Between Doors

I sat there, confusion running through my head thoughts dancing about like crazed gymnasts out to perform impossible feats. My nerves were fizzling and it felt like my stomach was going to implode, taking this gut-wrenching feeling with it.

Knock, Knock...

I could hear a knock at the door, my hands sweating pellets. I awkwardly went to the door, trying to calm myself, telling myself it was alright. As my hands touched the metal of the door handle, they slipped and I was left grasping for the knob. I inhaled deeply as I finally opened the door, calming myself, readying myself for what was about to happen, what I was about to face. The door swung open and I came face to face with him and all the energy trapped in my body started sparking around my stomach. He stood there in silence, his brown eyes piercing my own, boring deep into them, freezing but warming my insides.

"What do you want? If it's about the lab, I think I was able to figure out the calculations," I said, my voice squeaking out the sentences. He remained quiet, studying my features, watching me stutter out my lines. He had no idea about his effect on me; he just thought I was acting.

"I think if we just reverse the equation," I continued, "and factor in a resistance force then I believe that we would be able to..."

Then came the moment as his face inched closer to mine, but I couldn't stop my voice as it was my only safety net that kept me from falling completely.

"Generate a practical answer that would make..."

My voice was suddenly cut off by his mouth, just inches before mine and then on mine for a brief moment, and then it was gone, leaving him looking at me, question in his eyes. I, though, couldn't stop my voice.

"The most sense in this type of lab. I think if we just talk to the TA though, we may be able to find a more simpler..."

And there it was gone again, cut off by his mouth. It was longer this time, more than a few seconds, his mouth moving over mine. I could feel his hand reach my face, its warmth brought me back to reality and the task at hand. I made myself tug away, loosing that warm connection. My heart was beating rapidly and I found myself gasping for air. I separated myself from him with a few steps, hand touching my lips, body shaking with confusion. My trained my eyes on the ground, staring at the stained carpet, refusing to meet his eyes.

We stood in a silence that permeated the room, hearts racing and eyes that refused to meet.

"Why do you talk so much?" He finally said, his voice shakier than normal.

"Nerves I guess," I replied, attempting to hold my voice.

"Are you nervous when I'm around?" He questioned. I could feel his eyes on me, but I still could not look up.

"I...I guess, I mean not usually..."I mumbled.

Then there was silence. I dared not look at his face. I could hear the mingling noise of our breathing in the silent room.

"Good, because well," he paused, "... I feel the same way, but only with you." I raised my eyes to look at his. My heart slowed down, it felt like time stood still.

"Really?" I choked out.

"Yeah... I like ... you."

I felt my heart flutter, only for a moment as my feet guided me towards him. As I approached him, I could feel his eyes trained on me. I stopped in front of him and looked up into his eyes.

"Good...because I feel the same about you."

With that I pressed my lips against him for an awe-inspiring kiss. I could feel his hands wrap themselves around me, pressing my body into his. I couldn't think; my mind just froze, my body fizzing with electricity.

"And cut!" said the director.

I could feel his body detach from mine, his warmth leaving me, causing my body to shiver.

"Good job guys, I think that's a wrap."

The moment was over, vanishing into eternity, to be kept close to my heart and replayed in the hours I will lay awake tonight.

"Ok we will pick it up tomorrow from the scene at the coffee shop."

I need to leave.

The walls are closing in.

Is it me or is it really hot in here?

I numbly picked up my bag and fled the room, briefly nodding at Kelly, the director, making no eye contact with anyone. I needed to get away. Luckily my dorm room was close, about a five minute walk. As I pushed open the doors to the outside, I could feel the cool winter breeze hit me like a wave, crashing into me, suffocating me. My mind was a mess; no straight thoughts seemed to appear in my mind, only the memories of him plaguing me.

Damn him, he wasn't supposed to make me feel like this.

Kelly said she needed help with a movie, a script she wrote and wanted to produce for a class. I thought I was being helpful; I hate being helpful. Apparently I was the right person for the part; who knew I could act. I thought it would be fun, but then he walked in the door all aloof and mysterious. He was some guy that she knew from back home, some family friend she knew that was available. He scared me at first, quiet as a mouse unless reciting lines, but oh, he could act. First time we did a scene, I could feel my body melt into a little puddle on the floor. His eyes...

They made you faint.

Then we started to talk, to get to know each other. He wasn't scary, just shy, or something; he just didn't like to talk until he knew you. When we finally talked, we talked about all the things under the sun. Favourite colour, ice cream, books, movies, philosophers, our views on life, so many different topics. Whenever he had something important to say, he would look me in the eyes and tell me, make me feel like the only person in the room.

Then I fell.

Fell so deeply in lust or like or maybe even love that I joined those girls that wanted him. I could never be one of them, those that searched for his attention, living in it, breathing in it.

It just wasn't me.

I didn't plan to fall; I was doing well, passing all my courses in university and generally happy. Well maybe not happy, but at least blissfully ignorant of what I was missing.

He had to ruin that.

I finally reached my room, my feet treading on the soft carpet as I entered. I slipped off my soggy shoes, shutting the door, and flung my bag somewhere. I lay down on my bed, enveloping my confused body into its warm comfort.

"FUCK!"

