I taught myself to hate you

For the fear of loving you

Said once, never again,

Afraid that you'd hurt me

Once more. Unintentional, maybe,

But that doesn't change the past

And all the sleepless nights I spent

Awake underneath my blankets, turning

Relentlessly, as if it was happening over and over

Blown out of proportion in my mind.

I'm scared of committing myself, and it's obvious from

The way I can't be honest, avoid the subject,

I know I'm blocking myself off from you, and I don't want to

I just can't let go. I can't be vulnerable, no matter

How much I trust you. Instead, I build the anger within,

Fanning my hatred for you, taking every little thing you say

That can be taken the wrong way

And use it against you, forgetting the forehead kisses and

Holding hands, the sound of your voice, the moments of perfect intimacy,

How it felt to hear you sing for me and confess that I

Was your favourite audience. No, none of that works for me,

I need you to screw up, so that we can break up,

And I can run away from the best thing that's happened to me

For a long, long time. You're amazing. Wonderful. I treasure

Every minute I'm in contact with you, that I'm thinking of you

- It sickens me to consider giving you up. But the possibility still lingers,

As to wound myself now seems a small price to pay if it means

That I can avoid the heartache of losing you after loving you.

I want to give myself up to you, all my fears, to surrender and hope that

You care enough not to rip me apart, disregard my feelings and lead me on.

But I can't, not alone. Yet...

I promise you that I'll try to relinquish these doubts,

Try to leave my shell and enter this relationship if you help me.

If you guide me and have patience, I'll let myself love you, one day,

Giving up lessons learned in hating you.