Father-figure

I’ve always considered him as the father of one of my team members. Nothing more, nothing less. His son has these gorgeous blue eyes, that he has inherited from his father- I noticed that today when I sat next to him, making my homework while the rest of my team was talking and having fun and I tried to act normal.

My parents are divorced, just to let you know. It has been four years since I made the decision never to see my biological father again because I hated (and still hate) him for what he had done to my mother and me. I told everybody around me that I could have a perfect life even without a father, whilst some annoying psychiatrists (friends from friends from friends) said I really needed a father, or at least someone I could consider to be my father. I always thought that was bullshit, that is, until last week.

Last week I had to play tennis, at my own club, but my biological father also participated in the event. I first refused to go, but a girl from my team had a test week coming and she didn’t want to play tennis. So that was how I ended up playing tennis when he was there too. I hated it, I stayed in the shadows and out of view the whole day. The father of a boy from my team was the one keeping an eye of everything if there would be discussion etc on the tennis court, so he also made sure my father wouldn’t come too close to me. I really liked that generosity, and I thanked him with a smile.

Now, that’s when I started to think things over, until today. It was weird, I was a kind of looking forward to seeing him again, but I couldn’t explain why. I was happy when I saw him and said hello and everything, but of course I couldn’t draw the attention so I just acted normal. The thing was, I really wanted to talk about stuff with him, and have fun, and do nice things together. Not in a way that I was in love with him (God, no), but I wanted to do the things a normal human being would do with his or her dad. You know, the fun things, without having to worry about homework or any other problem.

Today, when I was playing a match, I saw him watching me and sometimes cheering. The thing is, I hate it if people cheer, but with him, I didn’t really care. I wanted him to be proud of me, so I wanted to win the match and show him I can really do anything, if only I really want it.

I did not win the match and I did not make him proud. After the match, I was pissed off and I was struggling with myself, trying not to show anyone how I felt. Especially not to him.

So yeah, now I’m home, I don’t know why I thought these things, but they felt pretty good and normal, too. Maybe I’m going crazy, maybe I’m already insane (there’s a good chance of that) and I’m just thinking stupid things, but I already know I will do my everything to make sure he can be proud of me the next time I play a match. Just for the sake of a father being proud of a kid.