My mind was swimming, a fish bowl of thoughts, not one standing out in my head. He had started it, this uncomfortable feeling, that made me want to hide in a corner or jump him at any chance I could get. I was a hormonal teenager again, wanting what I knew I could not have, lusting over the impossible. I thought I was mature, over all those silly school girl crushes. It seems, though that it was a façade of intense innocence that I was living under, one where I thought I was better than that.

Great, now I have become bitter, something new to add to the insanity.

It was fucked up in all ways possible. I got to touch him and kiss him because of the movie, which was amazing, but it wasn't real and all those moments with him, doing those scenes reminded me of what I was missing. Guys like that don't go for girls like me, the ones that sit at the front of the class, that answer all the questions. They go for the ones with the beautiful hair and the breathtaking smile, the ones that are center stage, not back stage.

I just wasn't it.

It killed me to think that this pain might never go away, that I would somehow be trapped under his spell forever. I had to slowly work through it, find something else to occupy my thoughts, like books, which did for a time.

Until he took them away from me.

I would read books on set, between scenes in which I was not needed, while Kelly would go and fuss over someone else, trying to make them perfect. He would grab the book out of my hands, trying to figure out what I was reading as it was a new one every time.

I spent a lot of time reading; it got my mind out of my head.

He would joke about them, telling me to read something contemporary, and when I did, he would ask me to discuss them with him, staring me in the eyes, making me lose focus and say something odd. That ruined books for me, I saw him in each one.

Now I sound like a stalker.

I simply just recognized what he would like or dislike in each one.

I need to get a hobby.

I need to go outside.

I pulled on my shoes, stuffing each foot into their pre-tied little sectors. I grabbed my keys and exited my door, keys jingling the whole time. I had issues closing the lock as it seems that my fingers had become unsteady, shaking under my mental anguish. As I reached the outside, I felt calm wash over me, the fresh air filling my lungs like morphine for my aching heart. I had become so wrapped in the plot I was in that I felt like I could no longer remember the outside world.

I strolled throughout campus, watching squirrels dart in and out of the bushes, reminding me of little live stuffed animals. I finally sat down on a bench that faced the lake on campus. We were lucky to have it and its glistening beauty, but the winds that would come off it in winter could blow even the largest man away.

"Can I sit here?" said a voice.

I looked up, and surprise, surprise, guess who it was, it was the all powerful him. In that moment I wanted to disappear, so I wouldn't have to deal with him.

I dignified him with a nod, because I didn't trust my voice to work. I could hear him sit down on the bench, but I could not look at him, as the memory of kissing him was all too fresh. Silence descended upon our little scene for a few moments.

Then he started to tap nervously on the side of the bench.

Tap, tappidy-tap!

Tap!

Tap!

I looked at him, and he stopped.

Then he started to move his foot up and down, sending vibrations into the bench.

It was annoying.

"Can I help you?" I finally said, looking directly at him.

He stopped, but continued to look at me.

Then his mouth was on mine.

WTF?

I could feel his hand in my hair, on my face, but I was frozen out of surprise. He finally pulled back, after he realized he could illicit no response from me. My mind was still ZB29 wrapping itself being kissed by him and did not have enough power to actually command my mouth to move. I sat there in frozen silence, millions of thoughts rushing through my mind. I could feel him staring at my face, attempting to judge my expression.

"Sorry, I shouldn't have done that...I mean...I don't really know," he mumbled out, words racing, hand running through his hair.

I stayed silent.

"Yeah... I'm just going to go...see you later.."

I couldn't move my brain only half heard what he said as it was still in shock from the kiss. My hands were sweating, heart attempting to escape my chest with a battering ram.

I watched him walk away, retreating into the oncoming darkness.

He kissed me...

HE KISSED ME!

Suddenly everything was clear, or something, I just knew I had to do something before the moment passed.

Go get him!

I felt my feet, moving, touching the ground, tearing through the park. The wind cut into my cheeks, my body nearly sent hurling towards the ground as I rounded a corner. I passed lampposts that littered the park, trees and grass just a blur to my eyes. Then I saw him, walking away, shoulders hunched.

I wanted to call out, but my voiced failed. I kept going towards him, ever nearing his figure.

Then I was in front of him, gasping for air.

"Hi..." I coughed as I caught my breath.

He stared.

I stared.

We stood there in silence, as my laboured breathing slowly returned to normal.

DO SOMETHING.

My body resisted what my heart wanted me to do. My body and heart were in internal turmoil that threatened to break free into verbal diarreah.

"Oh, fuck it," I said.

And I kissed him, stepping forward, planting my lips on his.

No response.

Maybe I was doing it wrong, it's not like I have had a lot experience.

Then his lips started to move, and he wrapped his arms around me. I smiled into his mouth and I could feel him smiling too. His arms drew me close and I placed my arms around his neck.

It was almost perfect, because if this was perfection then it would be raining, and romantic music would be playing in the background.

I finally stepped, back, grasping for air, hair a bit tussled.

"We are both idiots, aren't we?" I said.

He smiled.

"Maybe not idiots, but rather oblivious."

"Is that so?"

"I have a bit of a thing for you."

I smiled at him.

"A bit of a thing?"

"Ok, a large thing for you."

"That sounds a bit awkward."

He laughed.

"I have a big thing for you too," I responded.

And then he kissed me.

Thanks everyone for reading! This I would say is the most personal of my works (and no this never happen to me, its more like the emotion in it). Anyways, I would love to thank my lovely beta-reader Aidrianna! Please tell me what you think of it.

r-w