Just in case you weren't aware, American Idol is the greatest show in the world because I said so. I know that it's a "reality show" and therefore it's been said that anyone who is an intellectual or has some amount of intelligence wouldn't understand. Quite frankly, however, your brain power is not my problem. We can't all be idiots. The fact of the matter is that American Idol very possibly represents all things wrong with this country, but it is SO darn fun to watch!

George Bush was on American Idol last Wednesday night, talking about how the charity 'Idol Gives Back' raised 60 billion dollars. He was like, "Idol Gives Back raised a lot of money whoooo whoop, whoop, whoop I don't know why I am whooping I guess I am just so happy that I can't control my whoops" or something of that matter. That's what I heard, anyway. That could be because I wasn't really listening. He didn't appear to understand what he was saying, either. His wife Laura started talking and he started blinking a lot. Not in the way normal humans blink, but in a way that is disturbing and inhuman.

George Bush, are you a human? Just wondering; it's cool if you're not.

Now, the reason I wasn't listening was because I was too busy worrying that my Jason Castro was going to be eliminated. My mom, meanwhile, was worried that her Brooke White would be eliminated. The reason for this fear was that they were both terrible the night before. Brooke forgot her lyrics at the beginning; and Jason sang a rather disgusting version of the song 'Memories'. Before his performance during a very articulate interview he gave us the wonderful quote of, "I didn't know this song was sung by a CAT!" I love Jason. He's so high.

So, by the end of the Tuesday night show my mother and I concluded that Sayesha Mercado and Carly Smithson had definitely performed as well as sung the best. Naturally, we then proceeded to each vote for Brooke and Jason twenty eight times. That's more than we voted for Sanjaya! Note: This is why the American vote doesn't really count. People like me and my mom exist.

During the intense commercial break, I went browsing the American Idol forums to come across a book from the Chicken Soup series titled, and I am not making this up: "Chicken Soup for the American Idol Soul: Stories from the Idols and their Fans that Open Your Heart and Make Your Soul Sing."

My first thought was, "Oh man, but I don't have a soul." Fortunately, another Chicken Soup series on amazon was available for people like me. It was called: "Chicken Soup For Those Who Don't Have a Soul But Would Really Like One: Available in orange, aqua, and leopard for those who want their Soul to be WILD AND KRAY-ZEE...Makes a great gift for your grandmother." Letting go a sigh of relief, I added that book to my wish list. Then, I began to read the descriptions of the American Idol Soul book. They essentially described the book as being: "dedicated to celebrating the triumph of spirit over adversity, the fulfillment of dreams coming true, and the power of love for only 14.99"

How wonderful. Usually when one wants to buy "the power of love" it costs at least a thousand dollars and is over in about ten minutes.

When the commercial was over, and I went back to watching the greatest show in the world. Ryan Seacrest, a man who really does have a haircut like Bello the Clown, was introducing some girl who apparently had a number one single in both the United States and all those other irrelevant continents. Then he did his usual, "WE'LL GO BACK TO ELIMINATIONS AFTER...THE BREAK." Really, it is amazing that it takes one hour to tell someone to go home. If I was the host I'd just be like, "Hey Jason Castro you're safe. Carly Smithson you're not. I think I'm sorry, but it's also probable that I am not. Go home. LEAVE, LEAVE, LEAVE."

Done my way, the whole process would take about two minutes. Instead of telling America that they'll have to wait until after the commercial to hear the results, it could be IN a commercial. I'm thinking the one with that cute little puppy, the one that sings that "There ain't no bugs on me, there ain't no bugs on me" song. They could even make it themed depending on who's being eliminated. For example, if Sanjaya were being eliminated that week, the puppy could sing the 'bugs' song and then be like, "But, there are probably a few bugs on this man's Mohawk. Sanjaya, you might want to check your head, while you're at home. For you are being eliminated this week. Shower up!"

For Carly Smithson's elimination this week, I know exactly how I would have done her elimination commericial. For those of you who don't watch American Idol because you're not a loser (shame on you), Carly Smithson has this giant tatooed face across her arm. Therefore, the puppy in my commercial would be wearing a multiple tattoos. He would sing, "THERE AIN'T NO BUGS ON ME...BUT THERE ARE VERY STRAIGHT EDGE FEMALE PUPPIES SURROUNDING ME FOR I HAVE TATTOOS AND AM THEREFORE HARD CORE. BUT AGAIN, THERE AIN'T NO BUGS ON ME. There ain't no bugs on me!"

One thing about American Idol that I am in favor of is the whole "elimination day" terminology. You know, "Today Amanda Plumber will be eliminated." To me it has always just seemed a bit "WE WILL ELIMINNNNNATE YOU. WE DON'T JUST MEAN FROM AMERICAN IDOL. WE MEAN FROM THE PLANET. BOOM, BOOM. ZAP. ZAP. GOOD BYE. AR HA HA HAR HAR."

Now, as I will re-state for those who weren't listening, Carly Smithson was eliminated last Wednesday, making last week's American Idol quite the SHOOOOCKER. Jason Castro was safe, as was Brooke White. Because of me, obviously. This brings us to the whole point of this article, which is to keep Jason safe at least another week. Friends, family members, teachers, fellow prison inmates, you should vote for him tonight. It doesn't matter if you know who he is. Google him, and assume the pictures of him smoking marijuana are photo shopped and that he's a good ol' American boy. Then, pick up your phone on Tuesday and vote, vote, vote. It's probably good for your soul.