Getting Readers to Read Your Story for Dummies

A Parody

Are you tired of never receiving reviews or hits for your epic masterpiece of a story? Does browsing through FictionPress and viewing the stories with 1000+ reviews make you simply green with envy? Then you’ve come to the right place. In the following paragraphs, I shall instruct you, young grasshopper, in the sly and cunning ways of practically forcing an innocent bystander to click on your story.

First off, the key to a successful story is putting it in the Romance category of FictionPress. Seriously, who visits FictionPress except sad, emotional teenage girls who wish to live their unfulfilling love lives through the shy, unattractive heroines that so many authors on this site seem to offer? Even if your story has not a whit of romance in it, put it there anyway, if you ever want anyone to at least acknowledge its existence. While you’re at it, at least make the summary sound semi-romantic as well, so you can fool the semi-intelligent readers into reading it.

Got your story in the Romance category yet? After that, insert a vampire into both your summary and story somewhere. The vampire must be an incredibly sexy male who is passionately in love with the ugly heroine, but other than that, you’re free to do what you like with Sexpot McFangs. Also, be sure to go into excruciating detail into his amazingly attractive appearance. Here is an example: “The blood dripped sensually from the vampire’s full lips. My eyes roamed over his chiseled face, with its strong jaw, high cheekbones, and icy blue eyes. Unable to stop myself, my gaze continued down his long, lean body. I could see the muscles of his washboard abs ripple in the moonlight underneath his tight, black shirt….” Do you get the picture yet? In fact, feel free to use similar descriptions towards all males that may be in your story. You’ll have the fangirls drooling all over him and you. Well, mostly him.

Thirdly, have you ever seen a story with 1000+ reviews that doesn’t have at least 1000000+ words to go along with it? Exactly. Size matters over both stamina and technique. It’s not too important for you to have well-written and interesting prose throughout the story, as long as it is huge. Be sure to check that Word Count feature of Microsoft Word often. If it’s under 1000000 words, no one will read it. Having trouble reaching this goal? Just fill it with meaningless description that has really nothing to do with the story. Feel free to overly describe the same male protagonist repeatedly. This way, you’ll kill two birds with one stone: you have achieved both the hot male protagonist quota and the length.

Well, that’s it for this first installment of How to Make Someone Want to Read Your Story. It’s pretty short, so I doubt anyone will read it, but my hot vampire description is sure to garner a few fans. Tell your friends.

And I hope I didn’t offend anyone with my sarcasm. Don’t take it too seriously folks.