Getting Readers to Read Your Story for Dummies

The Edition Where Paolini is a Genius

Fantasy is quite a popular genre on FictionPress. It has even more stories than Romance (though much less of a readership, see Chapter One for more information on this), and here, I will instruct you, my apprentices, on how to do fantasy right. After all, I keep referring to the future epic masterpieces that shall be born from my advice, and what is more epic and masterpiece-esque than fantasy?

To begin, the names in fantasies must always be outlandish and unpronounceable. If you can easily pronounce the name of your hero, then you are doing it wrong. Does anyone really want to read a story about John and his wild adventures? Of course not. They are all too busy reading about Ymadatyudf and his/her (because it is a very unisex name, you see) wild adventures. And just forget about simple names for your fantasy world like Narnia and Middle-Earth. Try Idoputarim. Again, it is outlandish and unpronounceable; therefore it is destined to succeed.

While we’re on the subject of being destined to do something, your hero must also have a destiny. It isn’t by coincidence that Ymadatyudf is the hero of the story. Whether it is because of a prophesy, some weird gods, or because the antagonist is their father, they must the only ones who are able to save the day. No one would ever want to read about an ordinary person they can relate to, because that wouldn’t make sense. Special people with super special powers are simply the best as far as fantasy stories go.

Also, if you plan on inserting elves somewhere into your epic masterpiece, you have got to do elves right. The right way to do elves is how everyone else does them. There must be only a few of them, and they are secluded in their own few magical villages where they worship nature. The elves must also be immortal and incredibly hot. More likely than not, one of them will be a love interest, simply because of their immortal sexiness in all things. Not to mention they are better than humans in every way possible (especially in appearances, magic, and fighting), though they oddly enough fall for your awkward simpleton of a protagonist. Makes perfect sense to me and all other fantasy fans.

Finally, last but certainly not least, every fantasy needs dragons. Fantasy just sucks without dragons. The dragons must always be on the good guys’ side though, so watch out for that. And be sure to make your dragons have long, complicated names, be able to talk somehow, and be pretty and shiny looking. It’s very, very important for your dragon to be pretty looking. An ugly dragon is worse than no dragon at all.

Using these lovely tidbits of advice, I quickly expect to see epic masterpieces of glorious fantasy produced by you, my fans, in the not-so-distant future. Speaking of which, if you have a terrible story which fails to follow any of my vital guidelines that you would like me to rip to shreds in my next couple of articles, make sure to let me know in your reviews, which I inevitably expect to receive. I hope to start a segment where I tear your stories to shreds for not following my vital guidelines.

Next time, on GRtRYSfD (my catchy shorthand version of the title), I may write about the best kind of protagonist. Or romance. Or something else entirely. It all depends on my mood at the time.

Be sure to tell your friends about my awesome advice. In keeping with my fantasy theme, remember, I am the Dumbledore to your Harry Potter.