. She said that she had met her friends' Fathers, and they always smiled. They didn't sit in silence for an hour everyday, reflecting on their stupid mistakes.

"I wish I could make him happy," she cried to me. She did make him happy. I believe that she was the only reason he stuck it out with me, although I don't think that's the kind of happiness she wanted to cause, but she has to know. I dread when she reads this, I doubt she'll understand, I bet my life she won't understand.

I have been told now, that despite her success and fame, Hayley was never satisfied. Friends say that she was forever waiting on something else to happen. She waited as you would when watching a film, but it never came. She remained dissatisfied and sad. Her friends say that they think she was waiting on Ryan Anderson to come back to her. I don't think this is true. I know this is true.

I can only hope that they have finally found each other in the after life. I want to believe they have, because to be honest with you, it blocks out my guilt for a while, but I cannot escape the fact that I prevented two soul mates from spending their lives together, like they were destined to.

So yes, I am a liar. A spiteful one at that. I know this confession won't increase my popularity. In fact, I know it'll make me public enemy number one. After all, we are a society living in romantic fantasy, and here I am. The woman who cost two people happiness. I'm not afraid of the outcry which will arise from this book. I'm not even afraid of my death. I am afraid of having to face Ryan and Hayley in the after life. The thought of that chills me to the bone, but it is the feeling I deserve, I know. So now you see, perhaps this is karma. Perhaps it has been with me my whole life, plaguing me with guilt and fear. Karma, it has to be the most spiteful and evil thing to exist, worse than me in fact, and believe me, that is a hard thing to achieve.